ℍ𝔼ℝ𝔸𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻
Published in Detroit, Mich. • Thursday, May 5 • Vol I, No. 1
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HeadCoach Removes JohnFarehamJr From LHM Position After The Herald Exposes Dark Plans, And Other Dense Stuff Regarding The John_Fareham Memorial All-Star Team
Following the much-celebrated (or hated, depending on who you are) founding of The John_Fareham Memorial All-Star Team, whose stadium, clubhouse, locker room, or whatever they call their haunt is located on Twelfth Street in Motor City, we decided to get down in the dirt and discover the true facts, all for your benefit. We talked to various relevant and irrelevant people, chief among them HeadCoach and JohnFarehamJr, and found some interesting stuff indeed.
Mr. Fareham was not very warm and fuzzy regarding the team founded in his patriarch’s memory. When asked about his involvement he said that “HeadCoach approached me through a shared enemy.” Funny way to become someone’s left hand if you ask us, but to each his own. The members of the team Mr. Fareham helps lead also don’t seem to rank high in his heart, seeing as he noted that “their mawkish sentimentality sickens me.” Maybe he just prefers to remember his benevolent grandad in more manly ways though.
Moving on to the war that was triggered by the death of the illustrious JohnFareham, Mr. Fareham himself says “I was on Circle-of-Fire’s side.” He also claims to know who killed Jono, who is, or rather was, from what we can tell a long-lived but irrelevant personage. Perhaps Mr. Fareham knows things about him even we haven’t been able to dig up. Speaking of digging up, we spoke to a man by the name of FrizzleFry, who Mr. Fareham referred us to as his “press officer.” This spokesman didn’t seem too good at his job, but furnished us with some interesting tidbits about Mr. Fareham, such as the claim that “he has an almost cult-like following of horrible people that makes it so you’re almost better off just putting up with him, because I have journals that that can prove they will torment you for a long, long time if they feel their master has been disrespected. It is hell... It's a sick scene. It's just the absolute dregs of the earth following him around but they are absurdly loyal to the point of being comical. Not comical in a good way either.” Not everything FrizzleFry said was this scary, though. He also commended Mr. Fareham as being ”nothing less than an amazing member and an asset”. You take the good with the bad, we guess.
We’re digressing a bit here, but that stuff, as dark as it is, gets pretty interesting. However, let’s circle back to the All-Star Team. The head coach of the team, HeadCoach, sat down with us and gave us some deep things to discuss as well. Firstly, the team was founded completely independently of any city leaders or other higher-ups. As Mr. HeadCoach told us, “Sometimes it is better to act first and ask questions later. While feeble-bodied boobs and weaklings were being massacred on the streets, tiny limbs flying in all directions, great athletes were performing radical spin moves and eurosteps to safety. These men and women needed a home. I stepped up to provide it for them.” Very heroic indeed, and humanitarian, one might add. Despite rolling in and setting up shop without their consent, Coach tells us that his “colleagues in crewleading have welcomed Coach with open arms into their brave new world.”
The team may be a home for “great athletes,” but it also took an active part in the hostilities. Coach is proud that “We managed to keep our count of murdered ally-proers down to just one over the span of 4 days, which is a terrific result and will be remembered for a long time.” Among other jobs, Coach said that his boys and girls were also “handers-out of yogurt cups” during the war. Whodathunk it?
When it came time to discuss the relationship between HeadCoach and JohnFarehamJr, things got murky. Coach said that he has known FarehamJr since his youth and also knew his father. “His presence in our team is a privilege and an honor.” The actual relationship wasn’t mentioned, however. Mr. Fareham, for his part, doesn’t appear to like his boss very much, or perhaps at all, and told us something absolutely shocking. We asked him whether he plans on trying to run his own team in the future, to which he said: “I have been guaranteed a district by three CLs (I will have to kill HeadCoach to get this).”
