Looking around the bars, restaurants and casino's of Chicago recently, I noticed one thing we all had in common. One very big things. Our waist lines. It got me thinking, how much more successful would we all be if we thought before we ate and drank? Yes, we all love meatballs. We all love pasta. We all love wine. We all love whiskey. Would it really hurt us if we lost a few pounds?

Not only would it not hurt us, it could actually help us. I recently visited Australia. It was a business trip. A chance to expand the drug empire of The Morning Wood Elite. Taking us International. I went as a mule, to see how easy it could be. And it was easy. very easy. Anyway, I digress.

Whilst there, I was introduced to an armed robber turned super hit man. He introduced himself as The Runner. And this is all I know him as. We had an evening out in a seedy bar in Yarra, Melbourne. It was at this time, The Runner bought up my weight. Reaching for my gun, he quickly asked me to let him explain himself. You see, The Runner was 5' 10" and didnt have an ounce of fat on him. I let him explain.

The Runner then proceeded to tell me of his background. A former distance runner who was tipped to make the Olympics. He ended up using his naturally gifted talent for a life of crime. He became an armed robber.

One of the biggest problems, he explained, in armed robbery, was the escape. It made it much easier to be found when parked outside the establishment he was robbing. Routes much easier to be followed, etc, etc. So what did the runner do?

Park around 2 miles from the bank/post office/shop, walk their, rob, then run off. You see, by running, he became harder to follow, with more routes available to him. He often picked routes that made it impossible for the police to follow, except on foot, and he backed himself to outrun them. Getting to the getaway car minutes ahead of them, allowing him an easy getaway.

He then moved into paid hits, and took the tactics with him. No longer did he have to risk the poor odds of a drive by. Or risk an often fatal car chase. Get close to the target, shoot and run. He had never been caught. Always got his hit. And was building a massive reputation.

He even talked about coming to America to offer his gun for hire, knowing that he would easily outrun the Mafioso running our streets, and our donut eating police. Knowing his talents, we discussed hooking up when he flies over. But the conversation did get me thinking. If we all lost a little weight, would we make more money? Spend less time locked up? And reduce the chances of being spotted when killing?

Since the visit, I have cut out all pasta's, as they make me slow and tired, and now I just hit a lot of lean meat and salad.

There are a lot of things that could kill you in this world, dont let a fat enduced disease be one.

Undoubtedly it's important to maintain some semblance of well-being so that we can make good our escape, whether it be fleeing from the feds or trying to catch up with that pesky nuisance who thinks he can make off with your dough. Fatties don't do to well.

For that very reason, I actually have a screening procedure for anyone expressing an interest in the Morningwood Elite. Sure, there's all the "are you loyal, hardworking" et cetera questions, but almost as important (if not more so) is the weight test. I have some of my most trusted guys strip the potential candidate down to their small clothes, and then they must gingerly mount Spuff's Special Scales. It doesn't actually display weight, but instead reports one of four categories; Waif, Middling, Thunder Thighs and Walrus.

If you clock in as middling or thunder thighs, welcome aboard! Sadly, there's no room in my organisation for walruses for the very reasons you describe DanK. By the same token, I've yet to see a waif win a fight convincingly. Even if people don't get in though, they seem to enjoy the weighing procedure, especially when BlairWaldorf and Ozan bring their paddles.