One month ago, my father and creator Dr. Devin Motorcycle - the foremost scientist in the world in the field of human/animal genetic splicing - was murdered in the laboratory in which I was created. I was framed for his murder. In the days since, I have lived as a fugitive from the law, investigating a trail of clues so winding, serpentine and dangerous, I have barely made it out alive and with my sanity intact. Having narrowed down the suspect pool to the American mafia, The Quackers Commission has sought to pinpoint the killer via a series of tests and interrogations.

Here are our findings.

SUSPECT #1: @_Issei_

To: _Issei_
From: QuackersFeatherbeak
Sent: Apr 15, '21 11:00
Subject:

For content

To: QuackersFeatherbeak
From: _Issei_
Sent: Apr 15, '21 10:59
Subject:

Why though, interested but curious as to why 

To: _Issei_
From: QuackersFeatherbeak
Sent: Apr 15, '21 10:59
Subject:

You

To: QuackersFeatherbeak
From: _Issei_
Sent: Apr 15, '21 10:35
Subject:

about? 

To: _Issei_
From: QuackersFeatherbeak
Sent: Apr 15, '21 08:19
Subject:

Issei, would you like to do an interview for my newspaper?

The conversation ended there with no reply forthcoming, likely the result of Issei seeking 2nd and 3rd opinions on the nature of an interview, namely: a) what it is, and b) what it is for. It seemed my approach as a journalist for a fake newspaper may have been too confusing for the young mob boss. It was swiftly concluded that he was likelier to kill himself strapping on his velcro shoes in the morning than ever having come near murdering a man with the brilliance of Dr. Devin Motorcycle.

VERDICT: INNOCENT. INCAPABLE OF THE ACT. SEEMINGLY HELPLESS, LIKE AN ANTHROPOMORPHIC EGG WITH ARMS BUT NO LEGS.

SUSPECT #2: @DonnieBrasco_

To: QuackersFeatherbeak
From: DonnieBrasco_
Sent: Apr 15, '21 12:14
Subject: Interview

I dont know what to comment here, dont know shit about motorcycles

To: DonnieBrasco_
From: QuackersFeatherbeak
Sent: Apr 15, '21 12:02
Subject: Interview

Excellent, this is great stuff.

Next:

Dr. Motorcycle

To: QuackersFeatherbeak
From: DonnieBrasco_
Sent: Apr 15, '21 11:55
Subject: Interview

Something each and every one of us needs to have in this thing of ours, even if we are on opposite sides. Respect is something that should be above everything

To: DonnieBrasco_
From: QuackersFeatherbeak
Sent: Apr 15, '21 11:52
Subject: Interview

Thank you, very good.

Next word:

Respect

To: QuackersFeatherbeak
From: DonnieBrasco_
Sent: Apr 15, '21 11:51
Subject: Interview

Loyalty changed a lot from old days in both ways from leaders to members and from members to leaders. From notes taken by my ancestors, loyalty was lost during years

To: DonnieBrasco_
From: QuackersFeatherbeak
Sent: Apr 15, '21 11:18
Subject: Interview

Hello Donnie!

If you don't mind, why don't we start the interview with a little bit of word association? Put simply, I will give you a word, you just reply with the first thing that comes to your mind. 

Let's start with:

Loyalty

Brasco was a tougher nut to crack. We decided on a strategy of word association razzle-dazzle to catch the mob boss off guard. It was to our great disappointment that the plan fell apart immediately, upon the realization our subject would have to understand what to do. Still, his answers on loyalty and respect were tolerable, though I don't think we would have made it to "omerta" without my beak being lodged down an exhaust pipe sucking down carbon monoxide like opium. His claim to not know "shit" about motorcycles, to the point of not even being able to offer a one word/line opinion on them, did feel suspicious but at that point it was well past decided he had not made the grade of potential genius-murderer. 

VERDICT: INNOCENT. A MAN MORE MOPED THAN HARLEY-DAVIDSON.

SUSPECT #3: @ThomasCrown

To: ThomasCrown
From: QuackersFeatherbeak
Sent: Apr 15, '21 15:43
Subject: Interview

I'm sorry, Mr. Crown, but the correct question was:

"How do you balance work and family?"

I will have to deduct 30 points from your score.

To: QuackersFeatherbeak
From: ThomasCrown
Sent: Apr 15, '21 15:40
Subject: Interview

Straight questions would certainly help that accord. :P

 

 

And I am doing fine today. 

To: ThomasCrown
From: QuackersFeatherbeak
Sent: Apr 15, '21 15:39
Subject: Interview

I'm sorry, Mr. Crown, but I have tight publishing deadlines to meet.

To: QuackersFeatherbeak
From: ThomasCrown
Sent: Apr 15, '21 15:34
Subject: Interview

Man, this would be so much easier. If I didn't have to unscramble the questions...

Or your going to have to wait a while. 

To: ThomasCrown
From: QuackersFeatherbeak
Sent: Apr 15, '21 11:11
Subject: Interview

Terrific, thank you for your time, Mr. Crown.

Your first task is to unscramble the following into a question and then answer to your best ability:

fin lr mcHwoaoaaduyy boe?l wan okd

To: QuackersFeatherbeak
From: ThomasCrown
Sent: Apr 15, '21 09:07
Subject:

Sure. Why not
To: ThomasCrown
From: QuackersFeatherbeak
Sent: Apr 15, '21 07:14
Subject:

Mr. Crown,

You seem to be a man of interest. Would you be interested in doing an interview for an upcoming newspaper? The streets are completely dead and I am hoping to do my part to help turn that around.

