The topic of leadership, crewleader street presence, and member whoring have been hot topics in This Thing of Ours as of late so I stand before you now in hopes of briefly addressing these issues collectively. I for one have never been comfortable with greeting new mobsters fresh off the boat, as I find it to be undignified. It would probably benefit me to come out here more often, mount a soapbox, and explain to these aspiring Mafioso why they should pursue a career in my organization, but it would come off as arrogant and conceited. Those are traits of mine I choose to keep closeted, so I guess you can all see my dilemna.

So I've settled on a different strategy. My members have been ordered under threat of death to come out here and explain to you all how great I am and why you should all flock to my HQ and beg for an invitation to work for my cartel. I assure you all their words will be genuine despite any demands, coaching, or threats I may or may not have passed down to them prior to their responding.

Heed their words. They speak the truth

Alabama pulls up a chair to sit and listen to the tales of why SexyBeast is so great to work for

Because the cheese is fine. Plus, the elephant cannot put the umbrella through its ears. IT CAN'T!

<em>Klasky wonders how long it will take for the boat dwellers to find Sexy Beast's members to hear of such greatness, and believe's they will be 'whored' by then anyway</em>

Cool move, I wish you had started this a few days back, Alabama touches me and makes me feel uncomfortable you see.

Nudges that stupid em person out the way

Get out of my thoughts damn you

Watches in horror as the men in white coats take him away

It was a normal day in Casa Beast. PizzaTheHut had bags under his eyes, his hair/pizza crust was dishevelled and he had the same clothes on as the day before, a rather fetching summer frock. He was doing his usual walk of shame from SexyBeast's office and the self loathing radiated from him like failure from CorneliusWilson. Chuckle watched him slinking away like John Wayne, grimacing with every step and shook his head. What some people would do to keep the better man from the RHM position.

Chuckle knocked tentatively on the door. A snivelling whine came from within, which he had come to realise was SexyBeast's best attempt at being authoritative. Stifling a grin, Chuckle wandered inside and seated himself opposite SexyBeast. He knew from experience that SexyBeast spent the first 30 seconds of any conversation imagining himself being handcuffed, bollock naked and viciously kicked in the nuts by the other person.

"Oh yea. Right in the cans. That's it. mmmmmmmm." Chuckle waited patiently while SexyBeast muttered to himself, his hand disappearing beneath the desk into the cycling shorts he never removed.

"So...Boss..." Chuckle tried and failed to keep the contempt out of his voice. "I was thinking you should probably get out in the Streets, you know. Act...like a leader?"

"Me? A leader? Hm." SexyBeast stroked his chin in an attempt to look intelligent. He looked instead like a paedophile eying up his next flock of schoolchildren for abduction. After several minutes, he furrowed his brow. "Could you kick me in the stones Chuckle? I need to think. I do all my best thinking when my cock is in a vice or my balls are getting mashed. Help your man out?"

With a sigh, Chuckle took a few steps back towards the door. SexyBeast slipped out of his chair and stood with his legs ajar, massaging the small bulge in his fluorescent yellow cycling shorts as he did. Chuckle ran forwards and hoofed SexyBeast as hard as he could between his legs, lifting him off the ground. There was a momentary look of pure ecstasy on the Don's face as he sailed through the air, before he crumpled to the floor in a heap. He whimpered quietly, sobbing to himself - whether in delight or disgust, it wasn't clear. Finally, he started to croak something.

"Ooooooo. That. Was. Delicious." He pushed himself up onto his knees. "Right, I can't go out onto the streets. I need to fuck a horse."

Chuckle put his head in his hands. "SexyBeast", a self designated moniker, was well known for his bizarre fetishes but this was getting out of hand. They had already had to beat up the stable hand to prevent word getting out about the Don's nightly activities, with Daisy the cow.

"So what do you want me to do?" Chuckle was such a loyal member; he'd do whatever was necessary. He was fast filling the shoes of the late, great, ThomasHarrow.

"Go out there and tell everyone why they should join us..." SexyBeast was back on his feet, his left hand was squeezing his nuts a little too tightly and his right was pinching his nipple. "I need more members in case Old Bill's Farm sue us." He gritted his teeth. "Now, get me that horse. I heard Pebbles has just had new hooves put on. A freshly shod stallion gets my blood up."

Chuckle closed the door behind him and left the now furiously masturbating Don to his business. It was his duty to cover for these perverted sacks of shit and keep the Syndicate running. He went back to his office and penned a note. It read:

Why join SexyBeast?

The man is a future great. He has the intelligence to rival even the most intelligent livestock. He once had a fight with a gazelle that ended in a stalemate. He once ate his own body weight in cheese. He once said the whole alphabet. In one go.

