Columbo sat the brown paper bag down on the table and took off his trench coat, hanging it on the back of the chair.  It had been a long morning of dealing with “Family Deliveries” and he was looking forward to the sandwich he had just picked up from the corner deli.  Sliced pastrami with sharp cheddar cheese, thinly sliced dill pickles,  a spread of mustard and mayonnaise, all on a French bread roll.  Sitting down, he could feel his mouth begin to water in anticipation of that first bite.

Just as he pulls the sandwich out of the bag, a young kid runs into the room and directly over to where he’s sitting.  “Sir, Sir, HustlinHoe wants to see you” came out between ragged breathes.  “She says it’s urgent!”

Letting out a deep breath, Columbo feels his shoulders sag as he places the sandwich back into the bag.  Looking at the kid and knowing at that age, food is everything, he says “Hungry kid?”  The kid nods and stares at the bag.  Shaking his head from side to side, Columbo hands the kid the sandwich and says “Enjoy, it’s my favorite”.  Standing up and putting his trench coat back on, he exits the meeting room and toward the stairs that lead to the boss’s office.

Half way up the stairs, he hears the boss’s voice as she is talking very loud and is obviously upset about something.  Then he hears a loud thud as something heavy hits the wall close to the doorway.  Cautiously but quickly,  he continues up the stairs, pulling his gun, in case the boss is in trouble.  Listening at the door, he continues to hear the loud voice of HustlinHoe but can’t hear anyone else.

Taking a deep breath, Columbo throws open the door and levels the gun, looking for who ever HustlinHoe is focusing her anger upon.  Quickly scanning the room, he realizes his boss is in there alone.  She stares at him for several long seconds before saying “What the fuck are you doing pulling a gun in my office?”

Columbo nervously replaces the gun in his holster before answering.  “Sorry boss, I heard you yelling and thought you might be in trouble”.

Red in the face, still obviously extremely angry, she takes a deep breath to calm herself.  In a surprisingly calm voice, she says “If I was in trouble, you would hear gun shots.  That’s how I deal with trouble.”  Columbo watched as his boss was once again filled with rage before she blurts out “BUT SOMEONE ATE MY FUCKING BAKLAVA!  YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE AN INVESTIGATOR, SO FIND OUT WHO IT WAS…..NOW!!!!!!!!!”

With the room filled with silent tension, Columbo just stared at his boss, trying to process what she just said.  Seeing the confusion on his face, she allowed some of the rage to dissipate before saying “Look, there is a place across town that makes the best Baklava.  I only get over there a few times a year as it’s out of the way.  Yesterday, one of the other crew leaders brought me a piece which I put in the ice box.  Sometime between 5 pm last night and 11 am this morning, someone took it.”  Then with a hardened look and a voice that almost hissed, she continued “I want to know who did it!”

“Ok boss, I’m on it” came a little too quickly as he turned to leave the room.

She followed up with “And Columbo, don’t ever pull a gun in my office again unless you want me to shoot your ass.  Jesus Christ Rookie, who pulls a gun over a fucking pastry”.

Walking down the stairs, Columbo thought to himself Need to check out the scene of the crime first of all.  Walking through the meeting room, he first went to his storage locker and pulled out some essentials.  Once he went through his mental checklist and felt he had everything, he turned and quickly moved to the kitchen area.

Arms full of supplies, he sets down the tablet of paper, pencil, magnifying glass, sample bag, tweezers, and a roll of yellow tape.  The first think he needed to do was secure the crime scene.  Grabbing a couple of chairs from the meeting room, he spaced them out on either side of the entrance to the kitchen, then strung yellow tape across from chair to chair.  As he’s doing this, H-E-R-O walks into the meeting room and turns toward the kitchen.

Columbo watches the RHM stop and look at the newly secured crime scene.  After several long seconds with neither saying a word, H-E-R-O says “Columbo, what are you doing?”. 

Instantly, Columbo feels on edge as he remembers something his mentor taught him, Criminals are the curious type and always return to the scene of the crime.  Clearing his throat, Columbo replies “There was a crime committed here last night and I’ve been tasked with solving it.  Were you heading to the kitchen for something?”  Columbo reaches over and grabs his note pad, writing across the top SUSPECT #1 – The RHM.  Then below he writes RETURNED TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME.

H-E-R-O scrunches up his face in irritation and says “Stop this nonsense.  I’ve got better things to do than deal with dumbass rookies.  My lunch is in the icebox and I’m starved.”  As he walks closer, Columbo holds up his hands and says “Hey, HustlinHoe assigned me this investigation.  I’ll grab your lunch.  Wait here.”

