At roughly the same time, across the streets, a herd of newsies spilled from ally ways, buildings, out of bushes, fire escapes, and some even hung out of windows. What was a normal day of adults going about their business, some dressed nicer than others, some smoking under street lamps, and some pontificating politely in public, turned into a choir of young male voices, who started yelling in unison across the streets, making sure that the world would know. 

“The Cooter Times is Back! Read all about it!” the handsomely paid youths cried out. Some handed the papers out politely, some tucked them into pockets and purses when their owners were distracted, but the best and brightest of the lads would give another bellow of the announcement before tossing their stack into the air. “Get yer’ copy right here!”  

The streets were chaos, just the way Cooter liked them. Some copies would be abandoned in the mud, stepped on and forgotten. Some would line bird cages, or protect fragile items being transported. But some, those lucky few, would actually be read. So as the boys started to retreat, stacks of the papers left here and there, their cries fading as normal returned.  

The streets are left wondering, was it worth it to… Stop? Cuz it’s Cooter Time. 

A letter from the Editor 

Ladies and Gentlemen, 
I am excited to be back at this typewriter. So excited that instead of paying men to shower me with compliments and attention, I have paid youths to make it rain Cooter. Hallelujah. This humble newspaper has a history, and while I am quite biased in its greatness, I do hope you enjoy reading it at least a fraction of how much I enjoyed writing it. 

It’s good to be back, people. This volume of the Cooter Times is brought to you by the letters F and U, and the number 8675309. 
Smooches, 

Catherine J. Cooter
Editor

The City of Second Chances… or perhaps not

Earlier this week as dawn broke, the former Godmother Chairman of Las Vegas and her trusted squad of gun-toting members moved to Summerlin to eradicate an issue within the city. This issue was FlintBeastwood and his crew, ~Gli Angeli Della Notte~, and their alleged inability to properly keep their bookkeeping records straight. 

While the initial fight was brief, Flint was able to escape the headquarters and what would ensue was several hours of back-and-forth shooting, with Flint honourably only attacking those involved rather than a free for all. 

While several people were brutally gunned down, the most surprising death was the Godmother Chairman herself, Harper. Reports state that having reviewed the few ledgers that were shared with her, she decided she was safe and thus precautions were not taken and it ultimately ended in her demise. 

Flintbeastwood eventually was removed from power, in what was a battle long enough to keep us busy and entertained, but short enough that none of us resent his family line. Which is how it should be. So, while peace is in place once more, we do look forward to seeing what sin causes hell to break loose in Sin City in the future. 

The Cooter Times would like to send their condolences out to the families of those who lost people during the recent conflicts. 

The Final Curtain Call

Prophetic Aardvark, or Artie to his friends, put on the show of the season in the streets. Asking people from far and wide to take the stage, become a star and showcase their talents. The contest was part of a larger game he was playing, with questions in IRC Ave as well as random prizes. Well, the masses of our world are fairly predictable when it comes to receiving free money and thus the contestants tried to captivate the four judges: Artie, Charlie, Honolulu^* and some guy named Squishy. 

A total of thirteen contestants performed for the judges, and while it quickly became apparent that this talent show was deadly, with three contestants dying before the curtain even closed, the show must go on, as it was a rousing success. Judgements had been proclaimed from the stand, from Artie & Charlie, final deliberations were due to take place giving late comers such as Lady-Marmalade and Rotten a chance to sing it out. But then tragedy struck and the money-man behind the contest was shot down leaving the other judges to take control and manage the results, honouring the wishes of the late aardvark. 

Unfortunately, another judge, Charlotte was murdered, thus the funds and fun had left the contest. Rumour has it that prizes will still be given, although the glorious amount originally promised may have died with the alcoholic aardvark. 

Business is Booming in The Big Apple

While business districts tend to ebb-and-flow with the times, it seems that New York is on a mission to be number one across the country when it comes to creating a shining example of what a business district should look like. From Toy stores, shipping docks, basketball courts, to even just a place to go when feeling peckish but gambling had not gone as planned. 

The businesses cover all interests, and are well worth a visit should you find yourself in New York City on your journeys around America. All customers and patrons will help crown the eventual Business man or woman of the year. So, spend generously, unless you’re going just for the free food. Then eat gluttonously.  

Your Advertisement Here

Are you interested in getting word out about your business, an event or even perhaps a monkey wearing an adorably amusing bonnet? Well look no further. For the low price of 150,000 dollars, the Cooter Times will showcase whatever you like. We’re cheap and our standards are low! 

Final Words from the Editor and then she'll shut up, I promise

Hello dear readers, 
Yes, it is me again. While some may know of this esteemed historical newspaper, some are not as lucky. A friendly reminder that this once humble paper was a tabloid founded over a decade ago on a newly discovered passion for a drink called “rum” and youthful sarcasm. While the paper has evolved slightly, please take everything reported in the spirit it was written, as entertainment.

Because while I could chase leads, interview people or actually research, I can not be arsed. 

Until the next time I feel there is news worth sharing, thank you for reading. 

Catherine J. Cooter
Editor
 

A short letter was sent to the editor. It was creased and had some words crossed out, some simply re-written after Chinaski regained his train of thought and realized it did make sense. He was drunk, of course, yet he felt he was lucid enough to get his point across.

No mention of a government official berating a wise guy into retirement and then when calmly called out on his bullshit (and it was bullshit) a prominent member and his hands being exiled back to the old country along with a ban upon re-entry for a year? I figured the reshaping of an entire city (effectively) would merit some kind of a mention in this classy newspaper. I guess it's not news you feel is worth sharing. My B.

Yours Truthfully,

Just Another Cunt?

Chinaski made sloppy seconds of the note and sent it to Koehler, just in case he also suddenly disappeared without a trace. Although, he was just a bum, nothing really to take note of, not like an acting Godfather, as a loose example.

Ted was walking the streets and was suddenly accosted by a young shit head screaming in his ear. A newspaper was thrust into his hands and before he could toss it in the gutter with the rest of the trash (as was his ordinary custom these days), he caught a glimpse of the heading on page one: "The Cooter Times".

A little bit of pee escaped his urinary tract before he regained his composure. This is what he had been waiting for...something that was actually fucking entertaining being handed out on the streets that was not drafted by an inbred orangutan. He smiled as he paged through the articles concerning the latest events, before turning back to the victim of child labor...

"I am fortunate enough to be one of the few who remember "The Cooter Times" from its early days. This is exactly what we have been missing from the streets, however, I seem to recall a bit more libel in the old editions. Hopefully your boss will drink more heavily while printing up the next edition, but still, an entertaining read! Thank you!".