Openly saying he plans to cause his boss to kick the bucket is a shocker to be sure. Quite unheard of, in fact. We asked HeadCoach about this statement and were told: “I was not aware but that is the sign of a good strategist and I can't fault him for that (not telling me he wants to kill me). It is still quite alarming news, however, and has led to the removal of his position as LHM pending further review. His predecessor Gazza was a brave and loyal Left-Hand who fought well in the war and killed just one allied pro-wacker, which was a great achievement considering how many it would have been possible for him to kill. I had wished FarehamJr would serve me with equal distinction.” We never imagined The Herald would have such wide-reaching effects, but if The Washington Post can do it, so can we.
Should HeadCoach end up withstanding the attempt to assassinate him from within, it seems like Mr. Fareham will indeed be forced to look elsewhere if he plans on becoming a coach in his own right. HeadCoach went on to say, when asked if he will encourage Fareham to shoot for the stars, “ I don't think so and I will not encourage it. Putting aside that he plans to kill me for a moment, I think at a more basic level he simply doesn't have the Myers-Briggs personality type for it, and his failure would cause me a lot of grief and embarrassment as a leader & coach (in a hypothetical world where I would still be alive & culpable for his actions, which obviously I wouldn't).”
Bebe, Circle-of-Fire, Last Remaining Pre-War CLs, Fall At Last; Details About War Emerge
The last two crew leaders who held the position prior to the commencement of the late struggle, already viewed as one of the longest and most epic in many years, have died.
Don Bebe, leader of Primacy, in New York City, and Godfather Circle-of-Fire, of Las Vegas, died on the Fifth of May and on May the Fourth, respectively, after resisting countless assaults and cheating death dozens, of not hundreds, of times over the past week or two. Circle-of-Fire was eulogized in the streets by her faithful member, Don Grace, before Ms. Grace tragically took her own life. Multiple sources have told The Herald that twigs, of Detroit, fired the fatal shot into the Godfather, and although we have not been able to independently verify the reports we believe it to be true. Twigs also killed a man by the name of Eren, renowned for his talent in self-defense, which was a great feat in itself, a source explained to us.
Godfather Circle-of-Fire was the last Godfather in this thing of ours and was a fierce fighter, according to her members, against the insurgent forces that attacked from within every city across the nation following the death of the late John_Fareham. Others, however, alleged that she never fired a shot and instead remained in a bunker for the duration of the war, which was eventually infiltrated. Her funeral was so widely attended that extra seats had to be set up in the back of the church.
Bebe’s funeral was also well-attended, with several of her former members and associates noting that their leader went down fighting and was a model CL, interacting well with her flock and an efficient and impressive warrior. She died fighting Darkening, of Philadelphia, in a duel. Darkening also died in the bloody personal combat.
The war’s particulars, we believe, are of interest to our readers, and we’ve been endeavoring to get those for you. The war, as it was unexpected, caused a huge amount of confusion, leading to many friendly-fire killings. A source tells us that famed Mobsters Assertive, Martini, Jackal, and Vladimir all died in such incidents. We have also heard that many an uninvolved associate, and some non-connected persons, died due to confusion and suspicion, leading to ammunition shortages and wear-and-tear issues with the powerful guns owned by many hitmen.
Las Vegas, the son of a now-deceased powerful Vegas boss tells us, was not involved in the beginning of the conflict but entered the war after NoahRugs, Godfather of Paradise, was killed. The killer, this source says, was AdmiralAckbar, a Windy City don, who fired on the Godfather “out of spite.” Thunder and Djinn, both of Las Vegas, joined the rogues and assisted in attacking Godfather Circle-of-Fire, their boss, a source told us.
Following the war, the lay of the land in the business is much changed. The rebel forces are now the dominant family, occupying Las Vegas, Detroit, and Las Vegas. Chicago and Philly now have no crews within them, although we expect the new regime to authorize their members as soon as they can be spared from the new operations. Los Angeles’ situation remains unclear, with one part of the city under the thumb of Mad_Hatter’s temporary housing facility, another part being run over by ruthless thug-like crooks, and the third neighborhood in anarchy.
