Duggee's Dingles

Because Duggee's got his Newspaper Editor's Badge

1st Edition

Editorial 

Its not often that a dog writes the news. Generally we grab your paper at the door and chew the shit out of it, before sometimes pissing on the remains. However, I have my Newspaper Editor's Badge, just like it says on the masthead. I earned this working for my Grandfather's paper, and although we seldom produce highbrow articles, we will pick and scratch at any arsehole we find in the search for "Duggee's Dingles". 

Why Duggee's Dingles I hear no one ask? Well a dingle is a deep narrow cleft between hills, usually embowered with trees. I suppose to some folks this reminds them of an arsehole, a hairy one at that. Therefore a dingle berry would be the low hanging fruit on the trees surrounding the dingle. Its actually a very poetic description for something that plagues many people. Of course at dogs we can trail our arses over your carpets, or lick or bite them away, no judgement please people, I am a simple animal at heart. There are of course several other 'street' meanings for dingle, but I'll leave you to research them yourselves, we are simply a purveyor of non biased news, we are not the Encyclopedia Britannica. 

Outbreak of piles hits the Mafia World.

Doctors are at a loss to explain the sudden outbreak of piles that has plagued the mafia world over the last few days. Symptoms are said to include an uncomfortable shuffling gait and deep butt hurt. Some people have already died as a result of their butt hurt, but whether this is as a result of the infection worsening, suicide because of the unending butt hurt or something else entirely is unknown at this time. Sufferers can often be seen shuffling around the streets complaining loudly about their butt hurt and trying to level the blame for that pain on someone else. Recent sufferers have included Damn, Brick, Stinkeye, Thomas Irvin, Mandalorian, Jennys2 and Xxxx. 

We have discovered that this localised outbreak happens from time to time, and for the vast majority of us, should be nothing to worry about. If you feel a case of the piles coming on, you should:

• Contact your Doctor
• Stay out of the streets until it passes
• Cut your nails
• Avoid Scratching.

Thankfully the current wave of butt hurt seems to be subsiding and the Surgeonb General has advised that normal service should be resuming shortly.

Charles Barkley replaced by his Granny.

In this thing of ours, when we die, it is usual for the next generation to take our place. A Son, a daughter, perhaps a cousin or a brother or sister. But in a break from tradition, MobGov magnate, Charles Barkley (101 year old from Ballard), who died peacefully in his sleep on July 4th, has been replaced by his elderly Granny, one Ethel_Scroggins. Ethel is understood to be currently employed by the notorious mobster Grin-08, and holds an 8th Dan Black belt in Knitting and Capoeira.

We approached Ethel recently to find out her plans, and although she was not very forthcoming on the future of MobGov we did leave with several bags of boiled sweets, 2 jumpers, 3 scarves and a willy warmer all hand crocheted during the 45 minute interview. Ethel can be found at Scroggins Woollens of Chicago if you require any knitted goods in the run up to winter. Mention Duggee's Dingles to have 20% added to your bill.

Cities decimated in the War to end all Wars

During what should have been a celebration of a bunch of ungrateful colonials giving the finger to the greatest Empire the world has ever known, war broke out. Debates have already been had in the streets regarding the rights and wrongs of this war, and who was to blame, and we shall not pick at that scab any further (in order to help prevent a further outbreak of piles). Unfortunately many great people and leading lights of our community (and JackHenryAbbot) perished defending what they believed to be the right side. This has left us with essentially the dregs of humanity and a load of low ranked associates with which to rebuild society. Duggee's Dingles offer our heartfelt condolences to the families of:

Charles_Barkley

gestra

Nipsey

Hammond

OctopusArms

gestna

STITCH

OldBumMaggy

_Tish_

The_Hitcher

__________I_________

West

TheHound

__________I________

Ubercorn

Pride

The Remaining families have worked tirelessly to quickly rebuild our cities and house the great unwashed which has seen many new families authed. Rumours abound that Grin-08 may be about to roll out his 5-man crew initiative to other cities, however as of going to print we have been unable to verify this.

Congratulations go to FredDavis (Professional Snooker player from Chesterfield), Alan (Tesco Delivery driver with the manners of a member of Iceland staff), BonJonBovi (Former RHM of the Fiddlers) and Taps-Man (The oldest man in the world) amongst others. We assure you that we will be on hand in the coming days... yes days at least, hopefully weeks and months... to report the news and keep those in power on the straight and narrow. We are watching... watching and dragging our arses across your carpets!

Laugh reads over the newspaper and grins. He tucks it underneath his arms and goes back HQ to speak with Duggee. He notices Duggee playing with the lion in the raccoon costume. He approached the two men. He looks over at Duggue.

I was delighted to read your paper. The streets needs more quality papers like this. The late Charles_Barkley did an amazing job with MobGov.. Thank you for the condolences for my ancestor Pride. I hope his hard work and dedication within both King Fidd's family and Elodin's family were noticed. I know he was still young but dedicated all his time to them both. I'm sure everyone has taken notice on your condolence section. Thank you again for the newspaper and I look forward to more.

Duggee smiles at Laugh and extends a paw to shake his hand.

"Wuff wooof woof. Woof woof."

Thankfully Duggee's evolutionary Narrator, who sounded suspiciously like Alexander Armstrong, was on hand to deal with translation issues for those who weren't animals and didn't speak Canineese.

Yes Duggee, I'm sure everyone was sad to hear of his father's passing, and we did lose many great mafioso over those few days.

hey Duggee

what about animal piles?  I mean, we don't have opposable thumbs so clipping nails is fucking difficult.

can we get prep H?

Duggee was pleased to see the level of interaction his fine publication had garnered, perhaps he could include an agony aunt section in the paper starting next issue. Grabbing a pen and paper he decided to write a full and detailed reply to foamy, given the sensitive nature of the question.

Hi Foamy, awesome question. We reached out to several vets in the tri state area and found that the majority of animals dont suffer from piles, however Cats, dogs, horses and apes have been known to get them from time to time. Normally this is as a result of straining too much during birthing of young, but in cats it can be a hereditary condition, with certain species developing them naturally. 

Thankfully we dont normally stick our paws or hooves up our arses, so long claws shouldnt be an issue.

Ennio eagerly read the first edition of Duggee's Dingles. Not a typical name for print, that went for sharp eyed names like Observer, Chronicle, Citizen, Herald, Tribune, Journal, Times, Post, Globe or the Press. Normally the names sounded urgent and the one-source. Although he never seen a paper called Source. Anyway, Dingles.. made him think of his uncle's dog that he despised and had to walk after school and twice on the weekend. Who was this Duggee and how did he (or she) know so much about America? He must have amazing sources, and resources.

Famous people were probably calling him all the time.. Ennio_Morricone needed Duggee. He needed ideas for to bring the voices & sounds of America to his burgeoning roadhouse in Philly.

How would he meet him? How could he begin a conversation. He'd need to continue to read his columns. After 2nd edition for sure, he'd try to whip something together.