You shouldn't ask why join SexyBeast? You should question why you haven't joined already.

There are no reasons not to join him. Well, I suppose if you have any ambition, dignity or sense you wouldn't, but anyone else is a shoo-in for a crew position. Just ask our hitlist watcher, Augustus.

~C~

With the note finished, he summoned his squire boy. He was a snivelling buffoon with a lazy eye and learning difficulties, a tragic result of his mother/sister's inbreeding.

"Marionette, I want you to get into the Streets and read this out. Try not to embarrass us."

"phWES BOwSS!!!!!!!!!!!" Marionette spluttered.

He limped towards Chuckle's desk, he'd tried to chew off his calf several months before and the leg was never the same since. He stretched out a 6 fingered hand and tucked the note into the pocket on his romper suit. Chuckle hoped he would make it to the streets, but suspected he would eat the note instead. He heard a 1932 Station Wagon speeding away and wondered afresh why he hadn't shot himself.

Tropiano walks up to the soapbox and begins speaking.

"Not only is SexyBeast's crew the BEST crew out there, they are also the sexiest. You see, since I joined this crew, you cannot even go out on the street without women and in some cases even men flocking to me and the rest of our crew. Putting this in simple terms, We are sexy bitches. And any who join us become instant sexy bitches as well. I could stand up here and explain how we all became so sexy but NONE of us have that kind of time. But I want you all to remember, the kids wanna be like us, the women wanna be with us, and everyone else......they just wish they were us."

Tropiano lights a cigar, tips his hat and walks away.

Well shit.

I had planned on coming out here to make a few slightly veiled masturbation references, further prop up Augusutus as the next mafia legend, and gush all about my admiration of the illustrious PizzaTheHut. It seems like old Chuckle beat me to it, though, so I'll just read his message and try to to fuck things up too badly and further disappoint the family.

Marionette reads Chuckle' message, fucking it up multiple times along the way, thanks to his novice puppetmaster Augustus (who could only focus on the bulge he saw in SexyBeast's shorts earlier that day)

Upon joining us, you're also entitled to a free pastry of your choosing, courtesy of The Sweet Life Bakery.

So what are you waiting for? Hurry up and join the most sexually deviant syndicate currently roaming the streets of the underworld! Call now, Augustus is standing by (completely nude, masturbating in his father's woodshed)!

I for one would like to forwarn anyone thinking about joining SexyBeast's crew.   We've all heard the term member whoring, and too most it simply is the act of going out and offerig a place in one's family with little or no effort being made to the prospective member.   SexyBeast, however, defines it rather differently.

Now I hope all of you realize the courage it take for me to come up here and speak about such things, but to SexyBeast member whoring involves exactly that... whoring.   Countless days and nights I had to walk these streets offering up my delicious body to the mafioso walking by in hopes someone would throw me a nickel so that I would have something to show SexyBeast for my days work...  Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse his LHM started visiting me for a special service....

I hope you heed this tale of warning.  SexyBeast will not member whore you, but his members are certainly whores.  So unless your into that sort of thing...

Turtleneck doesn't even get a chance to finish his sentence as a crowd of people rush forward to become SexyBeast's newest whores

So what are you waiting for? Hurry up and join the most sexually deviant syndicate currently roaming the streets of the underworld! Call now, Augustus is standing by (completely nude, masturbating in his father's woodshed)!

Now now... thats a bold claim! You don't even have a cross dressing leader, unlike two of the other Chicago family heads.

Thank you Ms. Worley yet another raving endorsement for the SexyBeast crew. All man right here, all due respect to Alabama and Doubtfire

SexyBeast takes a seat next to AlabamaWorley to hear his crew members' words of praise

This was a bad idea

Fair point, Don Worley.

The sight of Sexybeast being kicked in the junk and Augustus nude has me in a bit of a boisterious mood.

I hope you can forgive me for my silly claim, which was driven soley by my hyperactive libido.

This, this right here, its the stuff that legends are built upon. Sexybeast, youve managed to put together prehaps the most uneducated, under producing group of window lickers anywhere. Being able to take a twit like Marionette out of the bins, away from the glory holes, that takes real talent. Youve even taught him how to almost complete a full sentence without drooling upon himself. Yes sir, SexyBeast, there is greatness in your future. I wish you luck my friend, with guys like Marionette and Chuckle in tow, you're going to need it!

Sexybeast is great to work for is you enjoy working under complete and utter incompetence. If you enjoy working for an unorganized pushover, Sexybeast is the boss you'd want to have. 

Brutus convinced me, I am all in!