It has come to my attention that in a speech recently, Grin-08 made this statement: 

For every whinger who didn't prove themselves to their CL, there is an Elodin, an AidenPearce, a Vincent, a TwoKnucklesDeep. A OneEyedMonster, an Anne_Nicolle, an Anton, a FrizzBee, a Hush; even a Cromwell.

Even a Cromwell.

The leader of the streets, the mafia, and the best basketball team in the country.

In light of this disrespect, I am fielding offers from all other city heads, district leaders, underground groups and resistance efforts for my services.

Truthfully, I know who I am hoping gives me a call, because I'm ready to dive deep into SpikeS's Cattleverse.

At first I thought, why beat an incredibly simple metaphor so badly to death? Only after did I see the beauty - and necessity - in a completely fleshed out metaphor world. Farmers, barns, cattle, sub-cattle, ephemeral-cattle-benefactors, all things he has actually said and, baby, I am here for it. 

Let us remember a famous quote from the Cattleverse:

It is better to die facing and standing up against those that want to and will grind you to Burger.

I don't want to be a capital-B Burger. I've got a big game coming up. Minced meat doesn't do well in the paint, although if I can bait a flagrant out of a hungry Laker, it might be worth it. 

Anyway, here's another quote from the Cattleverse we've painted up on the locker room wall at Chicago Boston Celtics HQ:

It behooves those that wish to see this regime end to move when the time is right, and to be on call for honor and to rise above subservience.

Behooves. He's even throwing cow puns into the sincere moments. That is dedication to his craft. Cows, man, yes! 

But you know what? 

I am on call for honor. Call me. Because I want to honor with you. Behoove me to honor you. Let's behoove our honor together. 

I am officially a free agent. 

A part-time wannabe MG-PPR roving reporter steps up to the obviously emootional Cromwell.

Hey Mr Cromwell, I have a few questions.

• Do you feel you’re trying to milk this situation between the Cattleverse and Chicago to get yourself a better deal in the Windy City? 

• If that’s not the case, is the fear that you’ll be put out to pasture if you don’t get snapped up?

• Is the option to farm you out to one of the feeder teams one that appeals to you?

• The rumours are that outside of training, you tend to graze a lot.  Is this lack of discipline the real reason you are raising the steaks in your contract negotiations?

Hello, MG-PPR, thank you for your questions. And can I just say right off the bat: moo. 

The truth is, I've really enjoyed my time in Chicago. The fans here are the best in the world. I love you guys, and I'm in love with you guys, but I felt like it was time to explore my options. Am I leveraging my position as both the leader of the streets and the last remaining Chicago crewleader besides Grin to get what's best for me? You bet. I deserve that. I am an MVP. 

Am I afraid of the repurcussions?

Yes. I am deadly afraid. That guy talks to ghosts. And really, as far as Ghost Anton is concerned, that among other things. 

Let's go to another quote that inspires me from Spike's Cattleverse:

Disposable teens. Cattle. A consumable.

It's like yokel beat poetry: Stray dog. Tractor. TV dinner. I teach my team to use this technique before big games. It's very meditative. Swish. Crowd cheer. Cocaine. 

I want to hear some offers.

A follow-up if I may Mr Cromwell...

What if there was a bovine related Chicago franchise?  Would that tick boxes?

I wouldn't have a cow about it, MG-PPR. A bovine-related Chicago franchise sound a little absurd to me though. They would have to be named something ridiculous, like The Chicago Boston Bulls. Very dumb. 

What I really hope is that the underground comes forward. We have so much in common. They hate Grin, I hate Grin. They are weak, I am strong. They are poor, I am rich. They have nothing, I am wildly successful. Really, we have one important thing in common and that should be enough. 

As SpikeS, founder of the Cattleverse, once said:

you will end up as sausage in the grinder as Meat.

Capital-M Meat is not something I aspire to. 

The only thing I want is a basketball championship in a city, or underground crew, that deserves me.  

"If isn't Cromwell, the last of the summer wine of The Grin Gang," I mused to nobody in particular hoping my chagrin wasn't too obvious. A purge list was no good if gutter-filth like this were free to run down their contracts and field better offers elsewhere. It behooved a response. 

"I recently enjoyed a night out with Curtis in one of Seattle's finest restaurants. What? They exist. We went to dinner - steak, naturally - and we discussed what all of our underlings should be doing over the next purge season. Do you know what we have in store for you? Nothing. It'll be blackballed or the bench for you. I won't be strong armed by the likes of you. You'll be lucky to make it onto Drop-down Spike's cheerleading squad and apparently they just stand on the sidelines pleading with people to "mark themselves disloyal" between rolling family members into shallow graves and patting themselves on the back. That's right, you'll aspire to be one of those dweebs. A 76er in all but name. Leave Chicago and face the consequences."

Listen here, 08. Let me remind you of a real quote from my friend Spike:

A child makes a mess with drawing a finger-painted mongoose, and expects someone else to clean it all up. This is not a world of children, and they had a responsibility as adults. Instead, they relied on everyone else to jump in with a mop with no bucket.

This is the world we live in. A child draws a mongoose. Suddenly, there are no more children. What happened? Ask the mops. They have lost their buckets.

This is your tyranny and I will not stand for it.

No.

I will run away from it, if a suitable offer presents itself. 

ah, but is it the mops or is it the mop heads?

The distinction is an important one.

It also behooves me to bet you 10 dollars that you can't reach that beef on the upper shelf.

or...............................puts sunglasses on

are the steaks too high?

yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah

No offers yet but that is likely the result of what should be considered the appropriate and necessary due diligence required to land a free agent such as myself.

Sources have informed me that LogenNineFingers is pouring over drafts of personal terms put together to lure me to Philadelphia. It'll be interesting but I'm not so sure that's the destination for me, given how NineFingers has risen through the ranks to become a Right-Hand there despite his short and stout stature. I'm starting to think they barely understand basketball at all.

My greatest hope remains with the disloyal revolution. As the very eloquent street speaker BenShapiro said yesterday:

Spike is in your head rent free his ancestors have touched you so deeply his sons are on your every thought. You live day to day cycling within thoughts within your head even killed off your own city and have been have suicidal thoughts.

I mean, god damn that is such a weird first sentence. But the point is valid. My thoughts dress themselves in spandex, hop on their best Trek bike, and cycle the lonely roads of my mind towards the deep places in which I have been touched by Spike's sons.