ℍ𝔼ℝ𝔸𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻
Published in Detroit, Mich. • Monday, May 9 • Vol I, No. 2
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More Details Surface Regarding The Great War – We Sit Down With Killers And The Descendants Of The Killed
The recent Great War, called by some the April/May War, continues to further amaze the world of the Mafia as it fades into memory. The sheer amount of blood spilled over eight long, gory days is, frankly, disgusting. The engagement, unlike most fights in this business, lasted more than 24 hours (quite a lot more, as we know). It also had a clear winner, another uncommon end, and the winning side now occupies three cities and is expanding into more.
As our honored colleague in the news business, Xkop, recently published an exquisite piece chronicling the conflict, we will not endeavor to bore the public with a similar article. We’ll, rather, focus on some of the big names that bit the dust in the duration of the war and those who accomplished these feats of arms. One of the more murky deaths of the period was not, in fact, at first believed to have been a part of it. In our last issue we reported that sources told us that Godfather NoahRugs, of Las Vegas, was shot and killed by AdmiralAckbar, of Chicago, “out of spite.” In the course of further investigation into the matter we have discovered that the killing was, in fact, related to the hostilities which were, at the time, only beginning. Admiral_Ackbar, the son of AdmiralAckbar, spoke to us about his father’s journals.
The Admiral, it seems, believed that Las Vegas and Los Angeles were part of the uprising due to the fact that they were not hit as hard in the early hours of the insurgency as the other cities. Knowing Mr. Rugs to be nearby, Mr. Ackbar believed that he was there to use his reportedly-formidable weapon in an offensive manner. This belief, tragically enough, was untrue, but Mr. Ackbar discovered it all too late. Rugs was shot dead in the street. Mr. Ackbar would fall dead himself, at the hands of the rogues, within hours. A reliable source has told The Herald that Mr. Rugs was, in fact, in Chicago to conduct a major business deal involving significant medicinal cargo.
The Herald also looked into the death of Constipated, a Don in Chicago. We spoke with Don Giorgio-Esposito, of Las Vegas, who confirmed to us that he fired the fatal shot into Constipated in the City of New York. “I had been staking out much of the mafia in New York for days. Keziah, Slade, Constipated, Grace, Insomnia and Circle-of-Fire. I had vigilant eyes on who may protect them and had aimed my rifle at several of them in 3 hour increments. Luck would have it for me when my rifle found the head of Keziah. I had taken a protection shot. Insomnia and Slade shot at my bodyguards and I left the city with my now lessened entourage of bodyguards. After the all seeing Grace had gone to bed, I returned to New York and aimed my rifle at Constipated, having witnessed his protection shot. After almost 4 hours, I had him in clear view of my rifle and managed to kill him in broad daylight as Slade, Insomnia and Circle slept.” Very interesting stuff right there. Mr. Esposito told us that he was originally from Detroit and served as a planner of the group which took power in the Great War, adding that he was not assigned the hit on Don Constipated but was rather presented the opportunity by fate.
Mr. Esposito not only shot but was also shot at, he said. Don Bebe, of New York, fired at him and missed during the course of the warfare in The Bronx. It seems that Mr. Esposito did much more shooting than many, though, claiming to have fired an incredible 100,000 rounds at SladeWilson, Bebe’s Consigliere, unsuccessfully. Mr. Esposito wrapped up our interview by saying, “I will say without luck, great pro wackers and massive morale in our camp, we would have been done for. Long live Queen twigs.”
We thank Mr. Esposito for speaking so candidly with us, as well as our other sources.
JohnFarehamJr KILLED Following Herald Expose of Lethal Plot
In a well-publicized disciplinary hearing of the John_Fareham Memorial All-Star Team (JFMAST), presided over by CL HeadCoach, Mr. JohnFarehamJr, former LHM of the organization, was accused of plotting to kill his boss, HeadCoach, in order to establish his own family. The plot was uncovered and published by yours truly, the Herald of the Underworld, in our inaugural issue.
Our esteemed editor, Mr. RonaldCarabbia, was called upon to give testimony at the trial, which he did. Fareham was killed shortly thereafter. We received a report that Ladyfighter was the finger that pulled the trigger on the execution, but this claim was denied by Ladyfighter just before she unfortunately committed suicide. Sources also told us that Ladyfighter was an outspoken critic of Fareham Jr.
