The Sewer Pipe

Dishing all the shit we see

Issue 4

Welcome to June, the official start to Summer. Summer in the meteorological calendar covers the duration of June, July and August, or by the astronomical calendar it begins around 21 June on a day referred to as the summer solstice. In actuality the Summer solstice is at 21:43 MST (Mafia Summer Time) on Saturday 22nd June this year, and by Sunday the nights will start to draw in again as we begin the slow inexorable side towards Winter... but that is all by the by. The smart amongst you, which is probably no one if you are reading the sewer pipe, will have noticed Issue 4 is a tad late, and to be honest there is a very good explanation for that. As soon as we think of one, we will of course let you know. We have a decidedly Health and Safety flavour this issue, so make sure you wear gloves when reading to avoid paper cuts.

Seattle hit by series of unfortunate events

At 17:45 yesterday, 4 prominent mafioso died in what authorities are calling a series of unfortunate accidents. Wiseguys Mufasa, SgtBarnes, AnimalMother of Godfather Chairman West's Tranquillity organisation (Honestly up until writing this article I had always assumed they were called the Westicles, perhaps I have been a Fiddler too long?) and JesusChristo of Consigliere Evening's Evelina's Eleven Organisation in Philadelphia all died of unrelated accidents at the exact same moment and has left authorities scratching their heads.

Mufasa, a 13 year old homeless orphan who took his name from the Swalhi word for King, was just lyin' around when he was suddenly and inexplicably trampled to death by a hear of wild wildebeests.  The wildebeest, plural wildebeest or wildebeests, also called the gnu is an antelope in the genus Connochaetes. It belongs to the family Bovidae, which includes antelopes, cattle, goats, sheep, and other even-toed horned ungulates. Connochaetes includes two species, both native to Africa: the black wildebeest or white-tailed gnu, and the blue wildebeest or brindled gnu. We spoke to Seattle Forensic Pathologist, Dr Cute M'up, who was at a loss to explain the sudden appearance of wildebeest in North America, but was certain that it was definitely wildebeest and not buffalo, adding, 'Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.' Further digging by this publication has revealed that Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo is indeed a grammatically correct sentence in American English, often presented as an example of how homonyms and homophones can be used to create complicated linguistic constructs through lexical ambiguity.

SgtBarnes, a 69 year old retired Infantry Platoon Sergeant, was making donuts when he accidentally tipped the boiling oil all over himself, suffering Type II burns to his arms, face and chest. He then seems to have crawled a short distance to his Norinco Type 56 rifle and started to clean it without first proving his rifle. He appears to then have accidentally discharged 3 rounds into his own chest. Authorities are at a loss to explain this bizarre confluence of circumstances, not least because the Norinco Type 56 rifle made in China won't be manufactured for at least another 20 years. The main witness to the accident, gave his name as Private Chris Taylor, who stated that it was 'the damnest thing he had ever seen in his life.' SgtBarnes is survived by his 19 cats and one very soiled gerbil.

AnimalMother, another retarded... erm retired Soldier, this time a Marine Machine gunner, was sentenced to Military service for stealing a car. Following the Great War, Mother, who's nickname seems to stem from Native American Mythology. Every shaman must have an animal-mother or origin mother. It is usually pictured in the form of an elk, less often as a bear. The animal lives independently, separated from the shaman. Perhaps it can best be imagined as the fiery force of the shaman that flies over the earth. Mother clearly was a loner, subscribing to no politics other than victory at any cost. Alas for Mother, years of a sedentary lifestyle would prove his undoing. Sitting on his ever increasing fat ass, had lead to him getting a splinter in his ass, as the poor chair that had carried his considerable bulk started to give way beneath leading to cracks in the veneer, much like a certain nameless organisation that posts anonymous hits on people. With his large bulk, his T-Rex like arms were unable to reach said splinter which became infected and gangrenous resulting in Septicaemia. Whilst Kirsty has often talked at length at wanting a Splinter in her ass, for AnimalMother it proved to be his undoing. 

