"I am @SevereNutAllergy, and I am new to this world.  This is of course an obvious lie, but one that I must maintain if I am not to be gunned down like JohnLennon, JulianLennon, SeanLennon, and so many others.  Thankfully, I was recruited into as an associate of @Don_Drew (for whom I am saving up $1,111,111 to buY off his hit), and Don_Drew is a high-ranking member of @DocHoliday's crew of which I am a loyal member, one who has contributed financially, and would take a bullet for.

Now that we are clear about the blanket of protection under which I write Serious News, we can get on with the actual task of reporting serious news.

LACK OF NEWSWORTHY EVENTS LEADS TO GODFATHERS ARGUING WITH THUGS

The underworld recently watched aghast as a Godfather-Chairman (we are not naming them as we respect Omerta) had a public argument with a now deceased thug, ScentedCandle.  The nub of the argument seemed to be around whether or not complaining was accepable.  This was countered with someone complaining about complaining about complaining.  Whilst those around them watched aghast, the GFCM and thug then began to focus their argument on whether a controversial lawyer was obsessed with a well-known bloodline, or vise-versa.

Shock turned to bemusement when another Godfather got involved, and then the controversial lawyer himself spoke.

Serious News will continue to monitor this situation.

"ALWAYS THE BRIDESMAID" RIGHT-HAND-MAN REVEALS NAME OF SHADOWY UNDERGROUND GROUP

A long-suffering RHM, who has been passed over for promotion to lead a crew whilst seeing the elevation of characters who make the late Monster seem like an erudite professor, recently revealed that there is an underground group, known as the "Kuku-lites."

Accusing this group of being nihilists, he puts forth the proposition that they spread their tentacles all over the Streets, dishing out hatred and menace to those they disapprove of who, according to this wannabe crime boss, is anyone who isn't them.

When challenged by murdered thug ScentedCandle as to who the "Kuku-lites" are, he refused to say, and then began using foul language and justifying the alleged misappropriation of competitive writing community assets.

DISGRACED LAWYER, GODFATHER-CHAIRMAN, DOUBLE DOWN ON COMPETITIVE WRITING COMPETITION PRIZE BEING GIVEN TO INDIVIDUAL NOT ASSOCIATED WITH SAID COMMUNITY, AND WHO HAD NOT ENTERED SAID COMPETITION

"Just following orders" - that is the defence offered by war criminals, and it is also the defence offered by the boss of a controversial lawyer who stands accused of misappropriation.  Seemingly unaware that the lawyer should enter the defence for the crime boss, and not the other way round, it stands to reason that this group of people see nothing wrong with awarding a competition prize to someone who hadn't entered the competition.

Unfortunately, the individuals associated with this ruse are of such power and importance that your roving reporter cannot go further into details, for fear of being killed.

Well, that's it for the first edition of Serious News.  Further stories will feature an analysis of the retirements, and an interview with several leading members of this thing of ours.

Please tip well - and not just financially.  Our aim is to rival the Star Examiner for quality editorial presentation and content.  

With YOUR help, we can make that dream a reality.

Thanks to the generous tipster who gave me $111,111 - I just need another million and I'll be able to protect my protector.  

Alice meandered down the street singing a tune she learned in Wonderland. The Cheshire cat seemingly floating along the ground matching her pace. 

But the complexity of our lives 

doesn’t fit in their headlines

so they need bite-sized pieces of our bodies 

to feed on between dinner and bedtime 

 

So when we see each other on the street 

those headlines

in our head sets

become headnotes

become death stares

become death threats

become the next steps 

towards our best friends’ necks 

becoming breathless 

I can't pretend to understand all this drama or what happened here but I sure do get a good laugh out of it.