MobGov - Knowledge is Porridge

Welcome to edition three of our pulse finding, direction setting, award winning and eagerly anticipated surveys.  Our team of surveyists have scoured the deepest darkest parts of our world to provide the questions really needing answered.  They appreciate all the effort that our respondents put in to upcoming survey questions. 

Obviously, we can't include every single one; for example I am obviously the best basketball player and a wood chuck would chuck about 700 lbs of wood if a wood chuck could chuck wood however we do endeavour to ensure the survey questions reflect current events.

Following a surge of responses, survey 2 is now closed.

MobGov Survey 2 Results.  Brought to you by The Jail Reform Society - Bodywash And No Soap.

Question 1 - Who is the cause of Chicago OC failures?

• Grin-07 - 20%
• Zapata - 20%
• Elodin - 10%
• Nipper - 5%
• __________I_________  or whatever - 15%
• Never knowingly failed a Chicago OC -  30%

The notion of Chicago being a city, chock full of big fat failures may be an internal opinion with the majority of people saying they have never knowingly failed a Chicago disorganised crime. 

Great news for Elodin however.  His representatives had intimated previously that a consolidated effort may be attempted by city members to ensure he was blamed for failures however that never materialised. 

Can Nipper's low score be attributed to his associates lack of comprehension of what's going on? "To the art garrery!", "Hey roanshark! Wheya you money?" is reported to have been screeched through the streets. 

Sources suggest that Grin-07 and Zapata's high scores are due to Elodin bribing Chicagoans to skew the survey* however the numbers don't lie.  Equal blame is attributed to Grin and Zapata.  We at MobGov offer them our heartiest congratulations.

*Rest assured, we at MobGov do everything in our powers to ensure the integrity of these surveys.  While the surveyists are unable to be bribed, the answers of those participating may be subject to undue external influence.

Question 2 - Anonymous hitlisting...

• The domain of the impotent - 30%
• The last bastion of accountability - 10%
• A great way to spend money - 45%
• People are being hitlisted anonymously?!? - 15%

This hot topic has been subject of much debate however MobGov have provided the definitive answer - anonymous hitlisting is a great way of spending money. 

Grin-07 has asked whether there are better ways to spend a billion dollars and other than creating a front-pack for OldBumMaggy's knee warmers, very few great suggestions were forthcoming. 

Given a worryingly significant proportion appear to be unaware that people are being hitlisted anonymously, there is an opportunity for Master_Splinter to educate more of the masses.

Question 3 - Once prohibition is over which alcoholic dessert will you have first?

• Sherry Trifle (prepared with La Crme Anglaise finest custard) - 45%
• Tiramisu - 20%
• Throw a cherry in that drink and call it pudding - 5%
• All of them - 5%
• Irish Coffee - 5%
• Rum Ba Ba - with Custard - 5%
• Jeden's Kahlua Cake - 5%
• Room-tempered scotch - 5%
• Huh? - 5%

The eagerly awaited question for all cafes, restaurants and specialist pudding establishments. 

With a very small sample not really understanding the fairly simple question (a candidate for Kirsty's special treatment), the clear winners are sherry trifle and tiramisu.  This is good news for purveyors of high quality custard based desserts viz. La Crme Anglaise in Seattle however for those who have currently not added tiramisu to menus, the time to refine the recipe is now. 

It is clear to this correspondent that the addition of fruit to any alcoholic beverage thereby constitutes pudding, so one looks forward to gin, tonic and a slice of red grapefruit as an option at the next MobGov team outing.

Question 5 - An in-depth analysis of Right - Right is...

The worrying trend within this question were the respondents inability to follow the simple instructions of describing Right in one word. 

For those of you reading this unaware of Right, Right is Kirsty's argu-nemesis.  The oratorical to and fro challenges the sanest of minds with Right repeatedly asserting that he is in fact Right and Kirsty attempting to dispel that myth.  We here at MobGov have ample experience of dealing with Right at times when he is both Right and not Right. 

The idea that Right is Left is patently absurd, in the same way that East is not West however the one adjective rarely used to describe Right has been boring...except now.

Given the absolutely anonymous nature of the survey MobGov can never be too sure however, if Kirsty would like MobGov to confirm whether she does indeed have wit, good looks and any sort of charisma whether bizarre or conventional then she can contact MobGov to discuss inclusion in a future survey.

Question 6 - Did CommissarKuku get asked to pick the soap up in the jail showers?

Yes - 84%

No - 16%

While most of us will never know the true answer to this, indeed Kirsty may not even be truly aware however most of those people surveyed do believe that CommissarKuku was asked to bend over in the jail showers. 

Despite the anonymity, MobGov LangPert department believe they have identified the source of the following comment so the last word in these survey results go to Kirsty (shock!!)

Son, CommissarKuku detailed his prison antics. Soap was only ever "picked up" when butter was in short supply. It caused a rash,and nobody likes a rash. The Commissar liked to butter his men. The sound of poetry and the supple, tender application of butter was the simple promise the Commissar made.

MobGov is perpetually indebted to all those taking the time to participate in these surveys.

MobGov serves by taking the burning subjects that people see and think about and gives a voice to those not wanting to be seen in the streets.

As always, our survey is completely anonymous and brought to you by Butter Me Up - a Kuku Jailbird Enterprise product

Survey three looks at:

• Coffee shop logs
• Kirsty
• Racoons
• Grin
• and the Nips

If you want to shape the narrative and drive discussion, get those suggestions in.  Survey 5 will be a bumper package of all unasked questions to date - potentially with no editing or filtering.  No shooting the messenger if you don't like the question...someone thought enough of you to want to know the answer!

MobGov Survey 3 - Butter those parsnips Kuku said...if parsnip is jail slang for penis.

What percentage of your tips am I gonna be cut into here, Charles?

The statements stand Kirsty, MobGov goes where the people want to go. 

As Master_Splinter wisely said, no publicity is bad publicity.  The public either love you or love to hate you so I do believe the questions posed by the MobGov respondents represent a celebrity coup for you without too much hard work on your behalf.

And for that we accept your kind words as thanks enough.

Statement From MobGov Enterprises

We here at MobGov Enterprises appreciate the great engagement shown throughout the seven cities for our award winning surveys that probe the temperature of the mobster body with a well buttered jail thermometer.

These surveys only exist because all of you take the time to get involved however the mission of MobGov at the outset was to ask the questions you, our devotees, want asked.  We will always do our best to rise to the challenges you set us and to that end, we have some exciting news.

In the relatively near future there will be some special surveys coming out, subject to appropriate terms and conditions being agreed.

• The Commissar’s Vault – A MobGov interview where you ask the questions

• Interview With The Hitlister – Not a gothic novel but MobGov are extending a branch to those with access to “Anonymous”. 

We will provide a confidential helpline for “Anonymous” to get in touch and discuss the questions, we…ahem…you the people have to ask.

As the suggestions for questions flood MobGov HQ we have one final request, keep them coming and keep them specific…we can only “ask more interesting questions” if you guide us where you want us to go.

MobGov Team

MobGov - Knowledge is Porridge.