The Tabloid News – XLIV
Mr. Pickles:  Editor-In-Chief

 FROM THE EDITOR

There has been quite a bit of news going on, and it is high time that we at The Tabloid News bring you the news properly and as truthfully as we ever do!  There are stories involving the extremely rich and famous, and the gods.  There are stories involving the lowest of the low and their dealings with the devil.  And, of course, everyone’s favourite segment, LoveGun’s Love Watch – who has she been cavorting with lately?  So, as we always say in the respectable newspaper world, on with the news! 

THE SUPER TRUE REAL STORY OF THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING $200,000,000!

Did Roman place the hit on himself to bilk loyal Chicagoans out of millions of dollars?  Did someone really save up his allowance to inconvenience Roman’s life?  Will Roman remember to release the midget he left locked in the truck of his car?  He will probably continue to forget.  Here’s the truth of the whole matter.  It was Santa Claus.  Preposterous you say?  It’s true!  Whereas we all know that Santa Claus only gives presents to good boys and girls, and the Roman Empire has been built on allegedly criminal activity, however Roman has some damaging pictures of Santa Clause . . . shall we say . . . baking gingerbread cookies with someone who is not Mrs. Clause.

During a routine KO of the PO, a letter from Roman to Santa was intercepted with the photographs inside.  In this letter was also a list of demands disguised as a Christmas wish-list.  Included in this list of demands was $500,000,000 in small unmarked bills and krugerands, a yacht, a midget bodyguard, and a new train set.  Santa put the anonymous hit on Roman in hopes that another nefarious member of the underworld (possibly that sadistic Tooth Fairy) would take care of Roman so he would not have to give into the demands.  Jolly old elf?  No!  Santa is a murderous mastermind!

 CHANGING OF THE GODS OR HAVOC IN HEAVEN

Every once in a while, at a certain age, even gods get old, lazy, or listless.  So, in order to keep a more perfect pantheon, certain gods have been encouraged to move into assisted living facilities and let younger, more active gods take on their responsibilities.  Some of the gods have been seen fishing, playing shuffle board, and a few have been rumoured to have taken up golf.

We at The Tabloid News have been following the career of one god in particular, Mr. 47.  Although he has not been reached for comment at time of publication of this issue, in past interviews he has admitted to shirking his deity duties for the more domestic life of being married with several children, and disguising himself as a mortal to teach biology at a college in Texas.

 LOVE GUN’S LOVE WATCH

For those of you who thrive upon gossip, we are bringing you another installment of our investigations into the sordid details of LoveGun’s love life.  She has been seen on a date, most recently, with Santa Claus.  If you, dear reader, have been paying attention, you will already know what kind of problems this has caused.

ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN

Dear Red Watch,
Why doesn’t anyone like me?  I try to friendly and outgoing, but people still seem to shun me?  What can I do?
Signed, The Mold

Dear Mold,
Just be yourself.  I’m sure you’ll grow on people soon enough.
Red

Dear Red Watch,
All I want is $500,000,000, a yacht, a midget bodyguard, and a new train set!  I’ve run out of ideas.  What can I do?
Signed, Wanting in Chicago

Dear Roman,
I see the blackmail idea didn’t work.  Perhaps you could try calling into a radio show contest.
Red

CHUCKLE KNUCKLE EXPOSED

At The Tabloid News we take our journalistic integrity very important.  In fact, it is the very first thing we talk about in staff meetings, after donuts and gin of course.  So, it is with the gravest adherence to the truth that we expose the truth behind our competitor, The Chuckle Knuckle.  It seems, their editor Chuckle, made a deal with Beelzebub himself to get his paper printed.  The reporters Chuckle credits with the articles are merely a cover-up to conceal the demonic journalists the Devil has writing the articles.  In return for these satanic services, Chuckle sold the Devil his soul, gave him $5,000,000,000, a yacht, a midget bodyguard, and a new train set.  We at The Tabloid News feel these resources could have better benefited humanity being placed elsewhere.  Chuckle might have been reached for comment, but we did not want to disturb him.  We can only assume Chuckle made this dastardly deal in an attempt to be as cool as other editors who are too humble to name themselves in this article, especially editors as awesome as Mr. Pickles. 

BEST BAD JOKE IN A WHILE

Q. Which is the dumbest animal in the jungle?
A.  The Polar Bear!

Cadoras puts down his copy of the The Tabloid News next to his breakfast of bacon and eggs, all the while chuckling to himself

I fear a heated rivalry is on the cards between the TTN and TCK. I cant wait for Chuckle's next editorial. Pickle a great read as always you clearly come from literary stock.

I take personal offence at the use of several of my midget bodyguards. They have not, nor will ever be for sale.

Chuckle it is true enjoys the titillation of a particular hairy backed balding one (Goes by the name GazMidge) but I allow him this for free. I allows me sleep and stops the incessant pining noise he makes out side my back door most evenings.

Any further use of any of my midget bodyguards without proper recompense to my very good self will result in a flurry of tiny fists pummeling your groinal area.

But apart from that, huzzah!

Dear Red Watch,
Why doesn’t anyone like me?  I try to friendly and outgoing, but people still seem to shun me?  What can I do?
Signed, The Mold

Dear Mold,
Just be yourself.  I’m sure you’ll grow on people soon enough.
Red

I am growing all right... i seem to get bigger and bigger. Maybe i should see a shrink or something!

JkL grabs a copy of the paper from the scruffy looking paper boy

"Here you go kid" he says whilst stuffing a few $ in the kid's hand "Get yourself a wash and something to eat"

Another fine edition of The Tabloid News