The Tabloid News – XLV
Mr. Pickles:  Editor-In-Chief

FROM THE EDITOR

It’s been quite a week for news.  Detroit isn’t doing so well (although I’m sure this is the only time in history The Motor City will experience any problems).  There’s been a problem with some leaky pipes.  There have been rumours of demons going around.  And, of course, there’s the Chess tournament.  I hear the winner will get to spend one night in Bangkok and make the world his oyster.  But, there’s something I must first talk about before we delve further into the news.  The Tabloid News wrote a special edition about The Plumbers.  This has confused some people into thinking that The Tabloid News will abandon her primary focus of bringing to you the truth behind like behind the truth.  And, her secondary focus, bringing you the lies behind the truth behind the lies.  Do not worry, ladies and gentleman and Chuckles.  We will not stray from our path.  We will continue to bring only the highest standard you have become accustomed to.  We will continue to follow LoveGun’s Love Life.  We will continue to expose Chuckle for the dangerous menace to society he is.  We will continue to research the French Maids who clean The Tabloid News offices, and employ facts (or is it supposed to be the other way around?).  So, anyway, on with the news . . .

THE TRUTH BEHIND DETROIT’S EMERALD

The aftermath of the fall of Detroit would make it appear that famed Detroit leader, Emerald, died in a valiant attempt to defend her city as any good crew leader would do.  However, recent conversations with her daughter, Dixie, coupled with pre-war research have revealed a different story.  The truth is that Dixie is the illegitimate daughter between the unholy union of Emerald and a Wereturtle!  No, Dixie should not be an outcast for her mother’s defiance of God and nature, however, it would probably be best to avoid her during a full moon.

The Wereturtle looks like any other man, however they tend to favour the fashion statement of a turtleneck shirt.  Ed. Note – This story has nothing to do with Chicago Capo Turtleneck.  However, on that bright, fully lit moon that shone upon Detroit, Emerald’s lover turned from a mild mannered philatelist into the dangerous Wereturtle that snapped at Emerald with homicidal rage until her unfortunate demise.  Dixie was distraught to learn of her father’s true identity leading to her mother’s death, however, she is a brave young woman with a bright future.  Just keep her away from swimming pools on a full moon.

HOGAN FAILS DRUG TEST AT CHESSLE-MANIA

Famed mustachioed New Yorker was tested for drugs after his latest win in the chess tournament.  Suspicion first arose after this son of a construction foreman and dance teacher from Florida executed the Nimzo-Larsen Attack while blindfolded.  Yes, you read that right, dear readers.  He opened with King’s Knight Pawn to King’s Knight Three!  That was enough for the International Triad of Chess Honesty (ITCH), to test Hogan for drug use.  After the lab results were returned to ITCH, it was discovered that Hogan had unnaturally high levels of Slim-Jims in his blood stream.  When asked for comment, Hogan was quoted as saying, “WHAT IT IS, IS WHAT IT IS!  OH YEEEAHHH! . . . I MEAN, HULKAMANIA BROTHER!!”  It remains unclear if he will be allowed to advance to the next round of the battle royale in the 8x8 arena.

ASK RED WATCH:  ADVICE COLUMN

Dear Red Watch,
I seem to have a problem when I pick people’s pockets.  I tend to do it wrong.  I tried to pick Mr. Pickles’ pocket, and he slapped me then took $2,128,060 from me!  What can I do to improve?
Signed, Mr. B

Dear Brick,
Stop wearing a bright yellow sport coat.  People can see you coming a mile away, and it makes you look like a real estate agent.  Second, buy better shoes.  You squeak every time you walk.  Third, dial it down a notch on the cologne.
Red

Dear Red Watch,
The local deli I like to go to for a good pastrami on rye has recently been selling ham and swiss for $1 less.  You know how I feel about eating pork, but it’s such a deal!  Oy gevald!  What am I to do?
Signed, JJ

Dear Jake,
Quit being meshuge.  Be a mentsh and a good moshl to your mishpokhe.  Spend the extra dollar.  Consider it a mitsve.
Red

LOVE GUN’S LOVE WATCH

Anyone who was paying attention to last issue will know that LoveGun was last seen in a romantic dalliance with Santa Clause and the huge problems that caused Roman.  Our star society columnist has now seen LoveGun entering a hotel by herself.  Upon further investigation, it appears that LoveGun spent the entire evening with two men named Ben & Jerry.  After serious investigation (mostly putting an ear to the door), LoveGun was heard screaming about how wonderful a Chubby Hubby was.  Then she started yelling about Cinnamon Buns!  Finally, she was heard raving about a Dublin Mudslide which is probably best left without description.  She also made several references to the Karamel Sutra.  It is unknown at the time of publication whose overweight spouse this was, and LoveGun could not be reached for comment.

