MG-PPR - Knowledge Is Porridge

Pew Pew Report 2 - Tammy’s Best Superlative – So good it killed her

Greetings avid reader.  We come to you today with the next installment of the rectal temperature check of the six cities.  Events move quickly in this super fluid environment.  As we have already explained elsewhere, the MG-PPR Legalese Department are filing motions to have the commonly used phrase “thick and fast” put to bed…purged if you will.  Again, thick implies viscous and viscous rarely implies fast.  The Legalese Department are willing to take this fight on for all of us.

MG-PPR LD – Ridding the world of (oxy)morons and confusions one at a time

Onto our survey results.  Every one of our survey respondents is a valued member of the MG-PPR family.  We would give you a prize for every time you complete the survey but it’s very unfortunate that it’s anonymous.  Really, really unfortunate.

This time, obviously we delved into how tyrannised you were all feeling, how you take your coffee,  purging, Defender, Cromwell, wood chucks and stuff. 

At this juncture, we would like to delve into our postbag of positivity, otherwise known as other suggestions.

"Tony_TwoTimes was a fucking saint and you suck major dick"

Dear whoever, nobody ever said he wasn't a saint.  We eulogised the man in the best way we know how.  The man lived a long-ish life and held the ideals of looking after number one close to his saintly heart.  Our nocturnal predilections however are our business alone. 

You know you're doing the good work when you get feedback like that, thank you.

"Do a 1 million credit give away or else!"

Well, send us the million credits to give away and we'll do the rest.  Those that think we have access to those sorts of funds are very much mistaken but we will take any donations, anonymous or otherwise, to help get to that goal.  And or else what?

Finally a request, nay a plea from one worried soul,

"Not a suggestion but a message to those killing randomly: Don't kill me. I'm harmless."

Again, unfortunate it's anonymous so we can't pass your name on but we're sure you are so it won't be an issue.  Let us know how that works out.

MG-PPR

Tyranny Index - 6.2

A slight reduction from 6.5. 

Tony_TwoTimes Ghostly Summary - I'm feeling positive that everyone is starting to love Aunty Grin and Friends again.

Have the cities become a little less tyrannical?  Is it a case that tyranny has a baseline and as tyrannical as it may be since it hasn't got any more tyrannical as you are used to it the feeling of tyranny goes down.

It may be some while until we see guillotines so no need for Grin-08, Curtis, Clarkson, Latom, Tetley and Gash have to invest in armour plated neck guards just yet. 

Just don't encourage us, the workers, to dine out on cake just yet!

Question 1 - Milk In Coffee Is...

• Acceptable - 40%
• For Children - 30%
• An Abomination - 25%
• Worse than putting custard in - 5%

Tony_TwoTimes Ghostly Summary - I had coffee twice.  Made me pee a bit more and kept me awake.  Good times.

Any combination of the last three are the only acceptable answers.  To the 40% of you who have admitted to being children, have ghosts taken over your taste buds?  It was probably Ghost OctopusLegs.  There was always something iffy about that one. 

I bet Ron_Swanson doesn't take milk in his coffee.

Question 2 - Is Anybody Dying A Sign Of Purging?

• Depends if I like the deceased or not - 50%
• Aye - 35%
• Naw - 15%

Tony_TwoTimes Ghostly Summary - When I died, I'm sure many of my fans thought I had been purged.  I'd like to put on record, I wasn't, don't worry.

So, driven by the constant stream of funeral comments stating something like "If  your face doesn't fit they'll cut you down" we asked this one. 

The takeaway is be beloved by everyone and when you die lots of people will think you've been purged.  Or maybe if you're loved by many you won't be killed or indeed purged.  Or there will be an out-pouring of grief so large it puts the passing of our dear friend Tony to shame.  Who knows.

What you do is up to you.  Follow Spike's calls for civil disobedience and cross your fingers or go all George Washington and tell no lies. 

When your time is up, your time is up and where you sit on a scale of likedness (upcoming likeability index potential?) will determine if you come across as a victim of a purge. 

Spoiler alert though, you will die...we all will.  Enjoy your 49 days* while you can.

*Current quoted guesstimation

Question 3 - Defender was...

• A defender of his fallen leader's honour - 30%
• Good value for entertainment - 15%
• No better than any purger with his choice of targets -15%
• All other variations - 40%

Tony_TwoTimes Ghostly Summary - Despite me jumping up and down in the streets, why was I not taken as seriously as this Defender dude?

Rogues raise the heart rate a little.  People setting up in defence of their recently fallen leader raise the heart rate a little.  Both look to take a few people down with them and hope to garner support for their cause however noble or debatable it is and debates have gone on all week about where Defender falls into these particular stools.

