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Jun 18 - 04:55:40
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Introducing Phil, the prostitute pilot Started by: PilotPhil on Apr 24, '21 07:40

Stepping onto the soapbox, Phil scrapes his throat

Hi. I am Phil. I am a pilot.
A special kind.. I am Phil, the Prostitute Pilot.

Phil looks at some raised eyebrows and decides to answer some unspoken questions
I hear you thinking.. No!

 I will not sell my body. Neither to the highest, nor to the lowest bidder.
But I will go anywhere for anyone to take a look around and inform you on who is in the place you want to look around in, as long as you are willing to pay. As common in my field of work, Prostitute Pilots work with two different rates.

Raising his index finger
One is when I either already am in the place you need to have information on or when I can hop on a regular flight.
That will cost you $1,000,000, which is easy to remember, as it's option 1, times a million dollars.

And then there is the other option, option Five.
This prices kicks in when I recently flew and you want me to charter a private flight to know who is in a specific location, my rate will be $5,000,000, which is easy to remember, as it's option 5, times a million dollars..

Nodding as to assume everyone understood, Prositute Pilot Phil adds another piece of information

So you may be wondering.. If I am looking for employment?
Well. Yes, I am. Everybody needs a house. But my aim on making a living is by generating income as I just sketched above. So if a crew leader would accept these conditions, I will be happy to engage into conversation.

With that, Phil politely nods and steps off the soapbox, puts on his goggles and takes his leather briefcase in his hand.

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Phil decided to start advertising a bit more. He set up a special VIP program for frequent flyers and thought of a lottery system. He jumped back onto the soapbox he had left earlier and said

My reward program now includes a random weekly giveaway to anyone wearing any of the following tags publicly

With that, he spread his arms after each and every sentence, adding weight to each of the possibilities

  • I flew with PilotPhil and can safely say I didn't die
  • I get Phil'd up with Phil's Airlines
  • I only lost 3 litres of blood flying with Phil. Loved the experience and will go again.
  • Pilot Phil WILL get you to your destination. Or he will die trying.
  • Phil's Airlines helping you overcum your fear of flights
  • I am a frequent Phil flyer and landed on the ground most of the time!
  • Phil's Airlines - 99% reliable
  • Pilot Phil airlines are so good you'll rather live in the plane, and drive to other locations
  • Phil's Airlines. Fighting discrimination on behalf of disabled pilots

Before I will put your name in the tombola, I will need to be aware of you wearing it. Please send me a message and I will include your name in the lottery, too.

Thank you for choosing Phil's!

PilotPhil spread his arms and made planey noises as he walked away

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Olivia wrapped her arms around herself as she stood there frowning. "I didn't like airplanes before," she said in a soft voice, "They can't flap their wings like a bird, so it didn't make no sense to me." she shrugged, "But I can confidently say that after flying with Pilot Phil, my fear is no longer irrational and we're lucky we're alive." she said nodding her head. "Although the snacks were nice." she added as an afterthought. 

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Looking at Olivia, PilotPhil felt sorry for her that he had to disqualify her from yesterday's lottery, where she would have won the main prize. He smiled as she imitated a wrapped up cucumber and spoke out some thoughts.

Dear Olivia.. You are wrong there.. Did you know?

Did you know that because the lift is equal to half the density of the air times the squared velocity of the plane relative to the around it times the lift coefficient, which depends on the shape and direction, and here it comes..

..times the area of the wings..

..aerospace engineers have invented flaps? So airplanes, too, flap.. Exactly like birds do, but then different.

Assuming she understood, PilotPhil continued

I am delighted to hear about your positive Phil Airlines experience. It is wonderful to hear you, too, are now a living, walking, talking billboard, spreading your life experiences. Mind you: Should you have chosen another company, it might have been dead experiences you would have shared.. And have eaten inferior snacks..

I am happy to see you enter the VIP Program, Olivia! PilotPhil added as he put his pilot hat back on and looked at locals, checking if anyone currently needed his whoring..

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The squirrel god notices a dapper chap, with a feather in his hat.  He had no idea what it was but most definitely liked the cut of his jib.....whatever one of those was.

'you there PilotPhil, are you the gatekeeper to the 7?'

the squirrel got gave a mighty show of testicular fortitude and blasted a laser show from his nuts

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Squirrel got?  gatekeeper to the 7?  The squirrel god was wondering if this world was affecting him more than he thought.

