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Note from the Editor
Delay of this issue was due to an unfortunate incident in which a mobster was found mutilated inside of our printing press, and as such, a resolve took longer than initially estimated. However, the printing press is back up, and we are happy to provide Issue III, along with yet another unmarked grave outside of our building.
-- Solastalgia
Expendable Expended After Expense Department in New Orleans Finds Objectionable Expenditures
The body of Expendable along with his dead entourage were found dead, hanging from a Saint Louis bridge earlier this week in what could only be described as an ideological difference in "excessive expenditures".
After a thoroughly exhausting attempt on the part of the ever-verbose Godfather RoRoG to explain the events that unfolded in a speech that was easily several hours long (a translation of which can be found here ((WARNING: Due to the outstanding length in explaining the enormously complicated reasoning behind his decision, this is not for the faint of hearted.)) the criminal community is still divided over whether or not this was part of a conspiracy of epic proportions - or if they actually care.
Reports circulate that the disagreement started when the accounting firm, owned by The Shadows, which was hired by The Rustlers discovered gross expenditures which included, amongst other things, research and development contracts to assemble blow up dolls, the end-all cure of OOCitis, an incurable disease affecting those of lesser intellect, and suicide-beaver bombers disguised as the Canadian Mounted Police. Several phone calls later - and after the discovery that The Rustlers had buried themselves in tens of millions of dollars in debt leveraged against The Shadows over a failed attempt to break the sound barrier with a miggle enhancer - along with a failed venture that involved male brothels that featured predominantly overweight men, the top level structure of the family was found dead, and their headquarters razed to the ground from several bombs detonated around the structure.
With no reports of new management moving into Saint Louis, the city has recently been overtaken by a pack of Moroccan pretzel vendors, who have imposed Sharia law in the city's limits.
New Organization Begins Rebuilding Las Vegas, Will Likely Never Match the Richard_Kuklinski Empire
In the heart of Las Vegas, construction workers are working overtime to complete reconstruction of several key buildings that are vital to Las Vegas's economy - and with it, marks what is likely yet another attempt to mimic the immense glory that was achieved under the reign of Richard_Kuklinski.
Widely known amongst the eight cities as one of the most fabled and legendary leaders of Las Vegas and organized crime as a whole, Kuklinski presided over what was the most powerful organization in the history of the Mafia, possessing almost complete control of the other seven cities, which were considered merely puppet states for the powerhouse that was Las Vegas. At one point, his wealth and reach was so immense that he was even able to conceal the amount of members he had in his own headquarters through incredibly lucrative bribes - explaining the almost pitiful amount of members that were reported to have been attained by the organization, along with a casino that was the perceived laughing stock of the eight cities, really a front business for the much more lucrative drug business that was being held in secret there.
But at the heart of his organization, obsessions and grabs to control just a piece of his vast swaths of power were to be the beginning of the end for his organization.
TheKing, the first of two captains to serve Las Vegas, seeing an opportunity to seize control of the Kuklinski Empire, decided to take it upon himself to bomb the lifeless casino that was owned by the Costello Connection Canoli Vegas, (a crude translation of Kuklinski's family name, now so obscure that we have but burned paper scraps to fill in the blanks, which include his organization name) causing casualties to noone aside from the maintenance worker, Hector.
Sadly, in the hopes that the bomb would detonate while Kuklinski was inside, this was not the case, and TheKing was promptly kidnapped by several associates and found hanging upside-down with a pitchfork in one orifice and an apple in the other. Taking this loss in stride, in his infinite wisdom he decided to call up the traitor's right-hand man, RJFuller, who, while exhibiting more caution than TheKing, attempted to arrange a coup on the palace of Kuklinski several months into his tenure, only to be struck down by a well placed crossbow bolt from one of the tower guards.
With these two losses, on top of the guilt he felt for influencing Kerrrupt to take his own life, Richard began a slow decline in his physical and mental health, passing on his day to day activities. On a rainy day in July, his life was taken when he slipped on a flight of stairs to his male brothel, snapping his neck and falling on a large, sharp tree branch, instantly impaling him. The degradation of his remaining kingdom was slow and painful, eventually culminating in the inevitable self-collapse of the city that was once known far and wide as the largest criminal empire that had ever existed. And while there hasn't been a true Las Vegas leader since him, we can only hope that Gaius will reach even one iota of greatness that Kuklinski was able to reach in his long, prosperous life, despite betrayals, delusions of grandeur and lack of casino visitors.