It's not for MG-PPR to really provide our opinion, if it was we'd have each member of the staff submit multiple replies to the survey...which we would only do where custard or questions about the greatest basketball related CL was (Charles_Barkley obviously!).

The other thoughts are:

• Making the purgers fly about a lot, as indicated in main when OctopusKid started talking about credits that couldnt be used anymore if they never passed through her hands
• I have no clue I just started
• An inspiration to us all
• Exhausting
• Good value for entertainment
• Someone who would have been better admitting they wanted to try and make a name for themselves/wanted to showcase their gun stats...
• Definitely not a defender of anything
• Lazy, should be cap killing by 60 days homez

For the wag that thinks Defender was my mum, she does seem to figure quite frequently over some of the previous surveys.  We weren't aware that she has strayed far enough away from the kitchen stove to get involved so I fear you are mistaken. 

Quite simply, as in all these situations, invariably the folks doing the chasing think Defender was a rogue problem and those not in the firing line or unhappy with their lot in life enjoyed the show.

Question 4 - Cromwell's Leadership Of The Streets...

• Underwhelming - 45%
• Perfect - 10%
• Overwhelming - 5%
• The others - 40%

Tony_TwoTimes Ghostly Summary - I'd have taken the job on had I not been cut down in my prime.

The numbers do not make good reading for Cromwell.  He is the David Moyes to Kuku's Sir Alex Ferguson*

*other sporting analogies do exist, we could say the Ivan Golac to the Jim McLean but that would go over your head, the Reggie Lewis to the Larry Bird...take your pick

In other words, the unenviable task of following a big personality.  We applaud Cromwell's optimism in presumably saying he has been an overwhelming success, if you can't sell yourself then what's the point in waking up each day. 

Let's cheer the poor wee soul up, everyone reading this should send him $1.

Maybe a change of scenery as a free agent will perk him up a bit.  Maybe he's gone stale in the Windy City.  Everyone knows the best basketball franchises hail from Seattle anyway.

Without dwelling too much on the commentary, one detailed point did stand out

about as enjoyable as a particularly wet fart that seeps right through onto your trousers. Whilst you're waiting to have your interview.

The staff here did wonder what the smell was that you left behind that day and don't worry, your secret is safe with us!

Question 5 - Is this really a golden age of peace and prosperity or a pale imitation?

• I'm Scrooge McDuck swimming in a pool of coins so I'm good thanks - 25%
• I'm looking to hang up my guns and get a real job - 20%
• I'm only here to race in the Chicago car races - 20%

Tony_TwoTimes Ghostly Summary - I had no idea there was car racing in Chicago.  I should have spent more time there.

We have spent too long going through this, you're probably bored reading it.  We think we could type marmalade, marmalade, marmalade and you wouldn't notice.

Anyway, there does seem to be a drop in things going on.  Whether it's people being chased from the streets, unable to handle keeping up with the Pew Pew Report or simply struggling to maintain enthusiasm for whatever reason. 

When one fifth of the people are looking to hang up their bobbin pins or whatever they're called then maybe things need looked at.

In all seriousness, go to Chicago, hunt out the car racing and give it a go.  It could end up being as big as the golf and basketball (and that's a good thing)

Question 6 - The woodchuck conundrum.

Tony_TwoTimes Ghostly Summary - Ghost's can't pick anything up so I don't care!

Here are all the guesses/answers etc:

• Als jouw teckel mijn teckel nog een keer tacklet tacklet mijn teckel jouw teckel zo hard dat jouw teckel mijn teckel nooit meer tackelen kan - it's something about tackling a dog
• As much wood as the wood chuck could
• 1
• hubcaps
• 80085
• The problem with the question is that no time reference is given, nor is any specifics given for speed or strength (F=ma). So, with those considerations in mind, I cannot properly engage in this mathematical question. Therefor, I default to the age old wisdom: A woodchuck would chuck all the wood he could if a woodchuck could chuck wood!
• A wood chuck would chuck as much wood as a wood chuck could if a wood chuck could chuck wood
• A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood (assuming opposable thumbs of course)
• 17
• Just enough to fill JustinBieber's cavernous skull
• 4
• 27
• 5
• 9
• 420
• Grin-08.
• 1 purge???
• I once knew a Chuck, wasn't very good a chucking wood - Basketballs however...
• None
• #Error

Thank you for all your fantastic contributions we love you all, yes even you Kaya when you steal our stuff.

The next survey will be for Jono or Scousepole, whoever it was who feels there are not enough hubcaps.

In the meantime, in all seriousness, the one suggestion that intrigued us was the request for a tyranny index for each individual city.  Our technical boffins in the MG-PPR Boffin Repository have come up with this:

Individual City Tyranny

You can do your own city or the others.  Give your opinion and we'll tell you what you think.

