For a couple of hours, although it may have seemed longer than it was, Judge_Topperson had been wasting time in Grin-08's Headquarters by listening to Ethel_Scroggins's advise on sewing, hemming, stitching and knitting techniques.
Not that it wasn't interesting, but.. Well.. Waiting in the line in front of a post office that will only open in a couple of hours was at least equally interesting to Judge_Topperson.

So as old Mrs Scroggins spoke of the different kind of needles she used, Judge_Topperson decided to overthink more existential things. The meaning of life, stuff lacking from Gunnar Nordström's theories about the dimensions describing gravity and electromagnetism, how to accomplish world peace, moral issues of torturing prisoners and how to make easy money.

After solving the first four, Judge_Topperson came up with an idea for the fifth.

There seemed to be a massive interest in both recent outbreaks of wars and their aftermath. Surely, Judge_Topperson could generate money out of this.. It didn't take long before he had a watertight plan. The whole concept would, of course, center around himself and his (bought) title of being a Judge, based on the proven concept of Seattle Court and the newly establish thing he set up in Las Vegas...

I do need to remember the name of the new set-up in that church, he mumbled. Or make it easier..

He grabbed BonJonBovi's personalised soapbox, dusted it off, as it was hardly ever used, and stepped on top of it. He clapped twice and spoke

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I know you all love expressing your sentiments on battles, on wars, especially if your forefathers are killed. But wouldn't it be nice to actually have it, whatever you want to have, to be official? To be declared to be right in your opinion? To have someone admit that your version of the story is true? To have verification of logs being fake? To have, albeit fake.. To have proof about someone snitching, someone leaking, someone having intentions of jumping ship, someone killing someone else for the wrong reasons.. Or sparing them instead..

Well, ladies and gentlemen.. From today on, a proper judge..

Judge_Topperson held his diploma high up in the air in two hands, his arms fully stretched.

Yes, this is proof. And no, it is not faked. This is a proper diploma of me making the bar and it doesn't matter how I got this, Mrs Scroggins..

From today on, you can buy your rightfullness here in the streets. Pay enough and we will advertise your version of whatever it is as the truth.

Looking angry at a local reporter, the Judge added

Yes.. We is I here, yes.. I will advertise that version as the truth

There are no rules or.. What?

The local reporter started to being an annoyance to Judge_Topperson, as he again questioned the Judge's intents

Of course, there will be rules. But on paper there aren't and we can always change them as we go..

Yes, I.. We is I.., as I said before!
Anyway, what is your business here, shouldn't you be doing your work somehow? I heard there's an opening at the MobGov..

Looking back up again, Judge_Topperson was gestured he was ready for the first case of his just born tribunal, although Prof-V-Jameson was yet to manufacture some official sign

I hereby declare the very first national crooked court opened!

Having recently flown to Chicago from the warmer climates of the West, Rowley had somewhat encountered misfortune over the previous few days, what with Ethel_Scroggins failing to provide him with suitable attire for the climate change and now the airline company misplacing some of his treasured possessions. 

Seeking legal advice the first solicitor advised Rowley that it was useless... a lost case.
The second turfed him out of the office quicker than you could say boo to a goose - probably because he had wained into the conversation about the time he had hunted geese with the Marquis du Fronsac and actually tried to time how long it actually took to say "Boo" to one. 

Just as he was starting to feel luck wasn't on his side that when had stumbled across Judge Topperson and his intriguing court! 

"Good Evening Judge, I am searching for some retribution against an airline that has mislaid some of my valuables, I need for this to be swift as I have much to do, if you don't mind me saying I think this should be a simple one for you to rule upon, some would even call it a brief case... Can you assist"

With that - Rowley sat down and pulled out some of his Remy XO and quaffed away.

Judge_Topperson looked confused. Surely, he never expected the first case to be about much at all. He reckoned it would at most be about some vampire that was shot in their bedroom, although Judge_Topperson did neither believe in vampires, nor that anyone would ever know what would happen in a vampire bedroom. He expected it to be a small case, as all things start small. Rumour had it that even Grin-08 started small, when he was born.

But then again, it wasn't about the content of the first case that Judge_Topperson was confused about. It mostly was the fact that Rowley had stepped in, sat down, asked a question and then started to drink.

In itself, Topperson wasn't opposed to any of this, but something was missing..

Pecunia.. he mumbled to Rowley.. Seeing Rowley looking puzzled, the judge explained a bit more.

It's Latin.. It means money. Sorry for the complexity of my reaction, but don't worry, de facto it's the only Latin I know..

Topperson decided that he should just cooperate a bit more, as this was his first ever case, so he actually answered Rowley

I do think I can help you with your brief case, Rowley.. but I do have a question for you.. When you gave it to the flight attendant, was the case closed?

After a small pause, he added

And I have another question..

Can you return BonJonBovi's soapbox for me? I would bring it back to Grin-08's HQ myself, if I did not expect Mrs @EthelScroggins to be there, and I don't want to intervene her indoctrination of teaching knitting techniques to OctopusLegs..

Foamy wanders into the tribunal, desperate for justice

Good Judge, I seek recompense from TrashPanda for two things.

firstly, that for stealing my autumn stash of nuts.  when i caught him redhanded and asked what it thought it was doing, it replied 'Nuttin, i guess'

and secondly, for continuously undoing the lock on my luggage. It's an open and shut case.

