??

The past few days had been hard on everyone. Friends had been lost, enemies had been disposed, and members of many established organizations had been called up to battle in defense of family values. But it ended the way it always did, with an overabundance of cold bodies at the city morgue, and a backlog of funerals to attend. Alexandra had just returned from the graveyard, giving her respects to the fallen. The sight at the cemetery had saddened her greatly. There were a few services where crowds of people attended and paid their respects, and many more where no one came to say any final goodbyes and the only people in attendance wore overalls and bore shovels, working diligently to lay another body not to rest, but the state required six feet under.

And in this moment, as she watched the laborers singing their mournful tunes to pass the day and pass the time until they could lay their shovels down, the idea struck her, an idea so brilliant in its simplicity, and yet so obvious as to be curiously overlooked. She came to the streets immediately, not even bothering to change out of her black funeral dress, and black mesh face veil.

Ladies and gentlemen of our fair, if not sometimes cruel cities:

As we go about our daily routine, do not forget life is fleeting and that we too can find ourselves sleeping with the fishes, or resting eternally in a fabric lined wooden box.

With a quick, yet threatening, glance to Andrew_Paxton she added:

And it better be silk, not that cheap cotton shit. Spare no expense. But that's neither here nor there. I digress.

I ask you, is there anything more sad, more depressing than being buried alone with no one there grieving for your poor dead soul? No one shedding tears and crying uncontrollably at you shuffling off this mortal coil, or smiling through the pain to share uproarious tales of your glory days? Whether they're laughing in a nostalgic haze, or struggling to breathe through wracking sobs, shouldn't everyone have that one, final hurrah?

Now you can, with Alexandra Keene's “This WAS Your Life” Post Mortem Oratory Service and Funeral Planning.

For a nominal fee, you can plan the death of your dreams for yourself, or provide a nice ceremony for your parents and recently deceased loved ones. You're not just buying a fabricated friendship, you're buying a sendoff that mourning funeral goers will be talking about for hours if not longer.

With your purchase, paid in full mind you, you can select from a variety of eulogy options, from a loving recollection of the life and times of the dearly departed, to hilarious, and possibly embarrassing stories from their youth and wilder days. Or, I can completely fabricate tales of grandeur and/or defamation in accordance with your wishes, or the wishes of loved ones wanting to give the dead one last loving gift.

Make up for all those missed Mother's Days by giving the old bag a funeral that all her friends in the Garden Society will be jealous of, or prank your friends in death by having the tale told of losing their virginity to their second cousin in their uncle's 1920 LaFayette Sedan.

Did your folks amount to nothing more than a petty gangster, killed for their ineptitude? Grease my palms and I'll tell the masses how your old man went down in a blaze of glory to make the Valentine's Day massacre look like a series of unfortunate papercuts.

Preplan and give yourself, or someone else, the death of a lifetime.

They say money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you friendship.

I'm Alexandra Keene and I want to be your friend.

I could use one eventually.  How much are you charging?  I'd love it to be all about me and my glorious exploits, robbing the graves of everyone's NPMs.

Alex cocked her head slightly at the first listener to speak up and inquire about her newest venture. With a coy smile, she shook her head.

I'm glad you asked, actually, though I won't answer you here. I realize the irony of a woman standing on the street corner offering to sell her time and company, but I feel that openly discussing matters of compensation is bawdy and unbecoming. I wouldn't want people to get the wrong idea. I'm sure you understand.

She put her finger up to her mouth and tapped her painted lips pensievely.

I can tell you that prices vary based on the amount of involvement, planning, and any fabrication on my part. Prices would include an initial consultation, an approval of the eulogy in its nearly completed stage, and payment plans would be available on a case by case basis. Payment would still have to be rendered before any funeral services would take place.

Alexandra replaces her hand on her purse, and opens the clasp. Inside the small handbag, she rummages until she pulls out a crisp card with her initials emblazoned on the cream card stock.

I can do face to face meetings, but I prefer to handle things in writing through the post, to document any and all agreements. If you'd like to do business, you can contact me through the mail.

With a smile, she held out the card in a black lace gloved hand.

I hope to hear from you soon.