Now that the John_Fareham Memorial All-Star Team has been established as a certified and widely-respected mafia basketball organization, it is time to do a little bit of recruitment. As you can see, there are a lot of people out there without a crew. The problem with that, however, is that it is difficult to gauge the basketball abilities of hundreds of emaciated, homeless mafia orphans. I fear putting a dumbbell in your hands may break them, and that is a lawsuit this organization does not need right now, in this economy. So, I would like to list the things we need and, in turn, what we can provide.

What we are looking for:

SKILL

POWER

SPEED

AGILITY

BIG HANDS

EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF THE TRIANGLE OFFENSE

ALSO: A QUALIFIED HR DEPARTMENT

What we can offer:

The FUNNIEST lounge comments, even funnier than Honesty's

Full set of JFMAST gear

The honor of serving under a head coach who has survived wack attempts from the likes of Skitzo and NicosiaAmalfi

Great workouts with the best of friends

A sanctuary free from Wilhelm_Von_Fluff complaining about everything

A college education

My assistant coach FrizzleFry will be overseeing public tryouts. 

Gazza, I assure you this war had nothing to do with John Fareham. You were misinformed. 

You will have to address that question to those who lied to you. This was in the makings long before the existence of John Fareham. 

Diseased, please introduce yourself by your name and favored position, coach FrizzleFry will see you through the administrative process before your try-out. 

As a Made Man, HeadCoach, you have my respect, but I don't like you and I know you for what you are, a fat weasel. 

With that said, I have to admit to being intrigued by what it is you claim to offer. My current employer, Caveman, has appointed a RHM who isn't even capable of hitting the pro-wackers of the other side, as a result, I've refused to pro wack him. I suspect this is a similar situation you found yourself in when asked to pro Constipated. Quite the epiphany for me.

Anyway, this embarrassing saga has led me to consider free agency in the near future and, I know we've been at odds in the past on account of your despicable treachery, but, do you really offer funnier lounge comments than Honesty? I find that hard to believe and need a bit of persuasion. You see, I have recently looked at Honesty's work and he has a terrible and frankly racist joke as his opening salvo. How can you even hope to better it?

I'm glad you are slowly coming around to my side, Ogreface. In that sense, you are proving to be very different from my wife, who lives in my house but does not love me. Like any good coach, I am a man of my word. Whatever your preference, we've got it. My assistant coach FrizzleFry can beat the funny out of the most humorless stone, he is - as they say - "as jovial as [he is] and likes good humor and has acknowledged such". 

We are prepared to offer you a lucrative deal to end up in 12th Street, if free agency is a route you choose to pursue. Your now notorious street corner proclaiming me to be the greatest traitor in world history notwithstanding, you seem like a fairly positive recruit for our organization.

Ogreface so long as I’ve got my boxes checked here on my trusty rusty clipboard, we can move forward with that contract.
 

Winning Attitude: Check

Loyalty: You admitted yourself that you refused to offer up a protection shot to your Don’s Right Hand Man in a time of conflict. This doesn’t bode well. Fortunately, HeadCoach appreciates this as he also politely declined to serve a protection shot to Constipated, the recently deceased Godfather. So you’re in luck. Check.

Physique: Ok maybe we don’t need to have all these boxes checked.

The negotiation ball is now in your court Ogreface (PUN INTENDED). But negotiate wisely. Free agent or not, there aren’t a lot of teams out there to pick from, unless you want to play for some minor league amateur team with a scab coach.

FrizzleFry, I appreciate you coming out here again. I know our last interaction didn't go that well and, as agreed by our settlement, I won't mention you being the descendant of a certain notorious intern hitlister. I would also like to place on record my thanks for your generous and prompt consideration in relation to it:

You were transferred 1.00 credits by an anonymous benefactor. The note "FrizzleFry is from Terrah's bloodline. Guess you know her like you thought you did" was included.

I have to say, I am continuing to be impressed by your organization. Not the person running it - my thoughts on him are well known at this stage I think (TRAITOR) - but it is hard to ignore the rapid growth you have been enjoying. Especially impressive when you're at 70% capacity whilst the likes of Ian "Illuminatiated" O'Keefe, can only boast a meagre 50% take up rate, even with Godly protection. Maybe he should have spent less time moping in dimly lit bars, eh?

My own Don, Caveman, remains unimpressive (although his 63.33% capacity still trumps Ian's) and I'll have to see what package is on offer here if I choose to stay in New York.