'i did of course me gatekeeper to the 9 realms, but hey, enjoy the laser show'

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PilotPhil shook his head, standing in front of a big bowl that contained little balls, of which he had just opened one, when @Ratotoskr showed up and gave his laser show..

Does it look like I am the gatekeeper?

The handsome whoring pilot looked around him, noticing he was standing right in front of Gate 9 of one of his favourite airports and suddenly understood where Ratatoskr's question came from. Phil decided to answer by explaining what he was doing instead

You know, Ratatoskr..

PilotPhil looked at the little ball he had opened and read


Shaking his head, he continued talking as he assembled the ball back and took another

I need to find Heston's name..


Phil shook his head again, taking two balls in his hand and opening two at the same time now

I am sad to have to remove him from the lottery. You know he invented the slogan he used for advertising for Phil Airlines himself?

Olivia.. Apparition

PilotPhil kind of got used to not finding the name he needed

He was a great man.. An possibly even a greater chef. I ask you: Who else than a chef could speak the wise words

I get Phil'd up with Phil's Lumpy Custard 

Lin_Manuel.. Laurel..

PilotPhil shook his head again, taking three balls at a time now, quickly opening them

ZebrishRed.. @Dohukebi.. Olivia

That's odd! I knew she was cheating! It's not the first time she didn't follow the rules on the lottery.. One person can't answer twice! Even an eight year old would understand that!

Rico Tyki_Mikk FishTheKitty

PilotPhil inspected the balls left. There were just five more.

You know what the thing is with finding the right name in a whole bowl of in-ball-hidden names..? It's like the key to your cockpit, they are always in the last place you look..

Ryman_Branson.. XerxesFalken

Still not! I will just open them one at a time


I can't believe it.. If I take Genovese out now, it will be the very last one that carries Heston's name

PilotPhil opened the penultimate ball and finally read Heston's name. He bowed his head slightly and was silent for a moment.

Well.. that leaves me with 1 intact ball and 15 I need to fix before I start the seventh draw of the Phil Airlines Frequent Flyer VIP Special Reward Program Lottery.. But I will soon!

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Olivia shook her head and then giggled, "Mister Phil," she said to PilotPhil "You sure do you love your balls, huh?" she skipped around, watching the man while he played. "Whoa, how did I cheat?" she asked him, stopping suddenly, her hands on her hips. 

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Every man likes his balls. And pilots even more so..

You know very well your name was in there twice, Olivia!

PilotPhil spoke, as he lifted his index finger

Or do you mean last time, when you took part without meeting the criteria of the Bonus Program?

Phil smiled

Don't worry, your name is still in the big bowl, Olivia.. and I will do the draw now.

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She crossed her arms over her chest and pouted, her foot tapping. She had been spending time with some very powerful ladies and was quickly picking up her mannerisms. "Don't blame me for cheating when you made the assumption and added my name to the hat!" she said to the man, raising a hand and pointing a finger at him. "It's a bit like the time you confused yourself over your own numbering system and an 8-year-old had to correct you," she said with a smirk. 

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Phil got a little angry now

Does it look I am a counter? Does it look like like I am into numbering? I am decent with both air-hostesses and stewards and that's why I became a pilot! So who are you to blame me for having an 8 year old correct me? I am sure you sometimes come back on your own actions, too. That would mean you are stood corrected by an 8-year old, too.

PilotPhil mimics Olivia's foot-tapping, crossing his arms as well. As he does so, he spots a rather ugly white-ish stain on his pilot's shirt. He quickly folds his hand over it and looks at Olivia.

You came in third.. Congratulations!

And I could do with someone managing the lottery, as it's a bit of a mess. Somehow I did not even include the gorgeous Velvet in this latest one.. She will get an Olivia for the next, a double entry ticket. You know, like the visa you get when you fly into Russia..

Realizing Olivia probably doesn't know about Russian Customs, PilotPhil lifts his shoulders as they were the wings of one of his airplanes taking off.

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The squirrel god, bored, hops onto Olivia shoulder and whispers

'what in Odins nutsack is going on here?' he questioned, nibbling on a humanoid nut

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Mr. Phil,


Would you sell your body to the mediumest bidder? Looking forward to hearing back.




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Offering Phil a tray of delicious baked good with a cup of highly caffeinated coffee, placing it in front of him to defuse his temper tantrum with Miss Olivia 

"Two tickets you say? Ain't i lucky PilotPhil"

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