Preposterous, doesn't anyone in America these days know basic mathematics? Your average woodchuck can make a lair consisting of around 3 chambers plus tunnels in a single day. Now, they aren't normally known for their wood throwing prowess, particularly because they happen to be small burrowing rodents, just like SpikeS, however if they were so inclined to throw wood into the air with gay abandon, just like Spikes, then it is reasonable to assume that they would do so with the vigour and vim that they set about creating their burrow. Checking a copy of the Encylopedia Brittanica that I purchased from a Door to Door salesman for the princely sum of $3 per month for the next 742 years, we see that the average Woodchuck burrow is approximately 35 cubic feet in size. Checking the same repository of earthly knowledge, we find that on average soil weighs around 76lbs per cubic foot if its dry and loose. Top Soil weighs around 96lbs per cubic foot. I will go with middle ground here because the soil isn't going to be dry when initially burrowed, neither will it all be top soil unless the Woodchuck wishes to be dinner to a whole host of predators, just like SpikeS. That gives us on average 3010lbs, which I shall round down to 3000 for simplicity. So a wood chuck if it were so inclined could chuck 3000lbs of wood in any given day, as long as the wood were already chopped up into handy wood chuck size pieces, which is certainly more work than SpikeS does on a given day.

But there is more. If we check the entry for Woodchuck in the Font of Wisdom that is the E.B. we find that Wood Chucks live between 9 and 14 years on average. If we were to assume that the woodchuck lived an average of 11 years and 6 months and worked a standard 5 day week, with an additional 10 days off per year for unpaid sickness and holidays, and didn't start work until it was sexually mature, at 1 yr and six months, then it could chuck 3000lbs per day for a total of 2500 days for a grand total of 7.5 million pounds, or about 3750 US tons. So the question is, why aren't we employing woodchucks to chuck our wood?

Anyway, as enjoyable as your opinion poll is to read, you really need to ask more financial based questions. No one cares who has the biggest johnston (its not SpikeS) or whether this is a golden age of peace, they care about profit and how to make it. After all, the 34th rule of acquisition is War is good for business, whilst the 35th is Peace is good for business, and a wise man can hear profit in the wind.

Woodchucks are lying about being chipmunks and thus pointless.

Milk belongs in a babies mouth, nowhere else.

Well Zek, I think fiscal matters can be dealt with in the next edition. There is a request for more hubcaps. This is the de facto currency of the Principality of Scouselandshire I believe, therefore that should hopefully satisfy any financial related questions you have. 

Failing that we can dream up some hard hitting nonsense that gets to the core of the key issues:

Where does the money in the bank end up when someone dies?  Does that greedy mayor get that too?

How much is reasonable for a bit on the greedy mayor given our esteemed leaders can be hitlisted for millions and billions?

Thank you Ron_Swanson, I knew we could rely on you to provide clear guidance on these matters. 

If you would be interested, we could provide excerpts of your Pyramid of Greatness within our upcoming editions of the Pew Pew Report to keep the populace on the straight and narrow.  

Thank you MG-PPR

I feel all could benefit from that wisdom.

would you care for a steak and a whisky?

You had us at steak Ron_Swanson. 

A turf and turf would be ideal and a Lagavulin. 

You are correct.

no more words necessary.

Absolutely flabbergasted, Kaya pulled up the chair she stole from the MG-PPR office and sat down across the typewriter which -- you guessed it -- she, of course, also stole from the literary giant's office. She was absolutely livid upon reading the new pew pew report, which she grabbed fresh off the press when she was on her way out along with the chair and typewriter. After she took a bite down on the sandwich which she bought using the money she stumbled upon inside a safe in the MG-PPR office, she started typing down an angry letter to the editor as she would not stand idly by as this libellous publication besmirched the good Kaya name.

"Dear Mister Pewpew,

I am appalled at your recent publication which mentions me and my alleged "stealing". First of all, I prefer calling it prolonged borrowing as I will be returning it one day in the next fifty years, maybe. Secondly, it's not my fault your security is easy to bypass... and that I have a penchant for breaking down doors with an axe.

Either way, I still commend you for yet another successful and entertaining edition... and I'll see you in about two or three days for some more stealing prolonged borrowing.

- Kaya"

Here are the outputs of the Individual City Tyranny Indices.

These figures are taken pre and post Major Tyrant Removal Operations and the subsequent clusterfuck that has since occurred so the Chicago figures do not represent or reflect Cromwell's leadership of Chicago.

We at MG-PPR thank you all for your input in all our activities as we wind down our operations.

I, for one, will miss these statistically pungent reviews of our lives.

take care fine sir.

As always a real pleasure to read this thread and truly sad whn seeing our great MG-PPR decided to take a break and were many that hopefully will see him back and let us have fun with those great operatns he give us to read about.