Creative Crew News: Second Edition!

Publisher: Raylan

Editor-In-Chief: Tiabeanie

Managing Editor: Hunter

February 17th

Welcome back to all of our loyal readers. We here at CCN, in a world packed full of fake news, strive to provide the public even more news. We do hope you're all doing well and thank you for your continued support. 

Nearly Fatal Bee Sting!

This report comes directly from the newsroom as in the late afternoon our very own Publisher Raylan was brutally attacked. A very large Bee flew into the newsroom with hatred in it's eyes as it charged Raylan. It was clear that this insect's motive was one thing and one thing alone: Murder. Raylan was fast to react, as to be expected, and dodged the fatal sting. Without any further hesitation Raylan slapped the shit out of it leaving a splatter on the wall resembling an early Jackson Pollock piece.

Witness to the event was our very own Editor-In-Chief Tiabeanie, who gave the following statement. "That fucking bee was huge. When I saw it charge at my glorious overlord I feinted at the thought of losing him... that's.. that's all I recall." It was obvious even recalling the event was possibly too much for her to bear. Another witness to the event, Mr. Joe_Rogan stated, "I couldn't believe it, my eyes nearly popped straight out of my skull. Wow!" We would like to assure the readers that our Publisher and entire staff are completely unharmed and will continue to strive to bring only the best news.

Local Lawyer takes on Big Pharma!

Reports from taken from Cook County public record show that a Chicago lawyer is taking one of the largest pharmaceutical conglomerates to court in the following week. Sources say that Lincoln_Lawyer will be suing producers of the nations largest prescription laxatives. Lincoln stating on record that the prescribed medication gave the opposite than intended effect leading to further health issues. Lincoln provided the following statement to a CCN correspondent, "I hadn't shat in weeks. I've never been so bloated in my life. I go in to get help, and the medication they give me has me stopped up another two weeks. When I finally was able to shit it looked like I was giving birth to a bowling ball." When asked what the further health issues caused by the medication were, Lincoln refused to comment and walked away with an obvious look of shame on his face. We will continue to cover this top legal battle in the Mid West.

Hidden Fortune?

For decades many households have passed on the story of a hidden fortune from a long since passed royal bloodline. It's a tale as old as time, and for that reason quickly discounted. The very idea of a hidden treasure laughed at. However, our sources have discovered that a young woman known to some as Simplicity may have stumbled upon that very thing. Reports show that the young woman was seen negotiating the sea transport of various large items, items kept confidential from even our best sources. We at CCN reached out for a comment, but were declined outright. One Source overheard a close friend of hers, who shall remain nameless, state, "Oh yeah, she's loaded. She told me all about it. I'm about to hit her up for a loan right now"! CCN will continue to follow this story and asks it's readers to mail in any tips or information they may have to bring light to this mystery.

Magical Healing Properties!

A South Side Savior has been the talk of Philly this week as reports of a man with magical abilities is coming to light! The man only known as Voodoo is rumored to have magical properties capable of healing the sick, predicting the future and even male enlargement. This is great news for the people of the city of Brotherly Love. However, there are also rumors that this man can use his abilities for evil. One local Philadelphia man had this to say: "I went in there alright. I paid him and asked for a bigger pecker. Wham! I'm a stallion now! Then I go home and after the first night my wife hobbled out of the house with all her shit and left me! Ain't no way he's not behind this man! No way!?" Though the report seems overwhelmingly hopeful, we at the CCN urge our readers to remain cautious of such magic.

Local Chicago Butcher Under Investigation!

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration reported it's launch of a new investigation into local Chicago Butcher, Bacon, after reports of meat produce containing 'some human remains'. The FDA did not provide it's sources for this serious allegation, nor did they provide any statement other than refusing until the investigation is complete. However, CCN coorispandant interviewed many Chicago natives in the area of The Butchershop and received the following statements concerning the food quality. One older man stated, "Oh my God The Butchershop? Oh I've been eating there for years! Best fucking meat you can put in your mouth. I put Bacon's meat in my mouth every night." Another young woman stated this, "Have you seen his sausage? It's absolutely mouth watering. I come for it everyday." With conflicting reports on the matter CCN will urgently continue to cover the story and provide quick updates to you, the readers.

Remarks from the Editor-In-Chief Tiabeanie: "I did not say tha.."

As the Managing Editor, I'd like to take this opportunity, to invite you, very kindly, to piss off. 

Getting Hydra a Girlfriend

Well, ladies. Have I got a guy for you! Hydra is single and looking to mingle. It’s going to be a long line for this one, but now it’s time for you to shoot your shot. Hydra is looking for a lady to bring home. He wants a traditional marriage. He’ll work really hard and keep you dressed in furs. He just needs a lady. Some might call this a personal ad. I’d prefer calling it a lottery. I don’t know who he’ll choose. Some of you might be winners. Maybe more than one of you. It’s up to him.

Also 3/10 for effort on that response, Hunter

Buys two copies of the newspaper. Bacon quite enjoyed the coherent and worthwhile read. The competition newspaper by editor KuKu had been publishing garbage.

The streets finally had a newspaper with legitimate content the Chicago butcher thought to himself. 

Bacon continued to read the newspaper while drinking his morning cup of coffee all while sharpening his knives for the day.