Opening the ice box, Columbo looks inside and sees a couple of brown bags along with a metal lunch box.  Asking over his shoulder “Hey, which one is yours anyways?”

With a voice filled with frustration, H-E-R-O answers “The metal lunch box is mine.  And don’t you say a fucking word or god help me I’ll shoot you right now!”

Pulling out the lunch box, @ Columbo notices that the side is painted with a simple cartoon character of a man in blue tights and with a red cape, in a pose like he is flying.  Walking back toward the doorway, Columbo realizes he may be missing a clue.

“Ah, just a second.  Need to wipe off the side of the box as it got dirty somehow” states Columbo as he sets the box on the counter.  In the back of his mind he thinks I bet he hid the stolen Baklava in his lunch box and now is coming back to get it!  Got him!  Quietly opening the lid, he looks inside to see a simple sandwich, apple, and some cut up vegetables.  With a big exhale, he shuts the lid, reapplying the metal clasp, and walks out to hand the lunch box over.

Just as he’s about to hand it over, Columbo says “One more thing.  Where were you last night?”

H-E-R-O just stared at him for several seconds before shaking his head and replying “Last night, the boss had me make a delivery down at the docks.  Stopped over at Nemo’s and had a big bowl of Clam Chowder before going home.  Probably 5:30 pm.  Now, would also like to know the last time I took a shit?”

Columbo just shook his head and then extended his arm, handing the Superman lunch box to the RHM.  H-E-R-O looked down at the metal can and then back up at Columbo, narrowing his eyes before saying “DON’T YOU SAY A FUCKING WORD”.  Then he lifted his hand up and extended his forefinger and thumb straight up representing a gun then pointed at him before making a pppeewwww sound.  The meaning was clear and Columbo felt a chill run down his back.

As the RHM walked away, Columbo grabbed his note pad and put a large X through the words FIRST SUSPECT before writing HAS ALIBI, ATE AT NEMO'S.  Then he also wrote down SCARY SOB.

Columbo, what are you talking about, son?

Columbo watched the door close and was once again alone.  Not to be defeated, he grabbed up his magnifying glass and went back to the ice box to see if he could find any evidence.  Quickly, he opened each of the two other brown paper bags and discovered one was filled with apples and the other was an old lunch that had been there a very long time and smelled horribly, but neither contained the missing Baklava.  Putting the bag with the apples back in the ice box and feeling frustrated that the trail had gone cold so quickly, he walked over to throw the old and decaying food into the trash.

Out of reflex, Columbo took in a sharp, deep breath as he saw a paper plate lying on its side in the trash can.  Setting the rotting food on the counter, he reached over and grabbed his tweezers.  Carefully reaching down, he grabbed the plate and slowly lifted it out of the trash and gently set it on the counter.  Filled with excitement, he began to examine the surface, looking for evidence.  And there it was, he had finally found a piece of evidence in the case.  The plate had two small brown stains, which upon further inspection, appeared to be a sticky substance similar to honey.  And stuck to one of these spots was a flakey white substance along with what appeared to be a small broken piece of nut.  He had found the plate that had once held the Baklava.

Columbo, ran his hand through his hair as he began to piece together the information.  The Baklava was stolen last night and with the plate here in the kitchen trash, there was only one conclusion. Someone consumed the stolen Baklava in the HQ.  He thought to himself What a brazen act to have eaten the bosses prized possession right under her nose, yet it’s brilliant!

Figuring his next step would be to begin interviews of the crew members, he grabbed the plate and the rotten food and just as he was about to drop the food into the trash, he took a second sharp deep breath.  The trash can was completely empty with a new trash liner except for one other item.  He looked down upon a plastic fork and just stared at his find.  Setting the other items back down on the counter, he once again used his tweezers to pull the utensil from the trash.

No doubt in his mind, this was the utensil used to consume the Baklava.  Touching the prongs, they appeared sticky and were most likely covered in the honey used in the pastry.  But more important was the other evidence provided.  There were signs of lip stick on the fork.

Columbo could barely hold his excitement.  He had narrowed down the criminal to either a female he would expose one of the men in the crew as a cross-dresser.  His heart was racing as he opened an evidence bag and placed the utensil inside along with the paper plate.  Finally able to throw the rotten food into the trash, he was filled with adrenaline at knowing he was getting closer to catching the thief!

Hey, Columbo,

my wifes a massive fan of your work. Now, Baklava, is that the turkish sweet thing or that thing mook robbers wear to a heist?