Mr. Crown, who you may find with relative frequency on the hitlist, was my next suspect. With him, a test of wits. He proved to not have any, given his failure to decipher the challenge put forth to him. 

Someone capable of killing Dr. Devin Motorcycle would have to be cunning and brilliant, a student of science and literature, a luminary across several fields, and by all accounts unable to be hamstrung by simple word puzzles. Crown was quickly eliminated from the suspect pool. 

VERDICT: INNOCENT. HEAD ON THE HITLIST FOR 200M, BRAIN FROM THE BARGAIN BIN. 

SUSPECT #4: @Klejnot

To: Klejnot
From: QuackersFeatherbeak
Sent: Apr 15, '21 16:03
Subject:

Thank you very much for your time, Don Klejnot. Your answers have been very illuminating.

To: QuackersFeatherbeak
From: Klejnot
Sent: Apr 15, '21 15:58
Subject:

For a scientist to commit something that atrocious, they need to be put in a padded room.
To: Klejnot
From: QuackersFeatherbeak
Sent: Apr 15, '21 15:56
Subject:

Thank you, Don Klejnot. Another very interesting answer. One final question:

What punishment would you think should be handed out to a mad scientist guilty of committing such atrocities with, say, some sort of cow-woman horror affectionally known as 'Moo-Moo Mary'?

To: QuackersFeatherbeak
From: Klejnot
Sent: Apr 15, '21 15:52
Subject:

No, in my own opinion that would just be wrong. Because the two are different. Zeus would come down in the form of a creature. But would become human to do his deed and then leave. Unlike if the scientist would do it it would be considered unethical and inhuman.
To: Klejnot
From: QuackersFeatherbeak
Sent: Apr 15, '21 15:48
Subject:

It does, Don Klejnot. But now, let me ask you this:

Would it be ethical for that scientist - the man playing God - to begin a relationship with whatever revolting, Frankensteinian abomination poured out of his incubation chamber, just as Zeus would come to earth in the guise of a swan or a goat and litter the mortal realm with demi-God's?

To: QuackersFeatherbeak
From: Klejnot
Sent: Apr 15, '21 15:41
Subject:

If a man or a scientist were to create a sentient species of any type (animal / human to be exact) they would not be God, but playing God. Though it would be a new discovery of how those genes would work together and still be able to function. If this makes sense.
To: Klejnot
From: QuackersFeatherbeak
Sent: Apr 15, '21 15:38
Subject:

Thank you, Don Klejnot. You are most gracious. I award you 1 point. 

My first question is this:

If a man (say, a scientist) were to create an entirely new living, sentient species (say, an animal-human hybrid) would that make him God?

This was where the commission's investigation took a turn. Like a lightning strike, the motive presented itself. Of all things, could Dr. Motorcycle's murder have been a result of his affair with Mary, the grotesque cow-woman hybrid plucked out of a waking nightmare? The LA Don could not have made it clearer: that person should be sent away. And that person was my creator, who took twelve bullets to the gut not one month prior to this conversation. Was it Don Klejnot who ordered the hit? Who framed me and turned my life upside down? I was almost sure of it. But a plan as devious, and as nasty, could not have been completed without accomplices. So, the real question was...who else was in on it?

I look around and The Streets are empty, completely devoid of life. I wonder what malevolent force has sent the gangsters of the nation into their hidey holes. What terror keeps them from appearing in public at all? And I say with no uncertainty, it is the same unholy cabal that sought to bring about the death of the profound genius who set forth a virtuoso duck-man from the gooey embrace of his incubation chambers and into the dark underbelly of the American mafia. 

Dr. Motorcycle used to tell me, while staring affectionately at his lover: "She's wider than she is tall but I love her brother". Godspeed, good Doctor. Godspeed. 

VERDICT: GUILTY. FURTHER INVESTIGATION REQUIRED. 

Thomas Crown was sitting in his office sipping on some tea. As he was getting ready for his day. Just the other day, the newest duck or goose in New York. Or what have you...reached out to Thomas about doing an interview for a paper. Thomas was a little busy at the time to actually do much investigation. And always supportive of a endeavor like a paper, Thomas obliged without much questioning. Needless to say when the flying Anatidae did sit down with Thomas for his set of questions. Thomas was a little puzzled with the line of questioning. He didn't expect to be speaking a jumbled language of sorts. He expected English to be the common language. But then again, he should have known better. A Anatidae that spoke, should have alerted Thomas. That an alternative line of questioning was incoming. 

Always a good sport. Thomas continued with the line of questions, till well. He didn't have time for it anymore. And had to take off as more important business required his attention. The next morning he woke up with his face in the news paper, and we aren't talking about the wanted pages. But more, in the interview section of the Quacker Commission. As Thomas read the commissions report. He damn near spit his morning tea out. Thomas couldn't stop laughing. The time spent doing the interview, had served its purpose well. And Thomas was very happy with the comical outcome. Even before Thomas could finish reading the commissions report. Thomas called over one of his bodyguards. 

Where is this guys? office. I want to send over some support of the commission. I would like to see more of this work. 

Thomas handed the guard a duffle bag full of cash. 

Have that taken to the Duck's or goose's office. Whats the word? Anatidae? Yea his office!!! He much deserves it. 

Thomas went back to enjoying the Commissions report. 

LONG LIVE QUACKERS FEATHERBEAK