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Mar 29 - 01:13:31
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Jersey Retirement Ceremony Started by: HeadCoach on May 03, '22 21:05

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a John Fareham Memorial All-Star Team jersey retirement ceremony.

We are gathered here today to celebrate the career of our most recently deceased teammate, Gazza. He was a good teammate. A better friend. A perfect lover (according to reports). They say he was to the beast with two backs what he was to shooting allies' pro-wackers; a master. They say he could kill 4, even 5, pro-wackers from his own side with nought but a single surreptitious glance. Like all members of the JFMAST, he was the best at what he did, and what he did was murder people he was definitely made aware were not supposed to be murdered. 

While the rest of the team performs fucking wicked trick plays, alley-oops and slam dunks, I would like to read a short poem I have composed for Gazza.

 

You were my friend,

And now you are dead,

But soon this war will be over,

And you will still be dead. 

 

What I've always said about poetry is that it is useless and stupid and the lack of solace these couplets bring me is, frankly, infuriating.

I would now like to (between the legs) pass the floor over to whoever would like to mourn next.

Before I go, I would also like to add that you may be noticing how crazy hot and muscular the rest of the team looks in our sweet custom team suits, and I'd just like to give a shoutout to the tailors back home in 12th Street for managing to accomodate our stupidly thick necks and huge thighs on such short notice. You guys are the real heroes.

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"I think that it is only right to honour those, enemies or allies, who fell to the gun of Gazza.  If a district could be a metaphorical arts event, Gazza made 12st Street a Writing Competition.

Those who entered this metaphorical writing competition include: Honesty; Sergio_Ramos; Weezer; Elana; Skitzo, and many others.

Gazza received many war briefings, but didn't need them.  He worked off of instinct.

Boat drinks, Gazza.  

Boat drinks."

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Conqueeftador walks into the room to a roaring applause and bust out a massive squat causing his dress pants to begin bursting at the seams against his impressive girth. 

Thank you all for joining us here today. We are here to remember the passing of a legend, Gazza. Now I didn't get to ball much ball with him, but God damn I respect his hustle and dedication to not only the team but the whole dang sport. 

I hope you're enjoying leg day up in heaven big guy! This season is for you!

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Barnabas walks to the front of the crowd and begins to speak about the great Gazza and his beautiful girthliness. 

 

"Gazza was a man of many talents and extraordinarily massive muscles. He'll forever be remembered for not just his extreme girth and physical abilities but also his dedication and loyalty to his coach and his team. He was known as many things, such as Gazza or "an amazing and extremally awesome bodybuilder". But to me, I know him as a hero. The hero who unfortunately had to hung up his jersey forever for his team and is now playing the big basketball game in the sky. 

To the weak twig-like person who killed him, we know you were just jealous of his beautiful specimen. You will never be like him and he deserved to live more than you. 

And to those who fell to his gun, rest in peace. However, Your falling was necessary to ensure fitness standards in this community of mafiosos. Let that be a lesson to the rest of you to stay as fit as you possibly can. Perhaps join our team for our morning 15 mile jog.  

Rest in Peace Gazza, we'll remember you forever. "

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A team is only as strong as it’s weakest link, and now we must move forward without ours.
 

A tear streaks down Assistant Coach FrizzleFry’s cheek as he looks up at the jersey, hung proudly in the gymnasium and salutes

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HeadCoach euro-steps back into the spotlight

Look at this assortment of athletes, outstanding. I can think of no tribute more fitting to Gazza's memory than the smorgasbord of biceps on display here today. Mere days on the JFMAST training regime and these guys are looking like high-class escorts dropping hesi dribbles and fadeaways like Ogreface dropped his lease on life. I am so proud of each and every one of you, and I know Gazza is too. 

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I didn't know Gazza. Gazza didn't know me. And yet, I feel like I lived, loved and laughed through him. For me, his crowning achievement in life was when he turned up on the first day of hostilities with a fishing rod and a bucket of lukewarm chicken. 

 

God speed, Gazza. I'm sure if you could do it all again you'd still spend all your time relieving the constipation from your life.

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Hollywood hears about a Hall of Fame inductee ceremony and decides it would be better if he attended. He shows up in a nice black suit and a white tie. He interrupts Hobbs who was rambling on about Constipation and decides to wish Gazza a farewell as well. 

