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Note from the Editor
Due to the outstanding response and public support of Issue I, it is my pleasure to bring the next edition of the Long Island Enquirer to the nearest newspaper vendor near you. Without further ado, I introduce a brand new LIE.
Miscommunication Over Pizza Order Causes Death of Every Man, Woman and Child in Los Angeles
At approximately 10:56 PM on a stormy Thursday, the criminal organization ran by CharlieCroker was put to an abrupt end when the strong arm of Chicago put an end to the city over what allegedly was a misunderstanding over a pizza order.
Sources indicate that CharlieCroker attempted to dial his local Pizza Hut to order his usual Anchovy & Onion Surprise when he instead connected to a pizzeria known for its ties with the Chicago Mafia. During the exchange, the Godfather repeatedly called the up and coming Goomba a whore for not understanding his order, which was brought to the attention of management in the Windy City. Within hours, parts of the city were demolished and bodies riddled the streets. Coffee shops screamed foul as media outlet after media outlet announced fresh deaths by the minute.
"It's a shame to see the city fall for something so incredibly trivial. You'd never guess people would take a pizza so seriously. I guess that's the cost of belonging to an elitist pizza club, though. You feel like you're more entitled." said Jugh Hackman, a longtime resident of Los Angeles and manager of Average Joe's Pizza in Glendale.
"I mean, I know some people take their pizzas in pride, care and love - but that doesn't mean you should go pick a fight just because they don't go to your restaurant and they're having something similar.
Both law enforcement and residents are currently speculating as to whether or not a new organization from one of the many other families in other locations across the country may move in, with Los Angeles Chief of Police Cradley Booper likening the situation to a monarchistic chess game among the powers that be.
"They may move in, they may not. This city might be crime free for a while, but who knows? I will say this - ordering a pizza and staying on their loyalty program will never be the same again."
The shortfall in criminal activity has also resulted in a net decrease in jobs in southern California, as a significant portion of citizens had relied on jobs in the defense and law enforcement sector, which have now been reduced to coincide with the reduction of crime. This has given Mr. Booper's main opponent, Lustin Jong, a new platform in his bid for power. Standing across the Los Angeles Police Department with a large sign exclaiming "Where are the jobs, Mr. Chief?", we approached Mr. Jong for his take on the matter.
"We need to cut travel costs, reduce fines, and deregulate our drug laws to entice business. America, and Los Angeles specifically, needs to open up its legs to the fact that we need to entice more business - criminal or otherwise, to get our jobs back on track. And how do we do that? By completely removing any and all measures that would prevent business from entirely swallowing this country whole."
Both the Government and the criminal community have expressed concern in the growing number of cases in which diehard pizza fans take their loyalties to extreme, regardless of consequence. Followers of criminal headlines may still have the events of January fresh in their minds, when a Don by the name of DonnieBrasco killed his colleague Marston after the latter suggested they dine at a Porky's Pizza Palace location on the outskirts of Saint Louis.
$4,000,000 Hit Posted After Obsessive Fan is Denied Autograph by Edward_Sharpe
An obsessive member who was denied an autograph by a semi-known hand in Saint Louis has set a new definition for the words "petty" after the Enquirer has learned that a $4,000,000 bounty was posted for the life of Edward_Sharpe.
Hit Agency Manager (HAM) Milly Bays was ecstatic to hear that his service was utilized when a transfer was processed through his system.
"Noone really uses the hitlist other than to make idiotic symbolic statements or to leave asinine cryptic messages referring to some archaic grudge that no one really gives a shit about anymore." said Bays, beaming proud.
"But in a way, I'm proud that our service is able to accommodate any member of society who's too much of a chicken shit to do it himself. Plus, we make money off of it."
We tracked Edward_Sharpe down at a local fish shack to have his take on the matter.
C: You're somewhat known for your music, Mr. Sharpe. How did this situation start?
E: You know me. I'm pretty popular. I make it rain. This grudge was started when a fan (whose unimportant name escapes me) asked for an autograph of some of my work. I was in a crowd, I was tired, and I just wanted to get my cucumber and olive oil rubdown by my assistant, Phillippe. I didn't have time to sign his stupid autograph.
C: Obviously, the person wasn't very happy, and he responded by putting an anonymous hit on your life. If given the chance to speak face to face with him, what would you say?