Finally we have the death of JesusChristo, an illegal Mexican Immigrant who had crossed the border into the states only a few short months ago. Jesús had been finding work as a cleaner and gardener amongst Philly's elite, and even promised that if you weren't happy the first time, he would rectify the issue with a second coming. Alas, in a parallel to the death of the Future king, rumour has it that Jesús literally shit himself inside out. Several police first responders have called in sick today because of the stench they encountered after calling at the small rented 1 bed apartment owned by Jesús following a complaint by a Karen Walker that her Mexican Gardener had been stealing food from her bin. Resident Philly Pathologist, Dr. Wang, part time OB-GYN, believes that Jesús may have suffered from explosive diarrhoea after eating something from the bin that didn't agree with him. As an illegal, he was afraid to go to the Doctor for treatment that would have ordinarily have saved him from such an undignified death. We contacted the wife and 27 kids of Jesús still living in Mexico, but all Consuela would say was 'No... No... Meester Chisto no es here.'

Each funeral was attended by a handful of individuals, most notably Minimac of Grin-07's The Grin Gang. Shortly after the deaths, Godfather Chairman West, who no doubt was already grief stricken about the loss of his three wise men, was placed on the hitlist by an anonymous individual for $100 million, followed a short time later by another similar hit for the cryptic reason of 'Kirsty'. We are at a loss as to whether Kirsty placed the hits, or what Kirsty did to deserve the hits being placed, or whether it is a call to arms for Kirsty, but if we ever find out, rest assured you will be the first too know. We wish the best of luck to Hudson, who must be literally shitting himself, not unlike JesusChristo, following the accidental deaths of two ex military men, being an ex service man himself.

The Ball's in your court.

Perennial or is it perineal (we really should invest in a dictionary) Ballard hardman, @Charles_Barkleyof the Seattle Supersonics came to the streets last week with a bizarre challenge. Not since Big Ape burgled the back door of CommissarKuku have we heard so much talk about Balls banging off rims, rim jobs, sticking it in the hoop and slam dunks as the 7 cities came alive for Charley boy's very own Basketball challenge, although given the entrants we're not sure that this shouldn't have been the basket case challenge. The first round has seen much tooing and froing and people literally frothing at the Gash in an attempt to secure their place in the grand final and a chance to represent their city... we have no doubt that the generous prize fund has probably egged them on as well, given that many here would do anything and anyone, including their own mother's for a cool $15 million.

Current representation, at the time of printing sees the following City reps progressing to the National play-offs.

LA: harison 18 points

SEA: Zahara 16 points

CH: Rick_Dalton or Elodin 16 points

DT: PureBloodedTexan 18 points

PH: Sisyphus 18 points

Only New York and Vegas don't seem to have had the balls to get involved, but hardly surprising given the state of the NBA in both cities, plenty of dribbling, but not on the courts. Rumour has it that as there are an odd number of places remaining, that the next three highest losing scores might progress to the finals as well, in order to simply the rounds for Chuck, who is a simple man at the best of times. The downside to all this Hoo-ha is that 'MobGov - Where Your Opinion Matters' seems to have taken a back seat, Mr Barkley obviously unable to walk and chew bubblegum at the same time. We believe at this time that the finals will kick of sometime later today.

Kirsty sets the world on Fire.

Leader of the joint 4th smallest crew in the world, Kirsty, has literally inflamed the wordsmithing passions of a nation with her Flash Poetry competition. Whilst the prizes are paltry verses the prizes on offer in some of her previous competitions, and those of her ancestors, mobsters from all 4 corners of the globe rushed to the streets to make a fool of themselves. Whilst several posts are genuinely good, and would make Keats, Shelley and Coleridge weep with their bombastic verbosity several entrants seem determined to lift arguably the grand prize of £3 million reserved for the streets worst poem. Sadly, obvious contender William Pratt, AKA William the bloody, so named for his bloody awful poetry was ruled dead for too long to make an official entry on account of having died in November of last year. Entries seem to have come in from Every city except Vegas, even New York has thrown its hat into the poetry arena, which leaves us wondering just what Clarkson and Morello are doing in Vegas... actually, come to think of it, we don't really want to know... what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. 

