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The Tabloid News – XLIII
Mr. Pickles: Editor-In-Chief
FROM THE EDITOR:
After seeing numerous newspapers flooding the streets, I have decided to blow the dust off the ol’ typewriter and get my presses printing again. Why all the dust you ask? The French Maids all quit. Something about sexual harassment. I told them that LoveGun would never be allowed in the Tabloid Offices again, but they wouldn’t listen. And, speaking of LoveGun, boy do we have some dirt on her this issue. So, once again, on with the news . . ======================
KIMBLE IMPLICATED IN THEFT RING
Chicago’s Kimble was caught in Cleveland stealing clappers. The clapper is a thing inside the bell that makes them clang, known as clappers in the company. The owner of the company, Claude Cooper, said his copper clappers were kept in the closet. Claude Cooper is quoted that “without question, Kimble copped my copper clappers kept in the closet!” The incident was first called into the cops by the captain of the cleaning crew, Clara Clifford, having just cleaned the copper clappers kept in the closet. Claude Cooper called and comlained that if he ever caught Kimble who copped his clean copper clappers kept in the closet in Cleveland, he would clobber him. When asked why he would do such a thing, Kimble merely responded, “Kleptomania.”
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LOVEGUN COZY WITH LOCAL COPS
Supposed criminal mastermind, LoveGun, may not be the courageous crafty criminal she portrays to the public. Mr. Pickles recently tried alleviating her of some of the excess cash she keeps in her purse. LoveGun reportedly screamed like a little girl and ran straight to the cops. Mr. Pickles was subsequently arrested and held without trial, enduring the horrors of jail before his lawyer secured his release. Surely, crying to the local constabulary is not the action of an underworld executive. And, how did this woman, wanted in at least eight cities (and not just for her warrants) secure the love and devotion of Johnny Law? We, the intrepid news staff at The Tabloid News confronted her about her unnatural relationship with law enforcement. She tried to play innocent, but the truth was plain to see on her sticky fingers. Doughnuts. By the thousands! She spends most of her day, not pilfering post offices or heisting trucks, but baking doughnuts for the police. It turns out she’s more Crocker than crook.
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ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN
Dear Red,
I just received a promotion in my family to Capo. Now, everywhere I look, my crewmates are looking at me deviously and making sure their guns are loaded. Why?
Signed,
Norman, P. Morris
Dear NPM,
They’re, um . . . just trying to protect their newest Capo. Yeah, that’s it.
Red
Dear Red,
I’m trying to run my union a little differently than most criminal organizations. I’ve converted to Hinduism, and I’ve hired more Native Americans than most. But, I’m worried about what the other crew leaders will say. What do you think?
Signed,
Beach Bum
Dear Bum,
Holy cow, look at all those cotton picking Indians!
Red
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MR. PICKLES PLANS ON GOING ROUGE
Mr. Pickles has secretly announced his plans on going rouge. Instead of the standard act of insanity of going rogue, Pickles plans on going rouge. He is going to run around to people pinching their cheeks, then taking pictures of their rosy complexion for his own sick and twisted purposes. When asked for a comment, both Dementor and Picardo started drinking, heavily, muttering “why did we let him out of his room?”
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TIGGY RETROSPECTIVE
Prior to her ascension into godesshood, Tiggy was once just like us (well, not like you and me, but close enough). She used to be the editor of The Mafia Gazette, which was a fine publication, but ever in need of fact checking. So, to keep her humble, The Tabloid News would tirelessly make up, we mean, investigate facts about Tiggy. We have decided to re-publish a few of our favorite stories from yesteryear.
TIGGY CONFESSESS ALL
Illicit sex, thievery, bribery, and pouring Rogaine on hairless rodents were just some of the sins the esteemed editor of a rival newspaper confessed to The Vile Deacon. In fact, her sins were so bad, the gods identified her this way . . .
Name: tiggy
Rank: Godless Heathen
Status: Repentant
Other sins she omitted before the cleric, but were discovered by the tabloid news include, but not limited to . . . jaywalking, littering, donating Monopoly money to charity, lewd acts with a typewriter, and over $503,950.34 in unpaid parking tickets. She has also been known to violate several grammatical rules, and even worse, she has lied about facts in her newspaper, claiming to have researched but really just made them up . . . wait, that’s me . . . nevermind.
TIGGY COMMITTED TO ASYLUM FOR ‘MENTAL HEALTH’
After recovering from her horrible ‘finger’ accident, Tiggy worked night and day to produce a newspaper using only one hand on her typewriter. Reportedly, she became so frustrated with this method of typing that she threw her typewriter out of her office window, crushing an innocent bystander below. She then tore down the halls screaming, ‘damn the manifold, full speed ahead.’ She was taken in for observation, and was given comfortable accommodations in a padded cell, and a new jacket which wrapped around her body securely.
TRUTH BEHIND TIGGY’S ACCIDENT
Did anyone really believe the whole story behind Tiggy getting her finger hurt fixing her car? I certainly did not. Does anyone truly believe that someone who puts out a newspaper has the time to work on their own car? Couldn’t she hire someone else to do it? After some serious investigation, we at the Tabloid News have discovered how she really broke her finger. Apparently, there is a God. And, he’s a vengeful God. Tiggy was in an argument with someone across the street from her, when she decided to prove her point by lighting a cigarette, and giving the bird. She always smokes when flipping someone off. Unfortunately, a nun was crossing the street at the same time, and received the full brunt of Tiggy’s display of rage. The nun, deep in shock, prayed, and which point a lightning bolt shot from the sky. No, it didn’t hit Tiggy. What it did hit was a nearby tree, sending a limb crashing down next to Tiggy, who jumped back in shock, knocking over Dick Gozinya who just walked out of a local purveyor of adult reading material. She rolled over, and got her finger caught under the door of said shop, and had not yet returned her middle finger to a normal state. So, Tiggy’s finger became stuck in a door that was locked. It took seven hours to get a locksmith to open to the door so she could slide the offending finger out from under the door. And, that is how her finger broke. |
