CELTICS FEELING THE HEAT – BENCH FAILS TO IMPRESS

The closing seconds of a tight contest summed this most recent post season defeat in a nutshell.

“PICK AND ROLL COGNITO! IT’S NOT PICK, ROLL, AND FLICK!”

The words of coach Cromwell bellowed out across the court as the fantastic Chicago Boston Celtics fell to another unlucky defeat.  Cromwell was standing watching as the perennial bench-warmer Cognito had just compressed a nasal mucus extraction and propelled it onto the back of the shitty Miami opposition.  He had been asked to create a screen to give Romulus, the only legit superstar on the floor, room to take the game winning shot.  Cognito was more interested in removing the blockage and Romulus had found himself swamped…game over.

Cromwell stomped around the bench berating the team while the Miami idiots celebrated their fortuitous win.  Ron_Swanson sat stroking his moustache.

“Your haircuts need to be more business-like team.  Crew cut, buzz cut or high and tight.”

Pablo Ryman ran his fingers through his wavy locks.

“No way Ron.  This is my government sanctioned hair style.  It’ll take an act of Congress to update this.”

Ron sighed, his hatred of long hair was matched only by the amount he despised government regulations.  Pablo Ryman looked over at Cognito.

“It’s not hairstyle issues that did it, the hair didn’t stop Cognito.  I mean, I don’t want to cast blame anywhere but nose picking at that point was not part of the game plan?  I’m not being funny coach, but that was where Grin-DD would have been perfect.  Don’t understand why you let him go to be honest.”

There had been some high profile departures from the Celtics in recent times that Pablo Ryman had wondered about; the loss of Cinnamon had been on the cards for a while.  Acquiring him after the New York shake-up in order to get Ron_Swanson had been good business and Cromwell had done a great job moving him on.  Cinna-Jonah-mon had been in several franchises over the course of his short career and never really made it stick in any of them.  None of them had reached the playoffs, which at this level was the minimum expectation.

His transfer to the new Chicago outfit was greeted with a sigh of relief in some quarters of the fervent Celtics fans but the fear was it might leave a slightly lopsided look to the squad with so many changes in such a short period of time.  The loss of Cinnamon and Grin was what led to Cognito’s appearance on the floor; normally looking after the towels, this had been a baptism of fire.

The questions remain, will the Chicago Boston Celtics be able to pick themselves up from this defeat?  Can coach Cromwell handle the high expectations of the Celtic fanbase?  Will coach Cromwell shake up the line-up with the recent slew of new recruits?

The normally vocal coach Cromwell had thus far been unavailable for comment.

Chicago Speaker Head Sports Writer

Milton Keynes

SOUTH SIDE MOVEMENT - NO LONGER THE BOWELS OF CHICAGO

LogenNineFingers brings his new squad into Chicago as the franchise relocates from Bella Vista.  Sources within the camp say that he insists he be known as Killer.   These same sources claim that LogenNineFingers is still looking to recruit people into Bella Vista.  Is he looking to have a development squad working out of the less competitive Philly market?  Or have his front office administration team let him down?

KillerNineFingers has a good team around him aided by his assistant coach Dawn_.  When Dawn_ isn’t working them on their triangle offence she is trying to muscle in on Ryman Pablo’s Colombian trade routes – the rumours flying out of Chicago is that while publicly they both say that there is room for more than one, privately negotiations may be going on to remove duplication.

The Chicago Speaker wishes Killer good fortune and hope that he has as much luck with the Windy City ladies as he did in the city of brotherly love.

Chicago Speaker Assistant Head Sports Writer

Chumley Brogues

Ron, expressionless, strokes his manlier than manly moustache

Coach, I think we will have to agree to disagree on haircuts, but what I have done is prepare this memo to help inspire the boys in the next, must win game.

Ryman_Branson opens the memo and reads a single line

'Be a man'

Ron lights a cigar and pours a glass of whiskey whilst preparing the mother of all lines of cocaine for the coach.

Coach Cromwell, on the phone with Milton Keynes, head sports writer of The Chicago Speaker:

"Listen, Milton, I know it's been tough lately. We've dropped a few key games. But it ain't over. I've got wind of this guy. A ringer. Scouts spotted him in the far East. No, Keynes, further than Boston. Said, 'Coach, you've gotta see this guy. It's like he's covered in baby oil. They can't get their hands around him. They don't know what to do with him'. I said, 'God damnit, bring him over! Let me take a good god damn look at him!'. 

JackieChan, they call him. A firecracker. Quick as lightning. 

I think he's the guy who's going to get us out of this rut. We're turning a new page. The Chicago Boston Celtics are going to be so big even FreddyFastFingers will have heard of us, and that nerd doesn't even know what basketball is. 

Our vets, Sync and Romulus, are preparing the men hard for our next game. Druglord, Ron_Swanson, and Cashman are strong options in the rotation. I saw tiinyschnezzelpecker, Ryman_Branson and Cognito throwing chest passes at each other like freakin' howitzer's the other day at practice. They all left the floor indented. Mercy_Fiorentino was throwing dunks on these guys like Zeus casting lightning down from Olympus.

I've never seen a basketball team this ready to go."

Don LogenNineFingers, @Keasey and Dawn knew that relocating from Philly to Chicago to Cromwell ‘s  and The Chicago Boston Celtics world was going to be a challenge.   They summoned  @Uncle-Fester, shoredkafka  and  Ennio_Morricone  to the new Bounty Law Headquarter s’ to plan some type of strategy.

As they talked unfortunately none had a lot of expertise in basketball.  A few had attempted to play in high school or college but nothing near the professionalism of the Celtics. Dawn assured them that everything was going to be alright.  Don LogenNineFingers decided if necessary he would hire some professional basketball coaches to work with them and try to form some type to team. If the team spirit didn’t work that well, maybe they could just induct our best players into the Celtics but we would give it a shot.

Dawn had never personally met Ryman_Branson but was aware and happy about his Colombian operation. She appreciated anyone helping the economy of a country she loved.  When she heard through the grapevine that private negotiations may be going on to remove duplication she wasn’t worried at the least. In fact it made her laugh a little.   Several Colombian government officials had contacted her about The Colombian Cartel Import/Export Centre.  They were concerned about such a Cartel.  Their impression it was an association of suppliers with the sole purpose of maintaining prices at a high level and restricting competition. Word that Ryman_Branson wasn’t quite the business man that Dawn advocated would be very detrimental to his operation.  

All in the entire move to Chicago was a pleasant one for Dawn.  She had no doubt they would become an asset to the organization in Chicago and looked forward to having an admirable relationship with Ryman_Branson.

After a few days drowning his sorrows about the lack of performance he had brought to the team. Cognito had conceded he may not be the basket ball player he thought he would be. 

But the one thing upset him the most, was that his patented pick, roll and flick was being blamed... he could fire a booger with precision over three court lengths... there was no-way that was his downfall - He knew LeBron had been trying to peel one of his shots off for just long enough that Ron_Swanson had been able to get a swish from the base-line.

Seething at Milton Keynes Cognito decided to retire back to the HQ to practice his jump shot. 

Ron goes back to HQ to help Cognito get his technique back

ahhh I see the problem friend, you're trying to squeeze your balls into too tight a hoop!