Creative Crew News: Fourth Edition!

Publisher: Raylan

Editor-In-Chief: Tiabeanie

Managing Editor: Hunter

February 19th

Welcome back to all of our loyal readers. We here at CCN, in a world packed full of fake news, strive to provide the public even more news. We do hope you're all doing well and thank you for your continued support. 

Cuntville!

Breaking news out of Los Angeles as a local man by the name of Vali has established an autonomous zone. This zone is comprised of a half dozen city block within Downtown, LA. Sources spoke with Vali who claimed that the area is completely self sustaining and serves as a 'safe space' for anyone feeling just too emotional about the world and 'can't even anymore'. A CCN coorispandant spoke with one resident with multi colored hair and a nose ring within the zone who had this to say, "We got it good here in Cuntville, We have a massive food supply of left overs we found in dumpsters, we've almost figured out how to completely turn urine into drinking and shower water, and there's almost less violence than you could possibly imagine." Los Angeles officials have condoned the established zone, however no steps have been taken at this time to dismantle Cuntville.

Chicago Man arrest: Drunk and Disorderly. 

A Chicago man, Westmoreland, was arrested this evening by Chicago Police Department for Drunk and Disorderly in a public space. Reports state police arrived on scene after multiple complaints of an elderly white male shouting at passersby to 'take cover' and 'take the high ground'. All while waiving a Colt 1911 pistol in the air. The man did resist arrest telling responding officers that they need to 'get the fuck off me! I'm a General God damnit!' and 'You'll all be court-martialed for this!' However, CPD did not charge the man for resisting stating they do not stand by the idea of stacking additional charges on someone clearly suffering from a mental crisis. 

Man leaves his mark on Detroit!
 

For weeks now mysterious 'mushroom-like' symbols have been popping up around the city of Detroit. Some believed it to be the work of juveniles expressing themselves through graffiti. Only recently have sources shown that one full grown man, SladeWilson, is solely responsible. In an effort to 'leave his mark', Wilson allegedly would walk the city streets at night with a plastic cup filled with paint of various colors. Once Wilson believed he was completely out of sight of the public Wilson would pull his penis out, dip said penis into the cup of paint, then violently slap his penis against the object he wished to mark. One witness spoke to CCN had this to say, "He just looked like a regular ol' perv walking around with some mysterious liquid in a cup. He ain't bothered no one. He just suddenly whooped out his dick... and you know.. yeah that shit ain't cool man."

Newfound Royalty.

Though still very much in her youth at 23 years old, Las Vegas resident Cyka has ascended to the title of Queen. An interesting occurrence for an American citizen. CCN investigated the reports and determined it to be true. Cyka married a Nigerian Prince, in an effort to help said prince retain his rightful position for the throne. However, as the prince ascended to King last week, he died suddenly in his sleep for what Nigerian authorities are calling 'Natural Causes'. With the King dead, and no legitimate heirs to the throne, Cyka was given the title of Queen of Nigeria by right of marriage. When asked to comment Cyka had this to say, "I've always been a Queen and I always will be, now it's just official." Truly fitting for someone of her age, look out world.

Neighborhood Karen at it again.

In light of yesterday's issue of CCN News, Grace wasted no time at all in filing a civil lawsuit against CCN for defamation of character. It would seem that though CCN stands by it's reporters and correspondents, Grace feels as though she was misrepresented in a poor light. Making her opinions known, as Karens do, without any delay, rationalizing the situation, or all in all just thinking before she spoke. Publisher of CCN, Raylan himself, had this to say, "If you don't understand my work, you lack the intellect for a conversation with me." He then walked into his office and drank his tea while reviewing today's news without a second thought.

Remarks from the Editor-In-Chief, Tiabeanie: "Oh yeah, she's full of 'Grace'!"

For weeks now mysterious 'mushroom-like' symbols have been popping up around the city of Detroit. Some believed it to be the work of juveniles expressing themselves through graffiti. Only recently have sources shown that one full grown man, SladeWilson, is solely responsible. In an effort to 'leave his mark', Wilson allegedly would walk the city streets at night with a plastic cup filled with paint of various colors. Once Wilson believed he was completely out of sight of the public Wilson would pull his penis out, dip said penis into the cup of paint, then violently slap his penis against the object he wished to mark. One witness spoke to CCN had this to say, "He just looked like a regular ol' perv walking around with some mysterious liquid in a cup. He ain't bothered no one. He just suddenly whooped out his dick... and you know.. yeah that shit ain't cool man."

Lancelot picks up a copy of the CCN News from a near by bench, he starts to mutter something under his breath..

"Mushrooms you say, well thanks for clearing that up they were so small I was wondering what they were and as for the eye witness wow that's some eyesight you got there even a Hawk would struggle to see that shit"

Bacon eagerly waited for the next newspaper publication. Each edition was better than the last he thought to himself. Hopefully the streets don’t have to wait long for further joyful adventures and narratives.

While the butcher pondered on when’s this would occur, he prepared to sharpen his knives for use that day in his butcher shop. Pausing only to briefly to take a sip of his morning coffee or to flip the newspaper page. On learning of Westmoreland being admitted into a mental institution,  Bacon was immediately taken aback by the unfortunate news. The idea that this person was even allowed to carry, let alone own a firearm in his age and condition, was frightening to say the least.

The mafioso pig hoped the man was finally getting the help he so desperately needed.