Things had been busy lately. Way too busy. It was a good thing Latom knew exactly what was needed in order to calm things down. Having just gotten ready she made her way out the door and into the streets in search for a busy corner where she would make her stand. Finding it she tried calming her nerves with a few deep breaths and off she went.

I hope most of you are aware that I was given the chance to set up a headquarter in the district Bronx of New York a few days ago. If this is news to you I suggest you have a respectful conversation with your Crew Leader. I would even go so far as to say "give them hell" as this should be the only thing people are talking about right now. If that is not the case and you genuinely had no idea then where the fuck have you been?

As my bloodline isn't one of those notorious, recognized, tyranty, known, impressive, talked about, genius, bashed, slammed, famous ones, I've seen a massive (not really) increase in walk ups, notes and other different types of communication directed towards me. All asking the same thing.

How the f**k did you end up in a bold suit?

As I'm getting really tired of answering the same question over and over, I thought I should take this opportunity to lay out a step by step blueprint on how nobodies like me gets this opportunity. This would mean that I can focus on more important things like trying to lure these tricky recruits into the HQ instead. Of course nothing is as easy as a straight forward solution so I will be giving you a few different options as well. Are you ready? Latom waits for dramatic effect. Lets go then.

Step 1 - Join a gullible and not so bright leader.

This step is crucial. And fortunately, for all of you listening, it's not that hard. Trust me. I mean look around at the current crop of leaders. Believe me, this is the easy part. But still. Take your time to talk to them, find out if they are an easy mark or not. Talking about marks Latom couldn't help herself wondering how Mark was doing in prison. A man who failed to kill his own sleeping wife must be picking up the soap more than he ever planed on doing. But that is a story for another time.

Step 2 - Show them loyalty and respect

Since the CL you've joined isn't the brightest penny this shouldn't be a problem either. Make sure you're working hard, do what the CL asks of you and send them the occasional reasonably sized donation. Nothing big enough to show you actually know what you're doing but you don't want them to think you're doing nothing either. This will show them that you're someone to watch and put you on a fast track for promotion and hopefully, by planting this seed, show them that you'll be someone to lean on in the future. This is important. They hopefully struggle to breath so getting their two plans and an idea will not be difficult and mean you can manipulate.

Step 3 - Make sure you get rid of the competition

Every CL will be surrounded by a few people they trust. Make sure to get rid of them subtly. A simple "X is awesome, you should auth them" or "X is such a great recruiter send them to CL Y to help out" will go a long way. A few of those kinds of hints, here and there, will work wonder. Your competition will be gone, the leader will claim them as their own great idea but will be thankful you managed to wipe their arse. Also avoid anything gun related to succeed at this step as this could show you as a threat. I know it's hard being this shit but it's a long game.

Step 4 - Get a hand job

If you have succeeded in the previous steps this should be a done deal. Right hand or Left hand doesn't matter, I'm fairly sure both positions will work. This leader is now thinking that an easy life is in the offing. You've proven yourself, had good ideas and why should they do the work? You do it for them. What you'll have to focus on though is making sure you do the job better than them without them realizing but only the bare minimum. This way a few subtle hints like "I thought you were the CL", "After interviewing all members these ones deserves promotion" or "Why am I the one doing all the work" will get the job done. Do it right and this will be enough.

If you are unlucky you will actually have to do everything yourself. Run the crew as a hand. Keep everyone happy while your CL is doing fuck all. The bare minimum will not suffice here but the members will like you better than the leader in a few short hours so good things come to those that wait and all that.

Step 5 - Make sure everyone knows

This can be a bit tricky as it can backfire big time if you get it even slightly wrong. Subtlety is your friend but hopefully your hard work hasn't gone unnoticed by your CL and s/he will pass your hard work along to all of their allies. I mean, if you've done it right, they'll be mailing you instead of the leader by now anyway. If this doesn't happen make sure you hint how you've been doing all the jobs to others. Preferably to members that you know have a big mouth and will pass it forward to other CLs. That way you'll earn their respect without them knowing it. This is very important for when you've completed step 6.

