2 days ago...

Jesus sat in the alley with a length of 2x4, a saw, some gold paint and a Lee Newman patented Felt tipped Marking pen. Well it looked like Jesus, he had long ratty brown hair, a full beard and wore dirty robes. Jesus was definitely down on his luck. Unseen by anyone, Jesus cut a half inch off the end of the length of 2x4, painted it gold, and left it to dry. He cackled to himself, almost insanely. When he had the full length cut and painted, he took his felt tipped pen and wrote on each golden tablet:

Ticket to Heaven

Satisfied with his work, Jesus stood up and lurched off down the alley.

Last night...

Mickey lurched out of the club and staggered towards the alley. God he needed a piss. At the moment things were grand, but in less than 24 hours he'd curse the day he ever let CLO talk him into trying shrooms. The alley was dark, darker than EvilClown's soul with the shadow of Dr_KennethNoisewater's head falling across it. Feeling his way along the wall, Mickey stopped and decided he was far enough down to relieve the growing pressure on his bladder. Were it not for the loud expletive that came from the pile of rags, it would be hard to believe that any human being could exist in that state, but sure enough, a grime-blackened face emerged from the growing stench of alcohol and body odor. Caught completely off guard, Mickey let out a short shocked 'GeeZeus' and stumbled backwards. The man Simply answered, 'Yes my Child'.

Mickey rubbed his eyes and stared at the man, an unearthly glow surrounding his head like an angelic halo, or it could have been the street light from the end of the alley silhouetted behind the man and shining through the steam leaking from the clubs heating vent.

"Who the fuck are you?"

"You already said, I'm jesus."

"Fuck off, Jesus is dead."

"I am risen my child, crucified on Friday, risen like a nice Muffuletta on Sunday, revealed to my followers, and ascended to the kingdom of my father after 40 days."

"40 days? Why 40 days? What do you want? Why are you here?" Mickey's head raced, well as much as it could race whilst off his face on psychoactive substances. The man laughed, his putrid breath almost as bad as Freyja's singing.

"So many questions my child. Well, I had things to do. I wanted to sow my oats, and get a few drinks with my friends, and I wanted to get so off my face on coke that I couldn't feel the wounds in my hands or feet or the hole in my side. Have you ever been stabbed by a spear? As for why I'm here, its for you Michael J. Haller III, AKA the Lincoln Lawyer. To save your immortal soul, the end of days is coming. Listen closely and do exactly as I say. Take these golden tickets to heaven, go forth and sell them to save God's faithful." The man handed Mickey a sack full of Golden Tickets. Mickey knew they were golden tickets to heaven instantly because, well they were gold, and they had Ticket to Heaven written on them.

"The faithful will recognize you and buy them, allowing them entry to the kingdom of my father on judgement day. You though, you have more work. Take all the money you make from the sale of the tickets, and return to this alley 2 days hence. Here you will find my most trusted disciple, Stevie. Stevie is an Alien, and when you give him all the money, he will take you and one other person to his planet far away... On his flying saucer, erm, and there the truth will be revealed. You see Stevie's planet is made entirely of Crack Cocaine, you can smoke all the crack cocaine there you want… totally free."

"Ok Jesus! Oh and happy Birthday." Mickey staggered blindly from the alley and set off to do the Lord's bidding.

Today, 3 days before Christmas...

Mickey stood on the street corner, selling golden tickets, still wearing the same suit from the previous night. It was slow work, and although the ticket's were only $99.99, Mickey figured that there weren't many of the chosen ready to go to heaven, he'd only sold half a dozen of the tickets, and he had just over half a day to collect the rest of the money and get back to the Alley out the back of The Caberet Supper club.

"Hey man, want to buy a golden ticket to heaven? Jesus is coming, THE END OF THE WORLD IS NIGH!"

While on a money-making mission I was interrupted by a man trying to make some money for himself. By the looks of him he sure enough was in need of a bath and a meal. What I wasn't buying was his sales pitch. I said to the man, "This is utter bullshit man." "Are you high or what?"

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a wad of cash. I saw the man's eyes grow wide. He extended his right hand and I grabbed it, twisting his arm behind his back. 

"Don't even think about it, or you'll be buying a one-way ticket to hell!" 

I left his arm go and told him this is what he is going to do, or I will be back. He rubs his sore arm and nods. 

"I don't know who or how you came up with this scam, but I am going to cover the cost of your remaining tickets without taking your tickets. You will stand here until you have sold every one of those tickets."  "Capeesh?" "I will be watching you!"
 

"Hey man, its not a scam, Jesus gave me these tickets himself to sell. These are genui e tickets to heaven, and Jesus will retun in a few short days to take the chosen few to paradise whilst the non believers will perish and suffer eternal torment in hell, or Birmingham Alabama or somewhere equally as vile."

Mickey, his hands shaking from the DTs, or the hallucinogens still coarsing through his body, takes out a Morley, lights it and crumples up the empty pack dropping it on the ground.

"I don't care what you say man, I didn't do anything wrong, if you wanna get a hard on strong arming someone then take it up with Jesus. I just want to fly into space and smoke free crack cocaine."

Mickey reaches into his pocket and pulls out a baby Alligator and strokes its head before kissing its snout, the aligator trying to take a bite out of his lip and nose.

Alice approached the man giggling at the sight of the baby alligator biting at the mans face.  She wasn't fond of the sticky muggy weather in Alabama and decided she would much rather  go to paradise. So she ruffled in her left  pocket and examined what she had  pulled out. It was 3 half eaten button-shaped mushrooms from the hooka-smoking  Caterpillars mushroom.. and iced cookie that said EATME. well she thought maybe he would trade for her iced cookie at least it wasn't half eaten, and he may find an opportunity where he may need to grow as big asa house. So she offered her EAT ME iced cookie for trade.

"Excuse me Sir" Alice held the EAT ME cookie in her hand it was colorful and bright and had the most scrumptious smell. "Although I may be a non believer of many things, I have believed up to six impossible things before breakfast. I have been to wonderland, but have never seen this place you call Heaven. And I don't like the weather in Alabama very much. Alice held out the bright colored iced EAT ME cookie. Would you trade one of those tickets to heaven  for my magical cookie? If you  find the need to grow as big as house one small bite will do.

Mickey didn't know where he was, or when he was or even if he was. The only thing he knew was his head was pounding like an elephant had been using it as a pouffe, that and he smelled worse than Mr Keating's corpse. He seemed to have a hessian sack filled with something, a gold painted lump of wood in his hand, and the rather disgusting clothes on his back. It was about this time that he became aware of someone talking to him. He tried to focus, but the sun was bright and low in the winter sky, and his eyesight was blurry. The person looked and sounded familiar, and he felt that he should know... her, definitely female, her name, but at the moment he was struggling to remember his own.

As his eyesight started to sharpen he realised the person had a cookie in her hand. She was offering him the cookie for the gold coloured wooden tile. It was then that he learned something else about himself, he was ravenously hungry. Hungrier than he could ever remember being before. He reached up and scratched his chin, about a weeks growth... what the actual fuck? Thinking on his feet he handed the girl... Alice? the wooden tile and hastily took the cookie...

"Thanks... erm Alice."

And with that he ran off towards the setting sun, like a Latin American Lou Ferrigno wearing ripped purple shorts.