E: I'd shake his hand and ask to borrow a few bucks for a pomegranate infused milk bath since he can obviously afford it. I'd also ask why he wouldn't just man up and talk to me if it was a "strictly business" matter. Seriously, I'm available on the corner from 7:00PM to 2:00 AM on weekends. It's not that hard to just set up an appointment and deal from there. I'll be happy to sign his autograph, too.
C: How much do you charge by the ho-cough-
C: I meant, have you been affected by the hit posting, or have you been unfazed?
E: Oh, I'm unfazed. I'm happier to know that I have as many fans as my father did. (I have more, though.) I'm just disappointed that I couldn't live up to my father's $10,000,000 posting. Even then, Million Dollar Baby ain't got shit on me.
C: Would you be interested in receiving free information on how you can earn a degree online?
E: I CAN EARN A DEGREE ONLINE??????
E: HOLY SHIT
Update: This article has been edited to respond to changing events. We originally reported that a $3,000,000 hit had been posted, which was eventually bought off, only to be replaced with a $4,000,000 hit, meaning some jackass with a passion and grudge that would rival your most riveting radio opera is still roaming. Beware.
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Despite Incentives and Rewards from Government, Credit Prices Remain at Record Prices, Idiots Keep Buying Them Regardless
Earlier last week saw the unveiling of several new incentives put forth by the Federal Government in an effort to compartmentalize and keep organized crime's spread at a minimum. Most criminals were grandfathered in, reaping in lavish cash and rewards much to the dismay of Congress. While this was expected by many economists to lower the price of credits due to inflation, the sudden giveaway has done little, if any to curb the skyrocketing prices that are being felt in the marketplace, which have steadily climbed over the past few months to record costs.
"It's a fucking disgrace." said Enquirer economist Kim Jramer, wearing a chicken head mask while spinning a massive clock counter-clockwise.
"And these idiots are still buying them! Why on earth would you spend $400,000 for something you could have bought at half that price a few months ago? We don't seem to hear the end of complaints about how high they are. You want to lower prices? Take your money out of the system. All of you. Collectively, don't buy a single dime's worth until prices dive down to levels more reasonable. The second any reasonably sized collective group gets together and protests them is when those prices tumble. Stop punishing yourself with impatience."
While economists have relied on war in the past to reduce credit prices, the current trend of localized and city-specific crime has meant less of an impact on the credit industry, with prices continuing to climb prices despite reluctance with the general populace.
TylerDurden Voted Worst Strategist Of All Time, Sets Record For Most War Casualties In Human History
Today marked a new milestone in the atrocities committed by TylerDurden and his infamous zombie army, with analysts from several sources confirming that TylerDurden has caused more casualties than any other armed conflict in recorded history.
The record was set when Benjaminyamasaki was confirmed dead from a single bullet wound to the head, surpassing several conflicts that competed with one another for the title. Surpassing the Mongol Conquests, the Taiping Rebellion and World War I, the award was given by the chairman of the Deployment of International Extinction, Lolph Dundgren.
"It's a supreme honor to have so many deaths in as little time as Tyler has managed to do it." said Lolph proudly. "We'll gladly offer our assistance any way we can in making sure TylerDurden and his useless members that have no purpose in this world die as quickly as possible."
"You know, I'm not surprised one bit. They're pretty much zombies!" said Godmother Whatsername, whom we joined in a bell tower several hundred feet up, complete with her sniping gear.
"I mean, you basically just sit, aim, and.. FIRE!" she exclaimed before an explosive crossbow bolt roared across the sky, striking and immediately decapitating her target with a hearty and meaty "pop".
"But hey, I'm not complaining. It gives me a chance to really enjoy the scenery up here, and keep on top of my hunting skills. After all, who wouldn't enjoy slaughtering zombie-like humans as if they were cattle?" she said, pointing to the several dozen or so headless carcasses littered around the city.
Human rights activists see no end in sight as the elusive Phoenix-like character of TylerDurden returns from his laboratory in Delaware City every few weeks to wreak havoc to the Eight Cities in the form of countless bodies littering the streets, causing multiple health concerns as Government employees are vastly overwhelmed. In one small area of Philadelphia, residents have been forced to burn mass graves, carrying ash and soot to the main city.
"Hey, look! The sky is dropping powdered licorice!" exclaimed a small child in amusement.
"This is a massacre of epic proportions." said hospital worker Cohn M. JcGinley, closing paperwork on another victim after confirming their identity. Signaling the assistant to cart them away, it was the four hundredth body that he sent to the mass burial site only half a mile from the hospital site.
