The Sewer Pipe

Dishing all the shit we see

Issue 3

Here we are again. Issue 3 hot off the presses, and hopefully a fuller edition than Issue 2. Firstly, thank you for voting us the most important avenue for your news needs. Whilst I have gone on record several times to clarify that we are more of a muck raking tabloid than a newspaper, it does justify our existence when a full 56% of you voted us as your main source for the news. 56%, what an awesome figure. That is a full 56% higher than our nearest rival. Some say even God himself, who lets all remember is Omni Consumer corps or something according to his followers, gets his news updates from the Sewer Pipe. As such, we have decided to nominate someone to receive the award of Top Reader. This month, our top reader is this person. Simply mail us to receive your award. I vow that we will continue to bring you all the dirt that we can rake up, despite having no one apply to be an intern, or to assist us in any way... apparently on our own we are stronger.

Right is Right, Right?

Hot on the tails of the confusion with __________I_________, we have a new man about town, Hand of Gnarls_Barkley, Right. Right claims to be always Right, and in that he is right, but is he always right? Well we can say with certainty that he is not Wrong, as we were unable to find Wrong, but we did find a Wrong House, Something Wrong, someone who Did That Wrong and of course the Wrong Way. So whilst it would seem that Right is in fact Right, he most certainly isn't Wrong. Nor is he Left, who apparently works for Right but is still just to the Left of Right.
Recently Right has been at great pains to point out to Kirsty, that he is always Right, but Kirsty did not find his word play funny, I know, right? However, it did become clear that whilst Right is always Right and often also right, he is not always correct, which is at least one small mercy. Right, on to our next article, that is what you are all reading this for, right? Right!

Erectile Malfunction.

Leader of the second smallest Crew in the seven cities, and part time educator, Psychologist and self proclaimed leader of the streets, Krusty, a semi retired mother of 17 originally from Winslow, a market town and civil parish in the Aylesbury Vale district of north Buckinghamshire, came into the streets the other day to regale us of tales regarding the impotence of safe hitlisting. Krissy, who has a Psychological degree in psychology took great pains to reveal to us a profile of those she thinks are behind the recent rash of Hits posted on Chicago Mobster Grin-07, a guest lecturer from the Zika Forest, a tropical forest near Entebbe in Uganda who has a host of felony convictions for doing something unspeakable with a radish. Mr Grin seemed to take great delight earlier today when he announced that this rash of hits valued his crew at over $1 billion, making them worth more than Liverpool FC or Manchester United. To put it into perspective, this would buy you over 833,000 top of the range Model A Fords... the nice one with the double cowl.

In an announcement reminiscent of Will Graham's interview with Freddy Lounds in which he describes Francis Dolarhyde as an impotent homosexual, but which has so far failed to draw anyone out, much less bite the lips of Klungey or set her on fire, she describes a man who has never achieved an erection, orgasmed and who fantasies about using someone elses gun to complete his task. She goes on to describe in detail about how this person probably doesn't even know how to shoot their gun, and instead prefers to hide in the shadows and enlist the help of emasculated mobster Tyler Durden to do their dirty work. Usually these sorts of things end with visions of men doing men or mutual masturbation, but Krossy managed to shoe in those references earlier in her speech, probably due to the hitlister's erectile dysfunction. 

The discussion quickly descended into a show of penis size and manliness, even from Kirsch who insisted that her Psychological degree in psychology was above board and on the level. The whole debacle was brought to a shuddering climax by Delicate who was at pains to point out the whole sordid homoerotic timbre of the discussion. The calling of names and clucking of tongues though, has so far failed to dissuade the hitlisters from their ED related posting of hits on Mssrs Grin et al.

Sing the blues, Jimmy Choo's, New Crews.

Don Grin of Chicago, acting Godfather of that fine bastion of depravity and Zapata (Formerly Zapata the Failure, but more on that later), 67 year old Weed dealer par excellence, has flung open the doors of Chicago, like a manure shoveller opening the stables for the first time,  to anyone who wishes to set up as a Crew leader in their own right. So far, Kristy and Billie, have availed of the opportunity, and have since been granted permission to extend to 10 man crews. Those availing of the offer, are, for a fee of $5,000,000 allowed to set up a 5 man HQ in Chicago, as long as they notify Grin first. Then, they will be permitted to continue with said HQ as long as they pay a tax of $5,000,000 per week. Whilst it has been a week now and there have been no further takers thus far, perennial slacker, @ Sisyphus, has been left to prop up the bottom of the Crew list as Don of the Old City District in Philadelphia. 

