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Note from the Editor
After some incredible vodka filled, cocaine-fueled nights and criminal prosecutions relating to the missing body of a Spanish national (later acquitted) on the shores of Ibiza, the staff of the Long Island Enquirer are happy to be back in New York, content with our micro-sized apartments and our affinity for attending art shows in nothing but black to hunt for, and attract, avant-garde tail. While the success of that particular venture has been questionable for some of our writers due to the recalcitrant attitude of "complicated" and "misunderstood" hipsters, we are nonetheless happy to be back at work, reporting the happenings of the Eight Cities.
-- Solastalgia
Pervert on the Run After Attempted Sexual Encounter Turns Deadly
A would-be sexual offender is on the run and wounded after what police are calling one of the most brazen attempts at assault that police have compared to the brazen attempts of Warren G. Harding in his efforts to gut the English language with his nonsensical speeches.
Police report that a middle-aged man whose name has not been released to the public attempted to sexually assault a senior citizen by attempting to slide his hand deep into the man's pocket - taking a firm hold of his wallet - which was blocking the would-be predator from his sick, perverted treat.
"He just pulled the wallet out, a few bills slipped out - but he was too slow, and he didn't get the opportunity to take my innocence, so he just ran. I pulled out my Walther and shot him twice in the back. He limped all the way out of sight - I didn't really get a good shot on him. He'll be back, no doubt about it. "
Police had been on the prowl for the wounded predator, who had attempted several times to sexually assault several members of society - mostly between New York and Philadelphia area - which were all thwarted by the fact that the would-be victim's wallet, purse or handbag was in the way. In all instances, the items were removed in hopes that it would clear the way for limitless sexual gratification on the offender's part.
"He just slid his hand near my thigh - but my handbag was in the way, so he accidentally pulled the handbag off before getting it caught on him, so he just ran away with it." said Martha Boswell, one of the singers of the popular Boswell sisters.
"I'm just disgusted that he has a trophy from the entire experience - my diamond earrings were in there!"
Government Limits Zombie Earners in New Immigration & Human Dead Rights Law
Earlier this week, the government revealed new regulations limiting the maximum purchase of the now ubiquitous cash zombies - soulless beings that serve no purpose other than to line the pockets of families who are unable to lure unsuspecting victims into their own money pit - sparking outcry from deadbeat organizations and praise from human rights groups.
"It's refreshing to know that the guy I just buried the other day won't be out on my front lawn trying to sell me car insurance the day after." said local Detroit gravedigger Hete Pornberger, scooping a shovel full of dirt on a corpse several feet under. "I mean, it's awkward enough as it is. See this watch? You don't think I actually bought this, did you?"
A source of contention among groups is the costly removal of their bodies - which spontaneously explode upon their thirty first day of life, resulting in potential trauma and expensive cleaning treatments - which has led to some zombies being lured into a special box specifically designed to remove their pathetic, useless coffer lining existence, mess-free.
"You just put them in the metal box, seal it, press the button, and it destroys them in seconds, turning them into a pasty mayonnaise-like substance." said Ham Sobbs, inventor of the Slaystation and owner of Porky's Pizza Palace, well known for their secret signature white-sauced pizza.
At times, the zombies have even outnumbered the amount of actual living beings seen on the street, giving rise to concerns that the world we live in is slowly being engulfed in a zombie invasion, with the Moroccan pretzel vendors who recently took over Saint Louis fleeing to their homelands to quote "go back to the old days". All six pretzel vendors are now on trial in their country for treason, a sentence that carries the punishment of decapitation with a blunt wooden sword.
Tensions Flare After $81,000,000 Blown On Hitlist
Over the past few weeks, the Long Island Enquirer reports that over eighty one million dollars of cash has been spent on enormously high priced hits, prompting some in the Long Island Enquirer organization to balk that the money wasn't put to better use funding this Godforsaken paper.
"It's pretty pathetic that someone who didn't have the balls or the gun to shoot the targets themselves put all that money into such a worthless endeavor when they could have just donated it to our Save the Cocaine foundation, or our paper." said one of our alcoholic editors, who spoke on condition of anonymity and two fingers of scotch.
"Instead, they put it in a bottomless money pit hoping that someone else will do their job for them."
Critics have called the hits the third largest waste of money ever recorded, behind buying tickets in the lottery and investing in PizzaTheHut's inevitable debt ridden bodyguard fund.
"IT'S CASH, IN THE TRASH." said Hit Agency Manager (HAM) Milly Bays, dumping several thousand dollars into his trash bin. Sitting at his chair with several briefcases filled with cash, dressed in nothing but a Hawaiian shirt, sandals and short-shorts, Milly was less than ecstatic to be at his office.
"I'm not used to working. I come here once a month, and I'm out of here - I don't actually expect a workload. But every once in a while, some asshole who can't do the job himself decides to send some grandiose message by blowing a bunch of money that, quite honestly, could go towards my wife's plastic surgery costs. Implants aren't cheap, you know. So, I have to sit here, with this pile of cash, until they either kick the bucket or someone decides to pony up enough cash that could probably fund the next World War."