I await your judgement

As Humu had heard of a judge that would stick up for the little guy (or fishy) he knew he had to come and present his life time struggle and most pressing concerns immediately. As he found his way to the mainland's Western Coast he prepared his case mentally. He knew this judge to be of the kind that would rather be open for monetary reasoning rather than human entitlements so his conservation funds could be spent well he imagined.

Hello there Judge Topperson,

My name is Humuhumunukunukuapua'a, yes it's a long but awesome name, and i'm a native fishy to the coastal areas of Kauai out in the pacific. Where?? Well you never left the mainland, but you would not enjoy it there surely!! Trust me on that one please!!!

My case, my case? Sorry for not being as quick on my fins as you are on your feet, but this whole place is too dry for my brain to be on top speed. Let me explain it to you

So ever since that dreaded Englishman Took, Cook, Crook or whatever his name was came to the islands, and killed most of the nice folk we had around, it has been overburdened by rude and criminal folk. They brought with them some strange looking fluffy creatures that they shave yearly??? No idea why, but i bet Elodin and Trashpanda should be given the same treatment. Any how, digressing here. So the issue with these new white people is that they come and trample everything on land and on the ocean floor. My personal coralreef is being destroyed as we speak. The colony of sharks i hired to guard it has been scared shitless, no idea why, apparently something about biological warfare, some kind of mustard gassing of a kind. They mentioned someone called cromwell as a source of expertise on this, I would suggest to call him up as a crown witness (hur, hur, hur).

Anyways I want you to file a case again all stupid mainlanders banning them from visiting the islands, and surely no more diving nor snorkling close to coral reefs and have them pay at least 1BN$ in penalties to be deposited in the Aloha Coral Reef program that some smart islander has set up.

Thank you for listening to my case good judge

Ladies and gentlemen,

I present you all the case of Foamy versus TrashPanda!

From now on, the two of you will have the option to anonymously send your money to bfa80624e743a987789bcddaf814b180. Do not forget to enter a description.. Or do and send it once more. Or just transfer your money directly to me. Whoever sends the most becomes the owner of Foamy's nuts.

Taking a small nap after making the decision on how to handle Foamy's case, Judge_Topperson suddenly was woken up by something that seemed to be blowing bubbles. After a while, Judge_Topperson started understanding that it in fact was a talking fish that was trying to file a case against people in general. Topperson sighed.

This work is harder than I expected. I thought I would get away with telling people who was Right and who Wrong, based on the fee they paid. But for now, no money entered the bank account and a have a pile of work.. The fish even wanted Topperson to judge on ineternational law, whilst his illegally obtained license was valid throughout the country only. But then again..

1 Billion you said, humuhumunukunukuapua?

Rowley storms into the court with a face full of determination, carrying law journals that still have library tickets hanging off them

"I believe that I may also need to enter this case and lay claim to the nuts currently held in possession by Foamy"
"I also understand TrashPanda has tried to lay claim to them..."

Rowley Pauses for effect:

"I believe this to be impossible, as you can see from this bank statement

Your accountant makes note that $ has been wired to Judge_Topperson from your account. The note "For The Case of Foamy's Nuts" was included.

...His nuts are already mine..."

Rowley spins on his heels ready to walk away proclaiming 

"and a good day to you sir.... a good day"

Foamy stands up and clears his throat dramatically

OBJECTION YOUR HONOUR!

Rowley received one nut load from me, this does not constitute ownership of future loads.  this is a preposterous claim!

Also, i quite object to your tone sir.

As Humu listened to the Judge murmuring something about his credentials or whatever that was he sighed. Seriously didn't everyone immediately realize that his cause was dire, urgent and justified!!!!???

As he drew up the numbers, showing he planned to put aside 100M$ in the category of 'unexpected expenses' he winked at the judge assuming he was as cunning and greedy as his reputation preceded him.

Listen judge_topperson the hawaiian islands are a protectorate territory of the US, so what ever certificate you managed to swindle onto your wall will work just fine there. The issue is getting out of hand with now more crime families living in seattle getting lots of visit from unsavory rodents from Chicago and Philly. The air pollution has gone up tenfold since the last time we spoke, so please make sure you can make them pay the required amount. You know my budget calculations right???

Judge_Topperson looked at the paperwork Rowley carried and shook his head.. He then looked to his accountant, who indicated that apart from the rather disappointing amount of money Rowley had sent up, no more incoming transfers had been noticed. The judge reponded as was to be expected

Foamy, I will give you some more time to transfer evidence into my bank account, either directly or through Soseki. Finally there is the option to send it to OctopusLegs, Grin-08's Right Hand Squid, but whatever evidence you send that way will be divided by 8, because of administrational fees.

He hoped Foamy understood his precious nuts were on the chopping block as he waited for their next move

Judge_Topperson was handed a note by his accountant.

In the case of Foamy's nuts, I hereby declare Foamy's nuts to be Foamy's and not Rowley's. My motivation is the size of the money transfer. As a compensation, I judge Rowley to pay me a compensation of $800 for grave contempt of court.

Looking Rowley in the eyes, he said

Don't ever send me such a miniscule amount of money again..

Looking up, he spoke up

There, the nutcase is closed.

Next case is that of humushumushumus.. God..

Humus.. Damnit!

Judge_Topperson smashed his hammer on the wooden desk in front of him

@humuhumunukunukuapua.. That's it! 

Whatever it is that you want to claim, I hereby sentence you to be correct and right. I do not need more evidence, no witnesses are required, I just need some of my unexpected expenses to be covered. I don't need the full 70-80% I usually charge..

So.. Who was it that you were sueing?