Mr. Pickles walks onto the street, sets up 47 Enterprises © Portable Soapbox ™ and addresses the crowd . . .  

Hi there!  Are you having difficulty getting sponsors?  Are you striking out with the thugs?  Do you see those guys walking around with multiple people following them around, earning them money, and get jealous?  Well, don’t despair!  I’m here to help you.

Gather ‘round folks, and come benefit from Mr. Pickles Pick-Up Seminar!

Let me start by saying that you should probably stop going up to the new guy on the street and ask, “So, what’s a nice thug like you doing in a city like this?”  There’s no need to compliment them.  Calling them nice only gives them a glimmer of self-esteem.  And, that’s bad.  Nobody with self-esteem would join up with you.  Start with, “Hey dumbass!  Why are you all alone on the streets?  Nobody likes you or something?  Come join me!  I like you.  I’ll take care of you.”  Then smack ‘em on the head with a rolled up newspaper (like the Chuckle Knuckle . . . that’s about all it’s good for). 

If that doesn’t work, may I suggest vodka.  And lots of it.  Or, whiskey.  Whatever works for you.  Get the new thug really drunk, and then make them sign on the dotted line.  If you need to, put a gun to their head and give them an offer they can’t refuse.  It shows the new thug that your family has power and isn’t afraid to show it.

If that still doesn’t work, I highly recommend the chloroform and cargo truck method.  All you need is a rag, a jar of chloroform, and a truck you can throw them in and take them to your HQ.  This generally has a great success rate.  Having problems getting the chloroform to their face?  Just pull out your handkerchief and ask them if it smells funny.

“But, what if they’re talking to someone else?” you ask?

Well, that’s easy.  Always recruit with a buddy.  Your buddy can distract the other gangster your targeted thug is talking to and distract them.  If your competition is Beach Bum, then any shiny object will do to cause a diversion.

I hope that I’ve been a help to all of you.  Now, go out and get some Sponsors!

MikeHunt hears the educating speech and can only help but wonder a few things...

Mister Pickles, I applaud your speech as it's very educating and very experience like. Experience even to bring to thought that this has been done to woman. Many woman if you will. I only say many women due to the thought process of these very original schemes.

These tactics of yours, I have to admit, I've used before. Back in the day of my nightly adventures, I used vodka as a form of wooing women if you will. Even had a "buddy" to distract her friend. We usually call those people a "wing man". After hearing some of your tactics, the chloroform or even truck method seem harsh but a man has to resort to even the unusual things to get women.

I will leave with this Mister Pickles, hopefully some day soon I will be able to use some of these tactics in my "own" means of attracting "sponsors".

MikeHunt leaves with a large grin on his face.

Mike with your "if you wills" and use of air quotes, I knew right away you were related to an old friend of ours.  Welcome to the resistance.

Thanks for the homecoming if you will. I definitely was related to an old friend of ours if you will. 

Screw you... if you will.

Meresin takes some time out of his busy day to listen to someone on the street. It was his friend Mr_Pickles talking today. This should be entertaining...

After a few laughs, and Mr_Pickles finishing his words, as Meresin was leaving the streets, stated:

Why even bother with all that talking? Send them an invite to the crew anyway and your chances should be good they accept.

As he was walking back to the HQ Meresin wondered if everyone listenning knew he was being sarcastic.

Overhears Mr_Pickles in fine voice. 

Wonders to himself how Mr_Pickles knows the intimate details of how I 'wooed' my current wife. 

I thought the best way to gain a new associate was to terrify him. Remind him of his impending doom should he not join up right away. My understanding is that's how all the best recruiters work.

I'm so confident that this is the best way to get associates, that I'll let you use my template for free.

Hey you! You don't have a family yet?! You've been alive for three solid minutes!! There are people lurking around every corner, guns drawn, waiting to bathe in your blood! Here, quick, I'll get you an invite. You're safe with [insert family name here].

I've used the chloroform one before, but mostly I use the very innocent method of bragging on myself in the form of an insult. It impresses the poor brainwashed thug and comes across as being idle conversation as opposed to anything else. For example, "The one problem with knowing everything about our way of life and knowing everyone is that they always come to me to ask me questions! It sucks!"

The thug then believes you are highly influential, you're a veteran and you're friends with everyone so you have lots of contacts. Reel him in my friends - hook, line and sinker. After that you can take him back to your place and what you do from there varies on who you are. Chuckle will make the thug dance on a stripper pole for Bob Liar, SalvatoreMaranzano would start to ask the thug out on a date before flaking out like a sissy, Mrs-Doubtfire would show the thug the tricks and tips of using Cillit Bang and Raptor would simply shove his hands in the thugs pockets and leave them there.

Enjoy.

Humblebrag.

~C~