Sitting Down With A Container Crew CL
City Hall, following the bloodshed of the past couple of weeks, was forced to open some homeless shelters. Although they were apparently thwarted in this attempt to some extent by a lack of interest among possible managers of these establishments, two such buildings were established. Led by the Messers Illuminatiated and Mad_Hatter, these massive public housing projects have 50 room a piece and are located in Detroit and Las Angeles, respectively.
Illuminatiated, whose facility is already full and bursting at the seams, was happy to chat with us about the experience. He told us that his ancestors have a massive amount of experience, which has helped him tremendously. Just how much experience? “ I believe that my lineage have held positions that required bold or slanted pants at least a solid 50 times. Yes you heard me correctly - at least 50.” Lots of experience. The decision to apply to City Hall for the position he now occupies “was an easy one. My ancestors took a slight break from the life of crime; sure, we popped in from time to time, but the drive was gone. The passion had been lost. After deciding to dip my toes back into the cesspool of crime I noticed that this world was in a state of chaos. It was then that I began to dig through my records and I came across some interesting documents - logs of my ancestors having taken on the role of Container CL before. Multiple times in fact. If those plebeians could manage it...I figured why not me? Surely I was more well equipped, having had their knowledge passed down.”
The role of these housing projects are, of course, to give associates of this world a place to live (hopefully) prosperous lives and gain strength and experience for a time before going back into the dark and dangerous underworld. However, one can still run such a joint in their particular fashion and with certain goals in mind. When asked about his goals, Illuminatiated told us, “My hopes for the Crew began as something pure, something simple. A temporary housing facility to inform and rehouse the underworlds' otherwise unemployed. It quickly ramped up into something more… into something more - my hopes for the Crew have turned into something out of a bad novel, really, and at face value it comes across as 'soft'. My hope is simply that the folks who are housed here have a good time and learn some new things. That their drive and passion for this world remains steadfast and that they don't delve into the shadows as my ancestors frequently do.”
Following this stint in the noble service of City Hall, Illuminatiated says he isn’t sure what he plans to do. However, he seem rather taken with the possibility of transforming his job into a more insidious one in the real world of our line of work. “A few different folks from around the country have offered the suggestion that I wind up remaining a Crewleader after the Containers dissolve, but in a slightly different capacity.” This, of course, wouldn’t be easy to do, especially since special favors from City Hall would be lost once the said dissolution takes place. Illuminatiated knows that, and explained that “ We would have to decrease our enormous HQ building for one. Where would we even base our operations? Who would we be affiliated with? These are questions that I have no answers to at this time.”
As we wound up our conversation, Mr. Illuminatiated went back to the present. He said that “we are still actively recruiting wayward souls, and a reminder to folks in general that we are... really, very nice people. Ask anyone!”
GOSSIP
What’s going on around the streets? What whispers are flying about the Mob? We have it here!
A reader has informed us that “twigs is goku.” We leave it to you to draw conclusions and ponder this profound declaration.
A reader wishes us to inform the world that many good folks wish ever so sincerely for Sunrise to get auth.
Another juicy bit of gab we’ve heard runs thus: “voodoo did say that this betrayal has hurt him dearly and that since so many betrayed him it will take him a while before he’s able to return to a seat of power”
The late war has provided plenty of other interesting stuff besides the above tidbit. A source of The Herald tells us that Valinore, a CL in New York, financed the rebellion against the establishment, so to speak, that triggered the conflagration. Mr. Valinor is indeed listed as “Obscenely Rich” according to government files we passed our eyes over, even after his reported sizeable contribution to the insurgency. We considered hiring some lowlife kid to pickpocket the illustrious man with the aim to see how much he carries on a daily basis, but then decided in favor of self-preservation instead.
And now for a check of the dropbox:
“JohnFarehamJr is actually hated within the JFMAST. He weaseled himself in on the name of his late great father. His skills remain in question and the team is left expecting more out of him.”
“Update on the John FarehamJR case. Apparently he is being milked for his large inheritance. New gear and shoes all around if you know what I mean.”
“HeadCoach has the all starts on PED's.”
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