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Funerals were rarely a happy occasion, and this one was no exception. Alexandra Keene stepped up to the hastily erected podium just behind the refrigerator where the recently departed Klint lay in eternal rest. She pulled an embroidered handkerchief from between her breasts and dabbed lightly at her teary eyes.
"Friends, relatives, and animal lovers, welcome and thank you for joining me in sending off Klint to the great beyond. We are certainly sad to see him go, but as we know all too well, good things must come to an end, and even more commonly known, all great movies have a tragically mediocre sequel. On a completely unrelated note, I'd like to acknowledge -Klint, the departed's only son, who is in attendance today. What our now dead friend lacked in naming creativity, he made up for with his truly fantastic and seemingly surreal life."
"Klint was an adventurous boy, with an affinity for animals at an early age. He loved his pet dog, Klinton, and his kitten, Klinty Kat, and often told his family of his abilities to speak with his beloved pets. While they did not believe him, the United States Army caught wind of the boys tales and decided to recruit him for their then top secret Mammalian Espionage Division."
"Klint was sent to a remote Soviet outpost where he communed with native bears to learn their ways and their language. It was there he met Magneto_, sent to the same outpost to research electric powered metal iceboxes, and the ability to stick tiny messages and coupons to their surface using his strange and special powers. Klint and Magneto_ became comrades in arms, and Klint grew to respect his friend greatly, even after Magneto_ completed his service and returned home to supplement his pension income with side business of a COMPLETELY LEGITIMATE AND COMMUNITY ENRICHING NATURE.
Her eyes focusing momentarily on two Federal Agents in attendance, Alexandra clears her throat and continues.
"While finishing out his service, Klint met a beautiful looking woman, Klintoris, whom me married. He gave her a green card, and she gave him a son."
"Upon returning stateside, Klint looked up his old friend Magneto_ to inquire about a job, and was quickly granted one. Though Magneto_ was now a VERY SUCCESSFUL APPLIANCE SALESMAN, he rushed to help his friend, but could only get him a job snatching pur-- helping old ladies cross the street while advertising the benefits of upgrading to a brand new Frigidaire. Happy to be working with his friend once again, Klint took the job and bought a home for his wife and son. To make their family a home and because of his fondness for animals, he also adopted a squirrel, which he named Klinnut."
"Things looked well for Klint and his family, until one unfortunate day when Klintoris began craving a grilled cheese sandwich. Klint, happy to oblige, turned on the stove, but was dismayed that the range would not seem to light, though the gas supply was sufficient. Improvising on the fly, he started to preheat the oven, intent on giving his bride a warm cheese sandwich, if not grilled."
Noting that the Special Agents had finally left, Alex breathes a sigh of relief.
"Five minutes an a horrible smelling kitchen later, Klint opened the oven to find the source of the offensive odor. His pet Klinut, who had taking a liking to sleeping in the oven had been napping when Klint turned on the heat. Distraught at killing an animal with whom he'd shared a kindred spirit, Klint fled the house to Magneto_'s residence and begged his friend and now boss to end his misery. He could not go on living after such an atrocity. Magneto_ saw his friend in pain, and did what anyone of us would do; put a bullet between his eyes and pushed him into a brand new Frigidair Coolbox 200 like the one before me, which Magneto_ has informed me are on sale this week for an amazing twenty percent off."
"Per his final wishes, Klint will be interred with the crispy remains of Klinut, may they both rest in peace. Thank you all for attending. A small reception will be held in the alleyway. Please welcome yourself to fruit punch and grilled cheese sandwiches."
"Amen." |
