Gazza kicks a bottle an impressive distance, and begins to address the startled crowd...

"Today, I will be doing two things.  I will be revealing one truth, and speculating on another.  But for today, and for several days, the days should be spent mourning the deaths of many great people in general (and some not so great ones), but we must commemorate and eulogise one man in particular. That man is not John_Fareham (about whom more later), but the late Don of Chicago: Constipated (Con).

Let us get one quick revelation out of the way: I am Gazza.  My grandfather was John_Fareham (John).  John was of the Kuku lineage.  He kept this carefully hidden from most, but Con knew. 

John wished for nothing more than a clean sweep.  A chance to prove himself.  Con gave John that opportunity, and John seized it with both of his manly hands.  John was a right-hand-man (RHM) to Con.  They were a good team.  Con's simplistic demands distilled via John's legendary charm and charisma.

And then came the event which shocked this world that we live in.  Four men in suits told a jovial story.  Despite being a jovial man, Con murdered John, and then the killings began. Four men in suits retired. Con announced his retirement, but then went back on his word, proving that his honour was as stable as his status as a jovial man.  Deaths followed.  Followers of John demanded a sit-down, at which they would have been satisfied with an apology, and perhaps a billion dollars in reparations.  But Con, as stubborn as he was unhumourous, held out.  Followers of John struck at Con, killing many associates of Con.  The killings carried out by followers of John are simply too numerous to recount here, but by our estimation, about a fifth of all of the recent deaths were carried out by those with a connection to John.

Despite the avoidable carnage caused by Con's inane lack of diplomacy, it is important that we, the followers of John, are magnanimous in our victory. 

Therefore, I will give a eulogy to Con:

Eulogy to Con

Con came to the attention of the masses when he appointed John_Fareham to be his RHM. 

John was a newspaper magnate of some notoriety, bringing stories that afflicted the comfortable and comforted the afflicted.  Con's profile was instantly raised, and people began to take notice of him.  Con was celebrated for his strategic genius. Let's talk about what kind of man Con was.  Con was a friendly, essentially decent man.  He cared about people.  Not all people, perhaps a minority of people, but be did care.  He was chatty. 

John respected Con, and Con respected John.  Con defended John, and John defended Con.  Con and John could have gone on and on, and on and on, had Con not felt John's laughter wasn't on.  A good friend of Con was the father of Chris_Vaughn.  The grandson of John would love to be friends with Chris_Vaughn, but a lack of contact suggests Chris's allegiances remain with Con.  The grandson of John respects the wishes of Chris_Vaughn, and hopes that Chris will work closely with the son of the late, great Con.

Con worked hard.  What he lacked in vision, strategy, and charm, he made up for in dogged, determined, mundane hard work.  And that's why him and John were the perfect match. Until Con killed John. But John would have liked Con, had Con not killed him. 

And all of you should like Con, for he was a nice man. And that's how we should remember Con.  A nice man. I invite you to share your memories of Con. RIP, Con.  I hope you're laughing, finally, in heaven."

Grace rolled her eyes when the following line was spoken, 

 He kept this carefully hidden from most, but Con knew. 

and then without bothering to listen further she just said, "Mate, we all knew." before walking off a bit sad that she was no longer the greatest attention seeker these shores had ever known.