Pablo Ryman had been very lucky.  His child acting career had taken him to all sorts of fantastic places outside Pensacola; Tallahassee, Jacksonville…even as far away as Montgomery in Alabama and Columbus in Georgia.  Not many people near him had traveled as extensively.  Then when the DEA came calling and took him to Medellin it had been like early man emerging from a cave…even if the new cave was more like a heavily defended fortress where he enjoyed unimaginable wealth earned off the back of those crazy gringos back home.  Armed with the perspective and entitled humility displayed by all wealthy narcotrafficantes Pablo Ryman sat in El Cartel thinking how he could give things back to those less fortunate than him.

The news on the radio had just finished and an advert for Legendary Reliable Airlines came over the air, when it hit him like a burro getting a sonda rectal.

"The Gory Planet Tourism Guides – Unfiltered Travel Advice By Those In Know"

Pablo Ryman stood on a hastily arranged stage flanked by six flags, one from each of the states of the six marvelous mafia cities.In the middle, a curtain covered board stood, making the gathered hordes all excited.

“Hola amigos.  Welcome to a new and exciting opportunity to influence business and tourist income into your fine cities.  My name is Pab...I mean...Ryman Orwell Branson, I’m a porpoise enthusiast from Florida.  You may have seen me from such great adverts as Fingal’s Irish Stout where I played the child sitting on the doorstep waiting for my father to come home from the pub or Tallahassee Trailer Inc…”

He pointed to someone whose face lit up

“… that’s right, the kid bouncing on the bed…”

He strained to listen

“… no it wasn’t a girl, long hair was fashionable back then.”

He sighed and refocused

“Anyway I’d like to address a gap in the market.  Yesterday I was contacted by someone from Los Angeles and I realised I knew little about any of the cities.  I’m from a small town in Florida and these cities are so intimidating.  I figured who better to tell me about the all the places I might go than the people themselves…the inhabitants, the business travelers and the people forced to travel for other reasons.”

He pulled down the curtain to reveal the words

GPTG - The first word in travel guides, after the Aardvark Guide to Africa

"Who wouldn't want to know what to expect when you turn up in the middle of the night in a city you've never been to?  What sweaty, hungry person straight off the boat wouldn't appreciate some hard hitting insightful guidance on the pleasures and pitfalls outwith the usual family advertising?"

"Welcome everyone to Pablo Ryman’s Gory Planet Tourism Guide.  We have provided access to small surveys for people to fill in if they want – tell the world your thoughts about the cities, anonymously and from the comfort of wherever you want.  Let Gory Planet do the hard work."

"As our good amigo of the guide, @FrancisoGoya might say, a good guide hoy dia means no bad flight mañana."

"Today, like a good Scottish rainstorm we are going from West to East and starting at the far flung outer reaches of the known universe let’s look at Los Angeles, the Seattle of California."

Gory Planet Guide – Los Angeles

Sponsored by The Lib_ - Ambrosia Before Ambrosia Became A Thing

The Goose spots his old friend and moustachio'd character actor Ryman_Branson putting together a kind of 'rough guide' to LA

HONK! FLAP FLAP WADDLE RUN PECK HONK HONK!

(I didn't care for it, it smelled like FranciscoGoya's underpants and was too hot for my fair feathers)

HONK!

Truly fun to see this coming up again, many thanks Ryman_Branson

Hope this will continue since its great to read Gory Planet.

WhyBother lights up his smoke and walkes back where he was about to go next in his life to earn some good cash perhaps.

Despite el serving gratis offered at the the Lib_ restaurant in Los Angeles, yo am, after completing el survey, muy interested in los conclusiones of The Gory Planet Tourism Guías. Tan much even, that yo may consider ir a Los Angeles to comer something at la la Lib_  with @Ryman_Branson.. O con @Ryman_Branson. There is not much differencia for me.

Going más profundo - non-sexual - I fear the colourful city un poco. My corazón truely lies en industrial Detroit.

Pablo Ryman was sitting at the main desk of the Gory Planet Guide as some of the replies for entry into his guide started to trickle in.  His glamourous assistant Tata Josephine brought a couple over to the desk.  Tata Josephine was the spitting image of Pablo’s hot wife back in Medellin.  Immigration hadn’t noticed that it actually was Tata, Pablo Ryman had been helped by his contacts in the DEA and the passports had looked muy convincing.

“There’s one interesting one in there Pablo…I mean Ryman.”

“They’re all interesting Tata….ahem Josephine.”

They would have to get better at this.

Best thing about Los Angeles – The businesses and the folks that run em

Worst thing about Los Angeles – The businesses and the folks that run em.

Rumours about a Californian identity crisis had been circulating for months, they had even reached Medellin but were things in the businesses so fractured that the best and worst things were the same.  With LA being such a lucrative market for coke coffee, any subtle changes in attitude had big knock-on ramifications for the laboratorios coffee planters.  He consulted his little black book, monogrammed as a gift from his friends at the DEA when he first went to Colombia…WWPD – What would Pablo do.  He looked at the entry for market fluctuation.

“Shoot the fluctuatorios y feed them to the hipopótamos.”

Seemed a bit extreme, he flicked to internal market division.

“Shoot the dividers and darles de comer al hippos”

He flicked to late comers

“Disparo el tardy y feed them al hipopótamos”

Pablo had found ways to make use of his hippos quite effectively

“Josephine, I will go to Los Angeles and find out what these businesses are like and report back.”