Giant Stockpile of Unopened Witness Statement Request Letters Located, Is Promptly Burned
The discovery of one of the largest unknown landfills in American history was discovered in the backwoods of Los Angeles earlier this week, in what reporters are calling one of the greatest environmental catastrophes of the 20th century.
Hundreds of thousands of unopened letters pertaining to witness statement requests by various organized crime bosses were discovered, some dating back to at least thirty years, prompting the universal reaction of next to nobody actually caring. From gangsters that nobody aside from the crewleader knew to Wise Guys who were shot after a botched pickpocket attempt, the discovery revealed what speculators had long theorized: That little, if anyone, actually cared about a dead associate in another city.
"It's pretty much a case of no one aside from the crewleader actually giving a shit, while unknowingly undermining and invalidating the entire role and point of a witness statement collector's job." said landfill owner Lames Jipton, pushing several thousand more unopened letters into the burning landfill with a tractor. His comments were unfortunately cut short, as he was briefly interrupted by being witness to a no-name gangster being shot twice in the forehead.
With the landfill comes several lingering questions about the overall apathy as well as the now emerging question - will crewleaders actually let their witness statement collectors do their job, and let the course run its normal process? The answer is likely negative, but as an environmentalist, Jipton can only hope.
Forecasters are now worried that the burning fire may spread to other parts of Los Angeles, further destroying an already desolated city that was recently demolished over pizza elitism.
Mobster Driven to Death After Realization That Name Was An Elaborate Joke From Parents
The body of TonySaprano was found dead in an apparent case of a joke that literally cost him his life.
In an attempt to parody the identity of one of the more fabled mobsters of this world, Tony Soprano, TonySaprano was the butt of many jokes after colleagues realized that his sad imitation of a name also provoked the use of the nickname "Tony Sap", causing immense emotional grief and pain, which may have been the cause of his eventual mental - and physical - decline.
"It's a sad day for the family, but he really should have just taken a joke." said the elusive Soprano, who claimed he was calling from the future, in between giving meaningful looks to his kin.
"Eh, the kid had it coming, though. If he didn't die by his own hand, he would have probably just been shot at a diner while he was having dinner with his family instead, and noone would have known what happened." he added.
With his funeral already being held, speculation is swirling over whether or not his illegitimate son, Richard Walnuts, will step in to follow his footsteps in pursuing a life of crime.
While time traveling fictional or real mobsters are nothing new to this world, which include the likes of Tony_Montana, Sammy_Gravano, Silvio_Dante, Pablo_Escobar, JohnGotti or one of the many Corleone relatives, legislation has been proposed to prevent the use of members associating a number with their name, which some have called as being too much like an episode of Battlestar Galactica or a similar space fantasy.
New York to Begin Offering Cruise Trips to Ambitious Mobsters Who Ask About Promotions
Starting in May, criminal leaders of any faction in the United States will be able to recommend their members for special vacations in New York, which are catered to the ambitious, daring and constant "is my promo up yet lol" individuals of this society.
For the low price of $199,999.99, members will be sent to an exotic cruise that will have them visit the Bermuda triangle, where they'll have so much fun that they'll likely never be heard from again, according to the company's CEO, Creed Bratton.
"These are for really ambitious people who know how to push the right buttons to set their leaders in motion. For those people, they might want to send them on a special trip to show just how much they appreciate their service, in the form of offering them an incredibly violent way out of the business."
Some of the attractions on the cruise include guillotine lingo, fire eaters, arsenic-tipped sword swallowing, and of course, the always popular firing squad. Guests are treated to a week of fun on the open waters, and eventually, complete their tour by being treated to an eternity in the open waters.
The cruise line is also happy to announce the hiring of Vasili Blokhin, known in Russia as one of the more famous travel agents in the country, as well as bringing extraordinary security to the cruise ship to protect passengers. With several dozen briefcases filled with Walther pistols being located in the storage room of the ship, the announcement was highly praised by most members of the criminal community, who look forward to using the service. The cruise line will also start offering trips aimed towards the member-whoring type, beginning in June.
Final Notes from the Editor
This work is presented to you as (mostly) fiction. Only a fool would take all content at face value.
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