As you wander down the street, read your copy of the Wheeler testament, sit in your favourite coffee shop or drink or drive or drink and drive, you hear static come over the radio. Before a dull but very official sounding voice begins:

“This is a public service announcement from your lord and saviour, Wheeler.”

The voice fades out to some hymnal music, before a new voice begins to speak.

“My Children! I speak to all of you. Be you faithful or be you an ignorant heathen.

There is a plague growing amongst us. A plague of RATs in our fair nation! In an effort to build awareness of this RAT plague, i have decided i will begin collecting for a RATtery! A what? I hear you ask. A pottery for a lottery. A fund for a crusade against RATs! But rather than drawing lots, we will instead be taking shots. Shots at RATs! And whoever kills the most of these vermin each day that this is ran will win the grand prize! If there is enough uptake to make this worthwhile, in coming events, this pot may be split (proportionately) between the top 3 shooters!

It will be exactly one (1) credit to be entered into the pot, and for every one (1) spot purchased 0.85 of a credit will be added to the prize fund! Where does my other 0.15 credits go you might ask? Well, charitable as the Church of Wheeler truly is, I have decreed that 0.1 of the 0.15 shall be immediately put aside to go towards flying refugees out from Delaware, a city which has been particularly hard hit by this RAT menace. (It will take 5000 tickets purchased to fund a full evacuation of 3000 refugees, so donations specifically towards the Delaware Refugee fund will be graciously accepted). The other 0.05 (Equivalent to $25,000 a ticket) will be taken into the Church of Wheelers Coffers, to fund staff payment, building upkeep, services etc, etc.

I have prayed to and communed with god (also known as Izzy), the creator of our world, for his strength and support in these trying times and he has blessed me with the knowledge that he himself will confirm who amongst you has sent the most RATs down to hell in any twenty four hour period in which a RATtery takes place and who therefore will be blessed with untold riches both in this life and the next! So do not worry yourselves about us here at the church of Wheeler collecting your information or about corruption amongst the church, for there is no room for corruption before the eyes of god.

It should please me that the first RATtery be held exactly one week from now on the nineteenth of March (Mar 19) from 00:00 hours until 24:00 hours. Anyone wishing to pledge their support (and send in their credit) for this crusade will be able to do so until 18:00 hours on the eighteenth of March (March 18) to allow for processing. Any applications after this time will not be accepted and may still be charged.

Please address any questions surrounding this Rattery or send any entry fees with the reference - RATtery to myself at the Church Of Wheeler, Chicago.

Go in peace my children.”

At this, the dull voice from before returns, quickly reeling off the following:

“Despite being called a RATtery, all Rogue’s/Roguette’s shot between the hours of 00:00 and 24:00 (MR Time) on the 19th of March will count towards your end score in the RATtery. Currently the top registered scorer in the round will receive the full prize pot, except for in the event of a draw, in which the top scorers will have the prize fund split between them equally. Dependant on uptake, in future RATterys multiple places/winners may be declared, this will be made clear and the ratio that the prize fund will be split will be announced as the RATtery is announced.
 

Wheeler reserves the right to play himself, and should he wish to play, will pay .85 to the prize pot and .15 to the Delaware Refugee fund to allow him to do so. Wheelers playing will in no way influence who the winner may be, as Izzy himself will confirm this. Delaware Refugee funds and the Prize Fund will be kept track of separately to Wheelers personal credits.”

Due to a slow (non-existant) uptake on the RATtery and rumours that the Church of Wheeler might be using this competition as a way to gather intelligence on peoples shooting abilities and that Wheeler expects people to send him the figures on how many rats they have delivered judgement upon, Wheeler feels as though he should clarify things and send out a letter to all citizens of America.

The letter is posted through letter boxes, pinned to notice boards, put in windows.

“Greetings my children. It has been brought to my attention that some of you are ‘rightfully’ concerned that the Church is attempting to use this event to gather some information regarding the contests entrants shooting ability. I would like to take this opportunity to clarify that this could not be further from the truth and that neither I, nor the church as a whole wishes to do so. Being omniscient i foresaw this problem arising, and as stated in my original radio broadcast, will not be requesting any information from contestants. Not least of all because such information could be falsified by some unscrupulous individuals for financial gain.

I petitioned God (Izzy) for his aid in this matter and God (Izzy) himself confirmed that he can and will reveal to me whom the winner is. God (Izzy) will not be revealing how many RATs that person shot. Simply that they shot the most. As far as anyone will know, the most equates to one or more over however many they themselves or their most dead eyed compatriot shot. This could be down to luck and time put in as much as skill and as this is only for one 24 hour period at a time, will have minimal impact on peoples knowledge of others shooting abilities. Afterall, do we not all put more effort in when there is money on the line?

So i say to you my children, worry not. Your actions will be judged by god and no other.

If this is still a concern for you, simply ask when you send in your credit and i will not announce the winner, but rather the family in which the contestant belongs and ask your crew leaders or their hands to confirm on your behalf that you have recieved the prize fund.

As a man of god, i can only give you my word that should this be the route we go down, i will not share any details about your having been the winner with anyone other than yourselves and your crew leaders/their hands. May god strike me down should I be found to break this promise.

”Go in peace my children” - Wheeler

Vladimir overheard the man in the streets shooting about some sort of event for the following weekend. He was speaking as if he was a man of the faith but he sure didn't dress the type. He was a shirtless, very well fit man. Not many men of the clergy were fit like him, nor did any not walk around shirtless. Nonetheless, all that really mattered was what Wheeler was talking about. This public service announcement was indeed an interesting one as many people in this world enjoyed shooting during the RATs.

"I applaud you for doing this comrade Wheeler. I'll try my best to make it around for the event and participate. In the meantime, accept a small token of appreciation. Consider it as a gift from the Tinseltown Tables Management, SammySoul and I. I hope your event does better than my own personal showing in our Poker Game the other night."

Vlad shook the man's hand in a kind gesture and stepped away. When he did, a flock of women stepped forward to listen to the God filled man. "I guess if you want people to listen to your sermon, be a fit and shirtless", he said under his breath.

Wheeler, in a state of mild undress, happened to be preaching to a star-struck crowd as a Russian sounding man approached him. Wheeler looked into the mans soul and decided that it was good, and Wheeler knew the man. Vladimir was his name. Wheeler often found that preaching whilst shirtless allowed him to connect more readily to the energy of both the world and the crowds before him. It was almost as if he could feel them, know them… And after all, it was commanded that one should go forth and multiply, and multiply Wheeler would. Being half undressed already only helped save time.
 

Wheeler smiled serenely at Vladimir as he spoke, and handed over a sum of 25 credits before beginning to walk away. As he did, Wheeler spoke.

”Thank you for your generous donation Vladimir my child. Truly Los Angeles is the city of angels, for its people to hold such generosity in their hearts. You have my thanks, for these funds shall surely save the lives of many in Delaware! If only all were quite so generous, we might change the world!”

As Vladimir disappeared from view, the crowd surrounding Wheeler closed in. So many souls to save. So many lives to multiply.

A public service announcement from Wheeler sounds out from the radios once more. 
 

“My children, unfortunately, due to no uptake and to recent events, including the terror attacks that have been performed by the rogues amongst us and the miraculous resurrection of multiple victims and perpetrators it is with great sorrow that i must announce the RATtery cancelled. Collections for the Delaware Evacuation fund have been returned to the gracious donors who had given of their wealth for the benefit of others. It is my hope that once peace and stability returns to our land that i may offer to organise a RATtery once more. Until then.

Go in peace my children and may the coming strife passover your doors.”