Kirsty has promised that prize winners will be announced this evening, but we are wondering if this competition will go off without a hitch given the accusations of cheating and vote rigging that has plagued her previous competitions as well as those of CommissarKuku and his Father. Hopefully, the seemingly minuscule prize pot on offer will persuade Kirsty tro be above board and fair, particularly at a time when her families previous actions seem to be the cause of so much hatred from the Professional Hitlisting Fraternity who seem willing to blow huge sums of money, as well as other things, to prove that Tyler Durden can really shoot marginally better than an Imperial Stormtrooper. Regardless, we should find out the identities of the biggest poets in the land come 8pm this evening.

Liberty Island moves to Chicago.

It is no secret that since the last war, bums on seats have been a little low around here, with the numbers of available positions within crews far outstripping demand for those positions. Currently we have 312 spaces available for enterprising mobsters, with no one to fill those spaces. With that in mind, given his inability to fill any space known to man, according to his ex girlfriends anyway, Fidd took to the streets to offer the dregs of society a home in Chicago. In his speech he said basically:

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,

With conquering limbs astride from land to land;

Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand

A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame

Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name

Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand

Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command

The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.

“Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she

With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

 And just like that he flung open the HQ doors to the detritus of the earth, the dregs of society, and the dingles on the arse of humanity. Alas, his cunning ploy does not at this time, appear to have have any effect on his woeful numbers with his crew complement sitting firmly at 11. We reached out to Fidd's hands, who desired to remain anonymous, citing being referred to as Fiddlers by everyone as their reason. They refused to give any insight into Fidd's bizarre PA stunt, but hope that it will bear fruit in the next few days, particularly if anyone else has a strange, and unexplained accident. Fidd himself claims that his speech did exactly what was intended, which was to highlight the high level of suicide within the Mafia, the main cause of death amongst Mobsters between the ages of 10 and 37 days.

Accident waiting to happen

We have travelled all over this nation tracking down the made up stories that matter to you the most. However something unusual has recently caught our eye. A prevalence amongst other wise normal mobsters to hang out in closed down, burnt out, boarded up businesses. This reporter can only assume that they have licked too much lead paint, or been making tea from Belladonna to bring about this dangerous practice of hiding out in derelict buildings and pretending to shop there. I personally witnessed people sitting amongst the burnt out ruins of a coffee shop, pretending to drink from broken cups, whilst a perfectly good coffee shop sat only a few doors away. Two women discussed buying a fabulous designer dress for $300 whilst they clutched a mouldy rag in the middle of former clothes shop with more leaks in the roof than the Professional Hitlisting Fraternity. Some peoples downright refusal to use legitimate businesses and instead hang out in derelict businesses up and down the country has many at a loss for words.

We approached one of these flighty individuals and were able to get a bit of a word salad from them before they flew the coop. She cited a desire to interact in the businesses of their ancestors and those of dead friends over a desire to support the larger economy, going so far to claim that not even a Godfather had the right to stop them shopping where they pleased A truly strange turn of events, if you ask me. Stranger still, this is not an isolated incidence, people all over the 7 cities are breaking into long abandoned buildings while Bars, restaurants, Cafes, clothes shops, Pet stores and private member clubs lie empty. This could prove disastrous for the economy of the future, how do you knock over a corner store if they all close due to a lack of business? So if you find yourself with a few minutes spare, why not take a trip into your local business district and give some business to the hard working men and women of this great nation whom we rob on a daily basis, instead of standing in a derelict building with the nesting pigeons and crows.