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| WMOB... does stand up! | Started by: SingWhenYoureWinning on Sep 25, '07 11:06 |
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Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen, Thank you for coming down to WMOB studio's tonight. This is such a big gig, I'm so nervous that on the way out here, I almost shit myself. I got here just in time tonight, the one way system around here is absolutely horrible, even the signs don't know which to go! They all stand there saying "i don't know, I just don't know!". And why is it whenever you ask for directions you ALWAYS get the village fucking idiot that needs to point his way to know where he's going... "Yep, you go down this road, you take a right *points right*, you come to a roundabout, you go round the roundabout..." He's walking round in circles at this point, I asked him what he was doing after he'd circled numerous times, he replied "I've missed my fucking turn!" My wife is here tonight, bless her. On the subject of women, why is it whenever you get lost while driving they ALWAYS say "Oh, let's just gome home..." . HELLO, WE'RE FUCKING LOST! Women have special powers too you know... oh yeah, they have many. They're psychic! when you're both getting ready to go out, she'll come into the room in a dress and say "So, what do you think?". Before you even mutter a word, she'll shriek "YOU DON'T LIKE IT DO YOU?! I CAN TELL". Amazing! Have you ever seen them do their clairvoyancy act? Now that is something to savour. You're having an argument with her and you say "Oh fuck off love" and walk out the room. While you're doing this she starts doing a running commentary. There he goes! Slams the door... stomp upstairs, kicks over the stuffed toy in our room". *stands open mouthed* And nipples, why do men have nipples? We don't use them. Women don't have a fake cock that they don't use! hahahah... I hear some women saying "I fucking do, it's sat next to me". I don't know if you guys know... but I'm a big animal lover, we have a dog at home called Brian. dogs are great aren't they? Like when you're watching TV and he's asleep at your feet. Then his ears prick up and you're like "What, what is it Brian?".... woof woof woof woof! "What... go on Brian, what is it?".... woof woof woof woof woof woof! "Well, what the fucking hell is it?" and he looks at you with that "How the fuck should I know? YOU woke ME. Now cows... they are the most USELESS animals when it comes to survival. You go into the country and stand next to a field of cows, they all start moving towards you with that "Is it my turn yet?" look on their face. And what the hell could they get away from? Have you ever seen a cow run? It's like watching a ballerina coke. *runs like a pansy across the stage*. Pigs are dirty animals, rolling around in all that muck, sheep too... although sheep are smart, they do it for a reason. You'll see a sheep rolling around in it's own shit in a field saying "Make a jumper out of me will ya? I don't think so!". Rubs it all over its head "bobble hat, I think fucking not!" Thank you for listening ladies and gentlemen, we'll be taking a short break and I'll be back with more soon. (Hopefully anyway, this stand up shit is HARD.) |
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