HeadCoach sent us the following statement on the matter:
OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM THE DESK OF HEADCOACH, HEAD COACH OF THE JOHN_FAREHAM MEMORIAL ALL-STAR TEAM:
Following an internal review and formal legal process, JohnFarehamJr was found guilty of a number of charges brought to light through the investigatory reporting of RonaldCarribean, namely conspiracy to murder HeadCoach. It was with great displeasure that we terminated the contract of the Fareham progeny, whose father we remember every day as the victim of the notoriously morose Constipated - known in many circles as the Eeyore of crewleading. The JFMAST exists as a devastating, highlight-reel worthy counter-attack to the unprecedented and discriminatory slaying of the promising right-hand man, and in order to differentiate ourselves from the lawless and inequitable practices of that regime, FarehamJr experienced every nook and cranny of procedural due process that the law was able to provide.
To build a better world, you must lead by example, and there is no better example than the John_Fareham Memorial All-Star Team.
We would also like to take a minute to shoutout one of our newest prospects, LarryLardass, who - under the guidance of assistant coach Fry - is beginning to make great strides on his weight-loss journey. You've still got more chins than Shiva's got arms but you're our special boy, Lardass.
With regret,
HeadCoach, Head Coach of the JFMAST
The statement certainly speaks for itself. We wish to add, however, the following. It may be that some of our valued readers are wondering how Mr. HeadCoach sits at a desk, the porcine nature of his upper-middle regions likely not permitting his arms to reach the desktop. We concluded that he probably uses a standing desk.
Even though Mr. Fareham has been executed, HeadCoach, we believe, still has threats against his very life. A source, who is a person close to the situation, told The Herald that Mr. Grin-22, an associate of JFMAST, plans to take over the crew. Given Mr. Grin’s family heritage, we wouldn’t put such a plot past him. We are also aware of other plots against HeadCoach within the “cult” following of the Kuku bloodline, though the seriousness of these is not completely understood.
Other News Around The Underworld
Several new crews have been set up in recent days. Most or all of these, we have heard, were directly set up by City Hall to control the street gangs that have been running rampant. Sources report to us that City Hall, interestingly enough, bypassed city leaders in making these requests.In related news, we have been informed by Mark, a Chicago CL, that all CLs in Chicago are currently “operating as co-equals” and that “you will see further developments in the coming weeks.”
Illuminatiated, leader of Illuminati Temporary Housing, in Detroit, gave a statement to The Herald regarding an ongoing operation to defeat the rogue street gang that has taken control in the Bricktown neighborhood of Motor City. “We have a small but dedicated team of approximately 20-25 people currently doing their best to chip away at the scoundrels BGs - a slow but steady onslaught that should easily see the NPCs removed from Detroit before they're able to cause too much damage to HeadCoach's self esteem.” A similar movement is underway in Pasadena. Don TwenTone, when asked if his team was attacking PasadenaCL, “You're damn right we are, we are hitting his protection every hour on the hour and will relentlessly shoot them all until they are off our shores, never to return.”
Gossip
What’s going on around the streets? What whispers are flying about the Mob? We have it here!
Mr. SirSmokeADamnLot, who was an associate of The Forest, in Las Vegas, died on Saturday. We have in on good authority that, despite initial reports, the death was a case of assisted suicide and “no foul play was involved.”
Mr. Grin-22 was heard, following the execution of JohnFarehamJr, criticizing his elders in a roundabout sort of fashion for, in his words, “I was lured to this team with the talk of being the chief scout and identifying the next generation of top talent and maybe balling a little bit on the side, as required. Then the second my back is turned, I'm having my jersey stripped from me and given to a guy who was trying to take over the team, albeit by non-lethal means. Bad faith dealings.”
Mr. AceRothstein, of the 21’s family in Los Angeles, was killed Friday. His Boss, TwenTone, was seen entering the church and screaming at the lifeless body. Witnesses say that something was said about not showing disrespect at funerals, leading us to believe that Mr. Rothstein did just that and paid the ultimate price.
A source has told us that Mr. Zev_Schwartz, currently a temporary housing project manager in Chicago, is slated to become head of New York in the near future under the new regime. Mr. Scwartz confirmed to us that is it “my ambition” to become a permanent CL soon.
Letters To The Editor
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Classifieds
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SPECIAL HERALD ANNOUNCEMENT: We aim to, within a week, announce the beginning of a writing contest for these streets. Full details and rules will be posted in broadside form soon. Anyone interested in sponsoring the contest through donation of prizes should contact the editor at their convenience.
Come join the last city New York bronx and help us build a better tomorrow - Sunrise
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HERALD OF THE UNDERWORLD • RonaldCarabbia, Editor • Notice an error? Contact us!
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