Step 6 - Create an opportunity for yourself

This is where you create an opportunity for yourself. You could do this a few different ways. It's important that you analyze how to proceed before attempting this step.

Opportunity 1 - If you're lucky then all your hard work pays off and you'll be given the chance automatically by your own CL. This is least preferable as you'll have to recruit BUT it's the safest way. If this doesn't happen after a few weeks you need to move on to..

Opportunity 2 - Hope that someone is dumb enough to launch an attack that will fail and kill you CL in the process. How your CL dies can happen according to a few different scenarios:

Scenario 1 - He's important enough to be included in a first wave. If this is the case you've probably failed at step 1.

Scenario 2 - He's surrounded by people not gifted enough to be able to arrange for his protection during the war - You're a master analyzer as you not only found a not so bright leader but noticed s/he is surrounded by not so smart followers.

Scenario 3 - He's unlucky enough to have a gun malfunction or some other kind of accident. You're probably not cut out for this plan if you head down this path. Give up.

Opportunity 3 - You kill him yourself hoping all your hard work is more preferred by the ones in charge. This is a very risky move.

Step 7 - Given the bold suit

Doing this properly and choosing the right options will lead to you getting the chance to go bold. Play your cards right and it shouldn't be a problem. People will trust you to do a great job and there's no one left to stand in your way. There is literally no other option. Good job!

So with all of this said I hope you guys can now stop mailing me asking how did I manage to completely box off Farage and get my own family. If you can't make things work with these easy enough step by step instructions I fear it will be impossible for you and to be frank. I do not want to work with you anyway. You're, unfortunately, not of average intelligence. Don't fear though. There are other jobs or tasks that could work even for you. I hear WS collectors are highly sought after these days, a simple enough task that is needed in every family or Bar Manager. Vital vital roles (you fucking moron).

As I'm also fairly confident this step by step guide will be a huge hit to the point I will be left standing with lots of new faces within days if not hours.

I would also like to inform you all of another project I'm currently in the process of completing. Hopefully this will make sure you all won't contact me demanding answers to another important question in a few weeks time:

How to trick yourself to Godfather Chairman when not a CL in the center district?

That my friends will be a great read for everyone. Except maybe for a special someone.

Finishing up Latom prepared for all the praise and new recruits to come in with a few breaths of relief. This was surely going to be remembered as the rise to fame for The Crazy Train.

i am the bestest at hand jobs

You forgot the part where you need to have the most annoying greatest name in mafia history. That always helps. 

I’m sure you are excellent at it Scousepole. In fact _Tish_ told me just the other day you’re the best one he ever had at it. Right hand in particular. I’m also fairly certain that you’ll make a fine CL in Manhattan one day if you just follow the steps and keep your head down. Let me know if you are in need of any assistance!
 

When having such a great name... Latom stifles a laugh before she continues... I’m sure a guide is not needed. 

I very much enjoyed your guide Latom , although step 1 did make me reconsider the motivations of everyone who has ever made the questionable decision to join me. 

I'll also wish you the best of luck with your "How to trick yourself to Godfather Chairman when not a CL in the center district?" project. I'm not sure you could call it a trick but I found that not getting shot for a really very long period of time has helped immensely. 

I'm sure you have nothing to worry about GFC West. I'm fairly certain you're the exception that proves the rule seeing as you've been able to stay alive in this business for this long. Had you been one of the leaders fitting for success at step 1 you wouldn't have been in a position to reach the point you are at right now. 

Keep doing what you're doing and you'll be at no risk of getting Latomed. No one will go Latomic on your ass if you stay on the same path you've been on for so long.

Scenario 2 is frightfully close to home 

Great words from a great human that always knows the best way to work in all things.

Lights a smoke and walks out with a big grin on his face, he really loved what he read about what latom wrote to the public.

Step 4 sounds very interesting does this apply to females only or very very eager gents? I think I might just skip the first three steps and start right at the hand job, I'll let you know how it goes. Cracks knuckles enthusiastically and rolls her wrists. I'll let you know if Refugee likes it.