With the hits remaining over the past few days, it seems like Milly Bays will be trapped in his office - whether he likes it or not.
Obituaries
We're pleased to bring you the new obituaries section of the Long Island Enquirer - where we announce some of the juiciest deaths that grace the eight cities. If you don't find it in an article, you'll find it here!
Kurtz
The well respected member of Las Vegas was taken early, as the new building he was given to run his own criminal empire shortly collapsed on him hours later, trapping him and his several-hundred bodyguard posse. The criminal community was eager to help the clean up, by promptly ridding the entire area of any trace of him or his bodyguards within a few short hours. To a life taken far too early - Rest in Peace, lad.
Paura
This champion of the soapbox happened to be at the scene of Kurtz demise, and was all too eager to display his sarcasm in front of several dead bodyguard slaughterers clean-up crew members. With several dozen guns at the ready, Paura was immediately executed by thirty seven shots fired simultaneously at his head, instantly decapitating him. Unfortunately, we can't say he had a very good head on his shoulders. Rest in Peace - or piece, whichever way you'd like.
Foxxy
The renegade who decided to pull a fast one on Drexler met her demise after the legion of bodyguards that flooded Los Angeles from Chicago in preparation for an attack triggered a massive earthquake, rocking the building to its demise - along with her and her entire organization, leaving the city once again desolate of any criminal activity. With Los Angeles eagerly awaiting the arrival of one out of the many ubiquitous crewleaders to take over its reins in their hopes to battle a nameless Godfather in front of hundreds of spectators - à la None - one can hope the City of Angels will be back in business again. Rest in Peace!
TylerDurden
Ah, Tyler. This comes as no surprise. The product of either braggarts, serial killers, a crewleader still trying to stay relevant or the product of severely isolated individuals who attempt to prove their worth to their boss who may or may not see them as just a pretty number on a spreadsheet, the leader from Delaware City was discovered in a garbage dumpster with several bullet holes riddling his corpse. Police report that the body mysteriously vanished during transport - leading to queries on whether or not he actually died. Rest in Peace?
Randy_Savage
Not exactly an obituary as more of a departure. Randy_Savage, known far and wide throughout the land for his outlandish costumes, sunglasses, physique and a vocal range that strongly suggested he consumed glass on a daily basis, has retired. Sources claim that his desire for a more tranquil life on the beachside finally got the best of him, and that his life partner, known only as Slim Jim, proposed to him in the beginning of May. With the ceremony expected to be private, I wouldn't count on an invite. Enjoy your retirement, Randy. Make sure not to party too hard - you might just have a heart attack!
More Notes from the Editor
To conclude this issue, the Long Island Enquirer has received a letter that an anonymous sender wished to publish. After negotiating a handsome fee, the terms were accepted. Although unusual, The Long Island Enquirer encourages all submissions - however racy.
Retirees: You Are a Disgrace
Quitters. Absolute quitters. All of you! You decided that instead of letting JimmyElitist shoot you, you wanted to fall on your own pathetic sword. And to the ones that send farewell letters after relinquishing all of their assets to their family? You're an even bigger disgrace for deciding to die by your own hand. Do you call JimmyElitist to organize one of his shot hawks to victoriously swoop in for the kill so they can gloriously display it for that shining moment in their shitty backroom coffee shop whose only use is to display each patron's trophies?
No. You pathetically rob that member of his brief moment in the sun by taking it upon yourself to end your life. Surely, you must know that your free will stops as soon as you accept your invite into your perfect, flawless family, which would never, ever treat the organization like a glorified cash cow to be used on a select group of people. Hogwash! Nevermind the countless amounts of money you brought to your organization or the months or years of hard work and loyalty - or the fact that you didn't decide to go down swinging by shooting your arch nemesis. You've undone the entire fabric of organized crime with your mean-spirited, kill-robbing decision by deciding to end your own life. Do you really think you deserve the luxury of ending your own life, on your terms? Don't be ridiculous.
For all of the hard work you've put in to your outstanding family, this one moment of weakness by seeing to your own death has turned your bloodline into a pathetic, helpless worm that should never have their bloodline set sights on these shores ever again. If they do, we'll be waiting for them. Moral high ground, bitterness and vitriol in high supply.
Sincerely
Your Loving Anonymous
Final Notes from the Editor
This work is presented to you as (mostly) fiction and jest. Only a fool would take all content at face value.
Continuing the tradition the Priscilla Press set, if you're a fan of the Long Island Enquirer, consider contributing to Solastalgia's Cocaine Fund. For just the price of a cup of cocaine a day, you'll be ensuring that you receive cutting edge reporting, content and hours on end of entertainment for the head writer.
Current Funds Raised: $674,500 (This paid for our legal fees in Ibiza - we sincerely thank all of our contributors for supporting our content, and likely keeping us out of a death sentence.)
Want to submit an article, promote a business or advertise? Contact the editor for details discussing your content.
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