Once upon a time, a long time ago (only a few months, really), Love Gun hatched an evil plot to kill Mr. Pickles!  It’s true.  Every word.  As absurd as it may sound, this is a true story. 

It started with a litter of kittens (littre in England) that were born in Love Gun’s back yard.  She decided that, despite her mafiosa murderous tendencies, that she should find them a good home.  So, she bundled up the tiniest, cutest kitten, and brought it to Mr. Pickles.

”Absolutely not!” he declared!  “I will not own a little kitty.  It’s un-mobsterly.  What would my friends say?”

“What friends?” she asked.

“But, Premeir will laugh at me, and Dementor will tease me!”

“They’ll do no such thing,” she reassured.  “This kitten is one of God’s creatures and deserves love as much as any dog.”  Then, Love Gun used psychological warfare by making Pickles hold the tiny little kitten that could fit in his pocket.  And, that is how Pickles’ life was invaded by a four-footed beast.
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Time passed, and the kitten grew big and strong.  Then, one night, while Pickles was sleeping, he felt four paws walking on his chest.  He looked up to see the might swiftness of a kittens paw, claws shining in the moonlit night!  Down it came, nearly missing his throat by the tiniest of margins.  Suddenly, Pickles remembered that HE was the one with opposable thumbs, and deflected the second attack, cutting his hand on the razor sharp kitty claws!  He ran out of his house, and straight to Love Gun’s!

“She’s trying to kill me!” he yelled!  “That kitty is trying to catsassinate me!  Why???”

Love Gun just started to laugh.  “I see her training took hold, just not effective enough.  I’ll get you next time!”  And, she slammed the door in his face.

Now, Pickles sleeps with one eye open, always on the lookout for Love Gun’s catsassin.  Never knowing when the next attack will be, or even why.