The Sewer Pipe

Dishing all the shit we see

Issue 2

Well here we are, issue 2, which on the face of it is going to be a pretty lack lustre edition, given that pretty much nothing much has happened. Grin-07, West & Farage, whom everyone I have spoken told has informed me will be purging just about everyone all of the time, have managed to murder absolutely no one in the last week. Way to under perform guys. How am I supposed to get out an awesome scream sheet filled with rumour and conjecture if you guys are not doing what everyone says you would be doing. Please murder more folks for our next issue. 

A few other people said they would be publishing snoozepapers, but thus far none have materialised, meaning that my non newspaper, informational publication is actually the biggest newspaper in the country. We didn't get a huge amount of feedback of our last edition, but at least 20 of yo felt the need to pay for your copy, so thank you for that, it means that we have a readership of about 4% of the active population. This is still 4% more than our closest rival. Any way, enough of me bigging up my achievements, and on with the reporting. This weeks edition, given the failure of competition to emerge, will be all about failure.

Please Kill yourself.

Blood thirsty murderer and cut throat, Grin-07, who as we mentioned has failed to live up to expectations on the blood thirsty throat cutting front, has instead come up with a unique take on the blood thirsty throat cutting theme by offing you money to kill yourself, or to assist in the killing of another. Gone, it seems, are the days of needlessly running around purging individuals who may be a risk to our society for what ever reason, and now it has been replaced by spectator blood sports. Battyanus would be proud. The plan is simple. Much like with Dignitas Assisted Dying in Switzerland, you register your desire to die. Grin, using a Charles Babbage-esque calculating device, pairs you up with a likewise similarly desperate to die individual. And for all this, he pays you the sum of 5 million dollars (Around 12 Credits at today's Cryptocurrency exchange rate.) Both individuals then go into the street and duel to the death. The winner, is the one who dies first. The loser will be given compensation for failing to die in spectacular fashion.

Grin also expects to have betting on the side, whereby you can choose who you think will be the most likely to fail to kill themselves, plus he will have his own champion looser, probably someone like Sao-, who despite trying ever so hard, has failed to kill himself on numerous occasions, even going so far to miss stabbing himself in the eye with a letter opener by a good 18 inches. 

Several blood thirsty megalomaniacs have come to the streets to throw their considerable weight behind the project, but volunteers to die have been slow to materialise. Nipper, who has put on an impressive 264lbs since leaving Grin HQ and striking out on his own, mostly on a diet of Pork Balls and drinking pints of Sweet and Sour Sauce, was heard to mumble something about adding $3 to the prize fund in an attempt to sweeten the pot, bringing the prize total to $5,000,003. I can imagine that literally dozens of sad suicide jockeys will literally be beating down Grin's door now for an opportunity to earn coin like that. Nipper, it has emerged, is now capable of speaking proper english, when his moiuth isn't crammed full of deep fried pork balls.

Volunteers to die in tribute to the majesty of Grin now include Mandalore (A local historian who regales people on the history of Mandal, a municipality in Agder county, Norway in the traditional district of Sørlandet.) Alexander_Adlerberg (I hadn't heard of him either, but apparently he's the General of the Infantry and Adjutant General of the Russian Imperial Army), Charles_Barkley (A Man seemingly tired of Custard), Ilammo and Right (a comedy double act who do everything together... yes literally everything).

No doubt we will soon know the identity of the biggest loser in the whole country, and for once it will not be Elodin.

Correction.

On going to press last week, we failed to notice a print error which resulted in some confusion between the identities of __________I_________, _________l_________ and now __________I________. We apologise for this confusion and would like to clarify by adding that they can easily be identified as:  __________I_________ who is a crew leader in his own right and is not _________l_________ or __________I________. _________l_________ who is now dead, and should be promptly forgotten unlike __________I_________ and __________I________ who are both alive. And finally __________I________ who is a lowly Goomba and not a CL like __________I_________ or dead like _________l_________. We would like to Thank Japanese Dave for bringing this to our attention, and have sent him a $50 gift certificate for Superlax Laxatives, now with 50% extra Prune Juice Concentrate as a thank you. Remember, nothing keeps you regular like a regular dose of Superlax.

You have failed...

Literally thousands of mobsters have been receiving notifications of failure when attempting to organise a crime with Chicago Right Hand @Zapata. Zapata, 74, a retired postman from Zapata City in South Texas and who is no more Mexican than Nigel Farage, recently entered the Guinness book of Records for recording his 7,609th straight Organised Crime Failure. The last time anyone failed so miserably, was when Jeremy Clarkson failed to have his contract renewed by the BBC after attempting to get into his Ford GT and accidentally performing an unprovoked physical and verbal attack on a Top Gear producer as his giant bobble head flailed around in the process. 