CHUCKLE EXPOSED AGAIN!

Chuckle, infamous editor of the bird-cage liner The Chuckle Knuckle, has yet again proven his evil nature.  Chuckle was seen at the Lincoln Park Zoo in Chicago inside the kangaroo cage bouncing the little baby joeys into their mothers’ pouches like a basketball.  He was also seen dangling them upside down by their little tails over the tiger habitat, much to the confusion of the tigers, since it is well known that a tiger’s best friend in a zoo is a kangaroo.  When grabbed by the zoo keepers, Chuckle said he was holding the mini-roos upside down to remind them what it was like back in Australia.  A restraining order has been issued.

Monet is walking down the street when he sees the good Reverend Mr_Pickles handing out sheets of paper.  Seeing has how Monet enjoys arguing with Pickles he takes a paper from him.

The old man reads over the paper, his milky white eyes struggling to read it. As he continues down the tabloid he chuckles and takes out a cigarette. He puts the cigarette in his mouth, and reads a bit more. He continues and lights the cigarette with one hand, the tabloid in the other. He finishes the paper and holds it up to the cigarette.

It catches fire. Monet lets it drop to the street. 

He looks up at Mr_Pickles and shakes his head. 

Carry on then, at least it's semi-entertaining.

Monet continues to smoke his cigarette and hobbles away, holding onto his cane. 

An entertaining read to pass the time while Chuckle pretends to write his next paper!

The Hulkster takes all the papers and hides them in the trashcan then runs away.

Pickles eyes Monet cautiously . . .

Since it's very obvious that you have cataracts or glaucoma, even to the lay-Pickle, I can't be certain if you are smoking tobacco, or those crazy left-handed jazz cigarettes.  Regardless, your negative opinion will go unheeded.  Of course, any positive feedback will be lauded!

Monet scowls and looks at Mr_Pickles.

Carry on then, at least it's semi-entertaining.

I don't think that's negative feedback, sir. It's at least partly positive!

Nodding to the man at the kiosk he picks up the paper and asks him for his morning coffee before slipping him an unknown bill.  Walking down to the bus stop he sits watching the people as he lowers his fedora and lifts the lapels and collar of his jacket.

Perusing the paper he lets off a chortle making the person next to him look over, before his steely blue eyes stare back at them revealing his face.

Watching the person suddenly leave he goes back to reading the paper, before offering it to a passer by

Smiling as he walks off, he says to himself "damn fine read"

*Mangler picks up the paper, carfully flicking threw the pagers looking at the writing all over the paper*

Wow, I hope they make more of these.

*Mangler smiles to himself as he carrys on walking down the street.*

I must say Mr. Pickles I enjoyed this edition much more than your Plumbers interview, I do not enjoy anyone giving them coverage as they are a bunch of idiots with no purpose or meaning in our way of life. The days of underground groups has long gone and the fact that they call themselves an underground group and yet they are out in the open is somewhat puzzling.

Who'd have thought... Mr. Hogan failing a drug test! :p

Mr_Pickles. I think you are writing much better since you stopped the "juice" and gave it all to Hogan.

A fine and enjoyable read.

Mr. Pickles sits at his desk in his office with an adding machine, an abacus, and a scale.  Paper flies out of the adding adding maching at a furious pace and beads slide back and forth on the abacus, and the scale tips left and right based on the marbles Pickles puts in each tray . . .

After much calculation, Monet, it has been discovered your comments are at least 51% positive, and therefore lauded (at only 51% laudation).

its a rather ...short pickle...

Monet's bushy eyebrows raise at Pickle's comment and he smirks, his wrinkled face crinkling. 

I'm glad you find my comments at least half satisfying. It's not like I told you to stop, my dear boy.  My approval is hard to win, as you should well know by now.

He lights another cigarette and smokes on it slowly. 

Activy was walking down the street and heard that MrPickles was selling a newspaper he had wrote himself.

"So my oldfriend i think i will pick one of them up sir."

Activy passes Pickles some cash and takes a paper and goes and sits down on a bench to read.

"Well my firend such an excellent read!"