Zerk was wondering the busy street on his jet pack when he noticed a soap box laying on the ground.  It looked used and broken.  Good thing Zerk only weighs 20lbs.  Zerk stepped on to the soap box as it creaked, threatening to break under him but Zerk had a story to tell so he pressed on while the box was cracking under him.  Zerk looked out into the people walking around in the streets.

Excuse Zerk for a moment everyone.  Can Zerk have your attention please?

The crowd started gather around Zerk as he began to speak.

Hello everyone!  In case you don't know who Zerk is let me introduce...Zerk....Zerk is Zerk...hm.  Anyway, Zerk just wanted to come out to the streets and tell you the story of Zerk.  What Zerk is and most importantly, how Zerk reproduces.

Zerk pauses for a moment to like a cigarette.  Zerk didn't smoke and this was the first time Zerk picked up a smoke but Zerk felt he needed to dramatic affect.

Well, Zerk says while lighting up.  It all started on Zerk's once beautiful planet called *O&(*&(&&(*.  *O&(*&(&&(* was as beautiful as planets can get, much like earth but purple and yellow instead of green and blue.  Zerk had a wife, kids, job, the whole bit.  But one day an army of enemy aliens called...how should Zerk say in you're language...The Mud Plugs came and started killing everything and everyone that lived on *O&(*&(&&(*.  

Zerk takes a long puff on his cigarette before continuing.

That was a long time ago when they came and destroyed my species.  Zerk barely got out alive.  There they were, surrounding Zerk like a bunch of tigers going after their prey.  Luckily Zerk is lightning fast and got away unharmed.  But if Zerk wasn't then Zerk could have taken them all on by himself!...

Zerk looks around at all the eyes rolling.

No really Zerk could!  You have got to believe me!...Fine whatever.  So anyway,  There Zerk was running for Zerk's life as fast as Zerk's skinny legs could carry him.  They were hot on his trail blasting their lasers at Zerk every chance they got, those furry feisty Mud Monkeys.  But Zerk ducked into a little canyon in a near by cliff and waited for them to pass.  Once they passed Zerk went up behind them as quite as a earthling ninja, stole one of the Mud Monkey's laser guns from their holster and shot them all in the back of the head.  Why the Mud Monkey had it's gun holstered Zerk will never know but Zerk is thankful.

Finally!!!! Zerk yells.

Zerk was free to roam around the planet for months trying to find any signs of life...there were non.  So Zerk put his spaceship into as you humans say "outer-space" mode and took off to find a new planet with life so that Zerk can pop his seed into a nice looking vessel.  After flying around the galaxy for a couple of years Zerk finally came across Earth.  It was bright blue with a nice green to it.  Zerk decided to look there after trying a number of other planets in the area...the sun...with no luck.  As Zerk was entering Earth's atmosphere Zerk's ship started shaking like the back of a garbage truck.  Zerk's engines failed and down Zerk fell out of the sky as fast as a hooker.  Lucky once again for Zerk, Zerk crash landed into a pillow factory and was safe but 8 employees of that factory did not survive.

Zerk puts out his cigarette with his foot.

So there Zerk was, roaming around the streets of Las Vegas, Chicago, Philadelphia and then finally New York (but that's another story) searching for that one vessel to carry Zerk's seed.  Long story short,  Zerk came across a tiger named Liliana in Philadelphia and they became great friends.  In-fact, Liliana came with Zerk to New York and got a little apartment on Mulberry St. above a store front.  That's where Zerk and Liliana fell in love and Zerk finally got a chance to plant Zerk's seed.  

You want to know how Zerk plants his seed do ya? Hahaha, well OK then.  First it's called boingo boingo where Zerk is from but anyway, Zerk told Liliana to open her mouth and clothes her eyes.  Then Zerk went to Zerk's own personal reel to reel and white drop down and watched a sad alien movie (How Stella Got Her Groove Back).  When Zerk started crying at the beginning of the movie Zerk ran back into the bedroom where Liliana was still sitting there with her mouth open and Zerk leaned over her mouth dropping Zerk eggs from Zerk's eyes into Liliana's mouth.  And now Zerk is happy to announce that IT'S A BOY!  Liliana has now been chosen as to serve as Zerk's vessel!  She is the perfect person for this task.  She is wise, smart and kind.  All the things a vessel needs to create Zerk's half tiger half alien spawn.  Zerk was thinking of naming him Zoink, what do you guys think?...

Zerk stepped off of the soap box and waited for names to be thrown at him with a smile across his face.

I recall the day I first met Zerk. I introduced myself as I would to any Friend of Ours and informed him I was a Don in the fine city of Chicago. Zerk in turn advised me that I was in the presense of a Godfather, hailing from the intergalactic crime capital of the universe *O&(*&(&&(*. I was impressed, and immediately humbled myself before him. All due respect to Mr. Zerk, but I became increasingly less impressed the more he spoke of his home galaxy and role there as the resident Crime Lord once I realized that he was the absolute last being on the entire planet. My awe of him dissapated. He reigned as Kingpin over no one. He was the last of an endangered alien species, alone on an empty rock. His petty crimes consisted of robbing deserted post offices and picking purses up off the streets, being that there were no elderly women of his ilk to snatch them from. Not even an alien schlub to con.

Be that as it may, I respect the rank he achieved on the desolate planet of *O&(*&(&&(* regardless of the fact he clearly assigned the title to himself as there were no competing Mafia factions of his kind to dispute him for the title. I'd like to be the first to congratulate Zerk on his proud journey into parenthood, and may your first alien tiger child, be a masculine alien tiger child. Salut.

Hogan just got out of the dressing room. Wearing his traditional red and yellow Hogan was ready to go on for another match. On his way there he saw an alien. Hogan thought he was going crazy so he immediately popped some vitamins in his mouth. Things got a little crazier when he saw a beast unlike any other beast, this beast was unbelievably sexy. Hogan was going crazy now. His eyes widened and then the oddest thing happened the little alien that weighed about twenty or so pounds began smoking! The hulkster was in just plain shock now. He took the cigaerette and handed the Zerk some vitamins and listened to The beast of sexiness speak. Then Hogan felt the need to say a few things.

Well you know something brother Zerk I just want to say dude that you are the first alien i have ever seen man! You know as the hulkster is running around town and sees all his fellow hulk-a-maniacs i have never seen a little zerk dude! Its a little bit crazy to me to see someone like you around town but i guess anythings possible man! Now i remember brother when you first stepped down into this world and i heard about you but i only thought you were a myth brother! Now the hulkster gets to behold you in his own eyes compadre and i gotta say dude you are one cute little creature man!

The hulkster walks over to sexybeast still flailing his arms in the air and randomly flexing as he continues to speak.

And just like sexybeast i want to affirm you on what i believed would be a quest you would never finish, finding your vessel dude! I never met liliana but if she found the zerk im sure its going to be one great tag team brother! Now i just want to say that i think man that Zoink is a great name brother so good luck dude to you and the lady and i hope your first child becomes a hulk-a-maniac brother!

The hulkster shakes the hand of Zerk and the the hand of Sexybeast and begins to walk away heading back to the fight he was supposed to be in still flexing as he walks away.