NOW LETS GET ONE THING STRAIGHT HEADCOACH, WHEN SPEAKING ABOUT BICEPS ON DISPLAY, THERE ARE NO BIGGER BICEPS THEN THOSE OF THE HOLDER OF THE 24 INCH PYTHONS AMIGO! BUT HOLLYWOOD KNOWS WHERE THERE IS A FELLOW NWO-ITE IN HIS MIDST AND KNOWS THAT HE HAS TO COME OUT AND FLEX WITH HIM ONE LAST TIME BROTHER! YOU SEE SOMETHING DUDE, WHEN REFERENCING EXTRAORDINARY MUSCLES YOU KNOW HOLLYWOOD HAS TO COME AND PAY HOMAGE MAN! 

Hogan flexes momentarily and then shakes violently as he continues to speak. 

I CANT SAY I KNOW A LOT ABOUT SENOR GAZZA OR WHERE HE CAME FROM BUT IF THESE STORIES SHARED ARE TRUE THAN HE HAS MY FULLY HOLLYWOOD RESPECT! SO WITH THAT, I WOULD LIKE TO PRESENT HIS FORMER LEADER, HEADCOACH WITH AN AUTOGRAPHED HOLLYWOOD HOGAN SHIRT FOR HIS COURAGEOUS LEADERSHIP AND PASTORAL NATURE IN THIS TIME OF HURT AND SORROW BROTHER. 

Hollywood pulls a shirt out and hands it to the HeadCoach. It was an xxxxxxL shirt with the words "4 Life" and Hogans name autographed upon it. Hogan feared that the shirt may be a bit too small for Head Coach but figured if nothing else he could display it at his headquarters as conversational piece. He smiles and then proceeds to flex as he walks out to get some tasty treats from the refreshment stand.  

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Hogan, looking hella vascular, brother, kudos. Thank you for the shirt. Although I am contractually forbidden from wearing non-JFMAST sanctioned gear, it will make a good memento of our swole bond. This may be the most muscular friendship this world has ever seen. If the jealousy pouring through this world were a riptide, we would be swept out into the chubbiest depths of their fatlantic ocean. Boat drinks, brother.
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I must admit I am not surprised to see the Kuku lineage rise once more to a position of influence and power.

As they say, the cream always rise to the top. Or is it crop?? I forget.

Anyway, does the Kuku lineage have any words of advice for the more amateur less established bloodlines? The rookies as the ole saying goes. The SlimShady’s and Wheelers of this world?

Head coach perhaps you could impart wisdom, either here or at another street corner?

/tips hat respectfully
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"Well, @Xcop, the main thing is integrity, and hard work. The Kuku lineage retired, but spawned John_Fareham, who was murdered by Constipated, which kicked off this war.

Let's deal with the legacy of Kuku first of all. It's a mixed legacy, some bad, some good. But it's there.

Fareham was a new breed. Some say he knew he was going to be killed so briefed enough prominent people to ensure his death was avenged..

Is has now been done so. So Circle-of-Fire should mourn the death of Constipated and retire.

Her insistence on defending the murder of Fareham is costing lives and livelihoods.

Hope this helps.

Boat drinks."
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Mr FarehamJr, thank you for your insights.

Wheeler’s son will be appreciative I’m sure.

Perhaps I should just do some quick fire questions here and now.

I have heard rumours that Circle-Of-Fire also killed Jono and tried to pin it on your father - is this the case?
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Xkop, when Constipated killed John_Fareham because he did not understand a joke that someone else told, I knew that there was no justice or equal opportunity in this world and that something would have to be done about it. That's why we honor his memory with our all-star team and that's why the JFMAST is a completely merit-based organization. EduardoCojones, our new shooting guard, earned his way into our starting 5 because his hard work and dedication has so far outweighed even his enormous clackers. Protector might be unpleasant to look at, talk to and be around but he is our starting SF because that's what makes him so good on the court. Prospects like Barnabas are out on the streets in between practice explaining how the world works to people who seem like they will never understand but he does it anyway because that's what heroes do. And this is before we get to Conqueeftador, who looked so damn girthy at Gazza's jersey retirement ceremony yesterday, and you just know he's packing a damn bocadillo down there, if you know what I'm saying. We turn people into the best, most muscular versions of themselves. That is Fareham's legacy. 

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"XKop, I can confirm that CoF accused Gazza of killing Jono. Gazza was so upset at this that he killed Admiral, among many others. The sons of the slain, with one pathetic exception have conducted themselves with dignity.

Hundreds have died because of Constipated killing John_Fareham, and we say it's time to stop."
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Barnabas, LookyMan, two more exceptional athletes robbed from the JFMAST halls. Two more numbers sent up into our rafters. How much suffering must one team take? War is hell, brothers. It's bad basketball. But we move on. We lift. We squat. We live, and we remember. RIP boys. 

HeadCoach takes off his hat as he watches the numbers #42 and #35 rise above the gym bleachers.

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