As a result of his level of failure, Zapata has failed to exemplify standards of decency and respect to the legions of Organised Crime performing criminals. Announcing the news, Lord Squishy of City Hall said: “It is with great regret that I have told Zapata today that City Hall will not be renewing his contract to perform Organised Crimes. It is not a decision I have taken lightly. I know how popular the Organised Crime programme is and I also know that this decision will divide opinion. I also realise that by banning Zapata from performing or being involved in Organised Crimes, this will make explaining failure by other organisers more difficult to explain, with not having Zapata as a Scape Goat."

Whether Zapata will pay any attention to the ban by City Hall (who incidentally revealed that your likelihood in performing successful OCs is down essentially to how many Petty crimes each individual performed) or will happily continue to be a goat is anyone's guess. We reached out to perennial failure Zapata for a comment, the full transcription of which may be viewed here.

The Death of the Streets

Whilst it has not happened in its entirety, County General Hospital announced that the Streets had taken a turn for the worse and been placed on life support. The Ailing streets which for the last 14 years have been the bastion of those looking to talk, speak, shout, rant and rave, have seen a marked down turn in foot traffic recently, with fewer and fewer people being seen debating and discussing current events. Even those who like to read single character driven epic novels are conspicuous by their absence. First formed on 20th April '06, the streets contain the records of this thing of ours stretching back as far as September '07, what happened to the records predating this epoch is any ones guess. 

In recent times, the streets had enjoyed something of a resurgence, with colourful characters regularly espousing their views on everything and everything. Competitions literally rained down upon unsuspecting mafioso like manna from heaven. There were so many news outlets, that Toilet paper was almost made obsolete, and people read trashy pulp fiction to anyone who would listen. But that has all gone away again. The current crop of Mafioso seem oblivious to the daily goings on. There has been no formal acknowledgement of the destruction wrought on Seattle, and even the family of Kuku seems to have grown quiet.

But its not too late. Come to the streets, discuss, and debate, bolster or berate but most of all communicate. It doesn't matter if its only to tell us that you Beta Tested WesWatson's girl whilst he was doing Burpees. Every single conversation breathes life back into the old girl. Every single discussion gives someone something to cogitate and deliberate. Every single word uttered will be recorded for posterity, and noted down as a living record of your existence, because even when you are gone, the streets will live on. I would argue that the Streets are the single most important aspect of this thing of ours. More so that Shooting, robbing, drug dealing or anything else.Without them, you may as well be sitting at a desk on some fabulously futuristic piece of tech, clicking buttons, than living the dream of being a fully fledged member of our Community.

So, I leave you with the following, a conversation last heard many years ago, and the oldest memory our streets present to us, because, despite being on her death bed, if you listen closely, you can still hear the conversations of the past echoing down through the years until today.

The Day of Peace

As Sanfiendo steps out his door he realizes something...he survived, he looks around noticing all the dead and realizes that those who remained inocent are alive. He enjoys the day, no shooting, no guns, but he knows that it will not last, all good things must come to an end. As he sees old friends he greets them and points out what a nice day it is.


"Hi how are you this fine day good friend?"

On the way home Sanfiendo bows his head though, his father was lost on the day the gods destroyed crime. He tells himself that he will carry on his father's legacy, no matter how much he hated it.

Master_Splinter - the very second I am treated with the respect that I am due, I will return to the Streets, and not one minute before.

Jezza picks up a copy of The Sewer Pipe and begins to muse through it's readings, upon reading through paragraph on failure he begins to nod his head..

"An epic failure indeed surely the BBC could not be so stupid, alas they were and failed miserably to renew the great ones contract, so I got a better one elsewhere with some kind American peoples" Jezza looked to the few people gathered around with a huge smug grin on his face "Now I can afford two cars" suddenly Jezza shakes his head looks up at the now dwindeling crowd and begins to talk once more, quoting part of what he had just read.

The last time anyone failed so miserably, was when Jeremy Clarkson failed to have his contract renewed by the BBC after attempting to get into his Ford GT and accidentally performing an unprovoked physical and verbal attack on a Top Gear producer as his giant bobble head flailed around in the process. 

"I must point out however that the said producer got in my way and I may have accidently, definitely not on purpose hit him once or twice, stupid stupid man he was"

I feel it is necessary to point out that while it's true that I fail every OC I attempt to organize, it is the sad assemblage of bumbling oafs and louts who accept my generous invitations and then proceed to mangle themselves like blind elephants on a minefield who are at fault. I don't know how you can expect me to succeed with Elodin, who is 3 feet tall and color-blind, as my primary look-out, or a man named Nipples as my grifter. The less said about Zoom the better, a get-away driver who lives up to his name only in terms of the amount of time it takes him to get us caught. The biggest heist these baboons have pulled off successfully is the besmirching of my good name. 

I am here today to declare that I cannot accept all these frivolous accusations and inaccuracies: I am 3'1", and not 3 feet. That being said, I see nothing else to correct. Nope, nothing else.

I believe, Zapata, that the praise, 'a bad workman always blames his tools' is very apt on this occasion. Just as with SeanCallan who is always blaming his tool.