Hello Dear reader,

The best part about being the journalist and editor is deadlines are more of a suggestion and time isn’t real. Quite lovely to be blunt, because the older I get the harder I find it to write hilarious articles about our world. I'm much better with a short retort or an excellent pun. But I digress, welcome to another edition of the Cooter Times, for all the news I could be bothered to make up.
This volume was brought to you by an hour-long journey, vaccinations and the number 8008.
I do hope you enjoy, as this typewriter on public transport is getting me some strange looks.
Smooches,

Catherine J. Cooter
Editor

The Force at the Top

This week saw some very exciting advancements in Philadelphia which would be “Live Action!” had I not gotten distracted by a very pretty horse in a field and instead carried on writing, but as usual wild majestic creature > New Godfather Chairman. Oh right, I guess that’s giving away the whole story, with that. Typewriters and printing presses really need a way to edit, do you have any idea how much of a pain in the ass it is to change this entire paragraph? Lets try this again, shall we? 

The Force at the Top

Yesterday was a momentous day in the great City of Philadelphia, as Qui-Gon-Jinn challenged the Godfather of the city and after securing victory, declared himself the Godfather Chairman of the city. His faithful and beautiful Righthand woman was quick to inform the streets of what had transpired and while the Council is smaller, the city of Philadelphia is thriving… if we ignore the presence of a few, such as Slade Wilson. 

When the new Godfather Chairman was asked for a statement regarding his new role in the city, that is when the aforementioned horse appeared through the window and so I’m sure whatever he was going to say was eloquent, brilliant and had something to do with me not having to donate anymore. 

The Cooter Times extends it biggest congratulations to the new Godfather Chairman of Philadelphia, and this additional bit is absolutely not sucking up in order to avoid being yelled at for anything I may have done, or will do in the future. Honest.

Circle Circle, Dot Dot

This little burb is a reminder that cooties are real, and dangerous. They are vastly different from the Cooter, but I assure you that if you have Cooties you ain’t gonna get no cooter. 

So get an appointment booked with your preferred medical professional and get your life saving Cootie Shot today! 
 

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

We like to pride ourselves on our ability to find the darkest, dirtiest and most scandalous stories to grace our shores. And that’s why we had to report on the news that Fluffier_Tummy is an absolute fraud. Sure, he’s a nice cat but I’m not kitten you, the one feature that makes the masses flock to him for those extortionate prices per pet, is a lie. 

Imagine our surprise as we were exploring the great city of New York when we stumbled upon the very backyard of the leader himself, Fluffier_Tummy. (Editor’s Note: please do not assume we were trespassing, climbing fences, or spying on people in order to find a story…) The cat was there in all his glory, in his birthday skin suit. That’s right! He had shed his fur coat, which laid to the side and his pale wrinkly skin was on full display. It turns out that he learned early on that hairless cats are not popular, and thus commissioned a full fur suit in order to get power, popularity and most importantly, pets. 

When asked for comment (Editor’s Note: No reader, I did not shriek in horror and then start laughing so hard that I fell off the fence), Fluffier_Tummy hissed, grabbed his garments and made a break for it into the safety and shade of his headquarters. 
 

Lacking leadership due to Laziness – Alternate title: Sloth – “Oi Fuck Bois, where you at?” 

This week has heard rumblings of unhappiness across some of the cities where the leadership seems to have taken note that the end of summer is approaching, and thus last-minute vacations and holidays have been planned. There has even been more than one retirement back to the old country by higher ranked individuals, their kin stating that they couldn’t find the motivation to work for an empty and silent family. 

This has problem isn’t a new manifestation of Sloth in our world, with bloodlines spanning as many decades as Utter_Cad has teeth, some cannot continue the time commitment and effort required to be one of the few at the top. Unfortunately, the sweet siren song of power and respect beckons and while their father’s dying words were, “Never again!” they start the climb, kiss the asses, plan the battles and once again their family line is back at the top before realization hits and another vacation is taken. 

Some come to the streets demanding change, some complain on IRC or OOC Avenue and most are told to “Grow up and do something about it.” Which implies that we have a lot of children around, so perhaps GreekFreak will open a day-care, I know he loves a good picture book. But also that our world is full of people willing to complain and yet do nothing about it. 

Hopefully the leaders and Hands who have been suspiciously absent on vacation return rejuvenated and ready to make that change, difference, enjoyment and friendships that they all boast about on the streets when first given the keys to their new headquarters. 

(Editors Note: Please do not shoot the messenger, she thought she’d try something new and report the facts.) 
 

Take a Bow

After several weeks of waiting that no one at the Cooter Times can possibly be blamed for, we are excited to announce the winners of the Talent Show that the majority of the population has forgotten about. The list of winners was much longer, but upon review the majority of the original contestants have died. 

In no particular order due to reasons and excuses, the winners of Prophetic_Aardvark’s Talent Show: 

Chumps , GreekFreak & Lady-Marmalade

Congratulations to the winners and thank you to those who did participate etc etc etc

Now please lets forget the whole thing ever happened. 

Advertisements

This advertisement is about GreekFreak who is not only Greek, but also a freak. Some say he can not read, because he is too tall to see the normal font in a book. Some claim that he is a man who is in literally every city across the world frequenting your business and then leaving with you being confused, amused and aroused. I was paid to call him out, and I believe this covers it. Lord knows this is going to feed his ego, assuming he’s learned to read. 


Wanted: Fucks to Give
The last Volume of the Cooter Times brought some negative Feedback in public and while we here at the Cooter Times Printing Office would like to respond, we discovered we were out of fucks to give. So currently looking for several, price negotiable, and as soon as procured we’ll get back to the complaints of peasants. 

For the low price of $150,000.00 you can advertise anything that you would like in the Cooter Times. 

"Did you get it?"

"Yeah, I picked up a few just in case you wanted to show your family."

Quickly, the Freak opened up to the page titled Take a Bow and set the rest down on the coffee table for someone else to read. The tension in the room was palpable while he scanned every last word to find the names of the winners, which saw Chumps as the first one mentioned... which was kind of peculiar. 

"Why would she put Chumps name first, do you think?"

"Maybe it was alpabeticle or whatever?" 

"Yeah, that's probably what it was. Alphabetical. Chumps though, did you think his act was better than mine?"

"I mean, it was a good act."

"But was it better than mine, do you think?"

Grasping hold of the piece of paper with his name on it, the thing that he was ready to tape to his wall in excitement over the success that he had just reached in the talent show competition circuit, he crumpled it a bit in an insecure rage. What about Chumps' routine had him billed ahead of him? Could it really just have been the order, or was there something more nefarious at play; would he have finished ahead of the Greek Freak had things not ended in a three-way tie? 

Before realizing it, he had destroyed the entire page with his large hands. At least there were still hundreds of them that he had his friends pick up for him, back when he was certain that he would be getting a large mention. Was this even worth sending to his parents back in Greece? Would they even care about this poor showing of his? 

"Maybe they liked Lady Marmalades better than both of yours. You should be happy that you all shared first prize."

Trying to contain his anger, the Greek left the room to take a bit of breather until something caught his eye that was a bit lower on the newspaper. It was an advertisement that not only sported his name on it but was entirely about him. Instead of storming to where Catherine was handing out The Cooter Times Volume 2, he stormed back into his house and taped the advertisement to the wall where everyone could see as they entered the lovely abode.

"I now personally recommend this newspaper to everyone. It is the best newspaper, although it was on thin ice a little while ago."