This morning, Zapata was at great pains to announce that the offer was continuing and that both the current Crews had been given permission to increase their HQ size to double figures, and that much like his gaping mangina, Chicago was still open to all, and while there have been no further applicants as of going to print, we have been reliably informed that Zapata's offer has left many a mobster frothing at the Gash... although why anger should be levelled at the Right hand of Trash Panda is beyond me, and above my pay grade. Irregardless of whether there are any more applicants, Kristy and Billie seem intent to make hay while the sun shines. 

Earlier we asked Billie to make room in her busy schedule for us to ask a few questions:

S: Why you gotta play that song so loud?
B: Because we want to! Because we want to!
S: Why you always run around in crowds?
B: Because we want to! Because we want to!
S: Why d'you always have to dance all night?
B: Because we want to! Because we want to!
S: Why d'you always say what's on your mind?
B: Because we want to! Because we want to!

 More from this story as it emerges...

NNC Bloodlined

Earlier today, a freakishly blue lady, no not Nipper, came to the streets to level accusations of bloodlining at absolutely no one. The Brooklyn native, who hasn't died in this Rat's memory, came to the streets to claim that Bloodlining was still well and taking place and had not gone away. As we all know West and Grin have been bloodlining since their meteoric rise to power, despite not killing any one, this should come as a shock to no one. 

She offered no evidence of this bloodlining, named no names, gave no dates, no redacted messages, in fact the only evidence that she has in fact ever been bloodlined is a cryptic message sent to her Granny, many a year ago, by an unnamed individual, apologising for bloodlining her.  Finally, to add insult to injury, we find this is not an announcement of being bloodlined, it is in fact a plea for others who may or may not have been bloodlined to explain why they were bloodlined in error, because the people doing said bloodlining didn't have the whole picture. 

Despite several folks speaking on the subject, the lady in question got her blue panties in a bunch and shat all over every ones opinions, even going so far to suggest that we all shower our under carriages and drink disinfectant. It is perhaps not impossible to see why her family was bloodlined in the first place. We reached out to everyone we knew in an attempt to bloodline ermmm sorry discover who this young lady was (Basically Zapata and a couple of Pizza delivery guys, we don't meet many folks in the sewers) but absolutely no one had ever hear of her or her ancestors.

Failure fails at failing

Following last weeks revelation at the level of failure reached by Zapata in his attempts at succeeding in pulling off an Organised Crime, at just before 11:56am this morning, Zapata successfully pulled off an OC... he had previously been pulling off something else, but stopped just long enough to see his team through to success. There was panic buying in Chicago and a run on the banks as people assumed that the end of times was upon us and even Grin woke up for around 5 minutes. 

Chicago was devastated at losing 'the streak' as Zapata's legendary losing prowess had come to be known, with fear that it would pass to someone in Ood's crew, but less than an hour later they were relieved to see Elodin fail to rob an art gallery, or burn it maybe even hoke through its bins, something like that any way. What this all means, is that Elodin can finally hold his head high and declare to the world, that he is in fact as big a failure as his mother told him he'd be every day for 18 years.

Congratulations Elodin on being this weeks biggest loser and restoring some pride to Trash Pandas everywhere.

MobGov, what is it good for?

The MobGov poll results are in, Reg_Barclay's little brain child (Brain Fart? I always get those two mixed up) that seeks to answer the burning itch of Polling that is plaguing your metaphorical crotch. He's like a one man Canestan Combi for the masses. Last week he asked questions on Your main source of News information, Chyna, Your main source of News information, Pudding, Your main source of News information and Churros. He also asked people where they got their main news information from. As discussed in my editorial (That's the bit at the start where I am allowed to have a little bit of personal bias whilst the rest of the publication stays carefully neutral.) the majority of our world cites the Sewer Pipe as its primary source for News within the 7 cities. Whilst 44% did not cite us as their primary source, they did admit to preferring to sit in their basements and masturbate over pictures of their mothers rather than read the news... I think.

Speaking of masturbation, it was revealed that over 1/5 of the population cited Chyna's Handjobs as the main reason why she is apparently so awesome. Most of the other answers carried a sexual overtone, and Gyles_Brandreth has offered additional MobGov polling should Chyna wish it. There were also two questions about non pizza related food stuffs that I personally have no interest in, so if you want to know about custard and churros you can read that yourself. Did I mention that we are the number one Newspaper?

We saved the Streets

Last week we went on a bit of a rant and waxed lyrical about the streets, their health status, and our obligation to do something about it. You guys answered our call, not all of you, after all 44% of the people are in their basements masturbating, but enough of you did and now the streets are looking healthier than they have done in a long time. Around 30 unique speeches have been made, dozens of people debated openly and freely. People told stories, competitions where planned and life has gone on. I was planning on claiming sole responsibility for this, after all it was my call to arms that perhaps spurred you on, but no, this is on you guys, and long may it continue. The streets are vital to this life of ours, in all their diverse glory. Don't let any one tell you different.