"If this is TylerDurden's attempt at a takeover, he's doing a piss poor job at it. They're pretty much painting targets on their head and standing out in broad daylight, just waiting to be killed. Oh, sure, they'll shoot back at you if you miss - only that their ammunition is made out of compressed flesh from the previous wave. It never manages to actually kill someone. Smoke and mirrors, as far as I'm concerned."
"All of them.. ALL OF THEM, DEAD." he shouted, punching his next arrival, John Doe #401.
Ugandan Banker Returns to Shores With Brand New Schemes From Nigeria
Arriving at the shores of Ellis Island for the first time in more than 10 years, infamous banker, extorter and vault security extraordinaire GeorgeAgdgdwngo brushes the dust off of his moth eaten coat. Despite being thought dead not once, but more than four times, the banker has seen his share of regime change, corruption, Ponzi schemes and more attempts on his life than he can count. Yet, with that vast experience, he has returned to the shores of New York to make for himself a name that was once tarnished by multiple allegations of corruption, check fraud, narcotics smuggling, false fire alarms, and incessant gambling that has ruined him financially more than once. Slipping into obscurity during those times, he took a variety of odd jobs to support himself financially, including prostitution, the organ black market, and at one point, the unthinkable - honest banking.
His newest moneymaking scheme involves personally typing letters to individuals offering them lucrative payoffs in exchange for short term advances. "plz depost $400,000 n ur drem will kum tru. cost need for brybe n wyr tranfer." is a common pitch in many of them, with George playing multiple roles in the the updated version of The Spanish Prisoner. The venture has proved successful, with Agdgdwngo Enterprises reporting a 62% rise in revenue over the last quarter. We sat down with Mr. Agdgdwngo at a casino bar in New York to interview him on his recent success.
S: We noticed some screaming earlier at the roulette table - how many of your children did you put up as human capital to pay for your losses tonight?
G: 17 and a half - the half is the next one due in a few months.
S: As a native of Uganda, tell us how you became involved in the banking system and more importantly - bank fraud.
G: Hey, kids are expensive. When you're popping them out like I do, (pun intended) you've go to make your ends meet. This won't be a problem after tonight, though.
S: And you landed a job at a bank shortly thereafter?
G: Hey, hang on a second.
Mr. Agdgdwngo returned four minutes later, carefully wiping his right hand on a bar napkin before continuing.
G: My job with the bank was not an easy one to come across, it took a long time to land it, all of 15 minutes and a document to sign saying I could speak some English.
S: Yet you're in America - how did you find yourself here?
G: Well me and my brother (RUP - Got into a lot of debt, he wasn't a very good sweet talker like my self) found ourself a boat, leaving for America full of fruit, so we hid in them.
S: Creative. And you decided to continue your bank fraud - which you've become successful of, mostly in part from your first venture, which was claiming to your clients that their personal bank vaults were on fire. Obviously, they'd arrive and you'd introduce them to your pitbull, which incapacitated them to the point where you'd be able to get away with cleaning them dry. A few times you've been in hiding due to your gambling, which caused you to lose out on potential revenue as well - what did you do in those in-between years?
G: I moved around a lot, changed names, sold fake government bonds, grew coconuts out of my backyard. Whatever paid the bills at the time, really.
S: You don't care to comment on your history of working on the streets in the late hours?
G: People know about that?
S: Now they do.
G: Sweet jesus, I thought I had hidden that dirty secret well.
S: Before starting your current business, Agdgdwngo Enterprises, you were reportedly named one of the top players in the organ black market. Can you expand on your experience in that area?
G: Well I can't say too much as families are *still* looking for me, but fake ID's and qualifications are wonderful when you need a job at a hospital! Sorry for taking your kidney, Billy.
S: And to finish, you've been one to extort on a scale of upwards of thousands of people - if you could say one thing to your victims now that you've had time to look back on it, what would you say?
Taking the same stained bar napkin, he wrote his reply before sending off his 17 children and pregnant partner, with several distinct screams of "Daddy? DADDY?!"
Thank you for your wonderful monies.
Love, G. Agdgdwngo
x
Final Notes from the Editor
This work is presented to you as (mostly) fiction. Only a fool would take all content at face value.
Continuing the tradition the Priscilla Press set, if you're a fan of the Long Island Enquirer, consider contributing to Solastalgia's Cocaine Fund. For just the price of a cup of cocaine a day, you'll be ensuring that you receive cutting edge reporting, content and hours on end of entertainment for the head writer.
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