THE ASSOCIATED PRESS DETROIT POWER RANKINGS

5. Illuminatiated

What is this guy still doing here? Get out of town, you boob.

4. Denis

The best short-term crew in town. If anyone can tolerate being locked up with no one but MikeTyson for company, it's the famously happy-go-lucky Denis and his sunshine & rainbows way of life. Every day is a party for our man in Corktown. The CTE backstroking through the steaming goo between Iron Mike's ears, however, is not as enjoyable. His lisp disguises a capability for intelligible thought rapidly disappearing down CancidRunt's famous 12th Street Public Toilets (come visit!). Last week however, while Mike was serving a sentence for jailbreaking, he did manage to bring a mouse named Mr Jingles back from the dead, so that was a pretty crazy new addition to his skillset. 

3. HeadCoach

HeadCoach & The John_Fareham Memorial All-Star Team slot in at a respectable 3rd this week, following a series of scandals uncovered by enterprising young journalist RonaldCarabbia. While not all bad, as MikeTyson was successfully traded out of the roster, it has been a tough week for the franchise. But with HeadCoach at the helm - a man who hates losing so much he won his virginity back - they won't be held down for long. 

2. FrizzleFry

Former JFMAST RHM Fry is a no-brainer at this spot. He was born to be a runner-up. The only man on earth who could masturbate and still finish 2nd. After gaining support for his various instances of public disapproval concerning the actions and behavior of the FarehamJr/JFK_Jr bloodline, there is very little not to like here with the Made Man venturing out on his own in 12th Street, having insisted that he have a district with the number 2 in the title somewhere. His mother, Terrah, would be very proud of her special boy. 

1. BricktownCL

The big kahuna, Detroit's GFC. BricktownCL has been bully-balling his way to the top of the rankings all week. They say he's killed somewhere close to a hundred of HeadCoach's raggedy group of bodyguards and that kind of alpha behavior is undeniable. Where HeadCoach once ruled the roost, BricktownCL now laughs from his throne. Their business & basketball savvy was on full display this week after rejecting trade terms in a deal for Grin-22, despite the JFMAST offering millions of dollars on top, and asking for nothing in return. 

It's just unfortunate that these stats were run prior to signing your new Concession stand Assistant-Assistant, I'm sure that this signing alone would have been enough to see JFMAST boosted into second, or dare I say it even first place. The true strength and backbone of any semi-Demi-professional Basketball team, as I am sure you are aware HeadCoach, is its ability to sell Beer, sling peanuts, and fill the arena with the smooth, cool flavour of Morley^TM Cigarettes, now available in new Morley Lights^TM and even newer Morley Menthol^TM, for an even cooler, full flavour smoke. 

Go JFMAST!

Hard to disagree with any of these ranking and, unlike certain other "journalists" around here who won't be named, RonaldCarabbia, the Associated Press have a real feel for what is going on at the moment. The last guy who poked his nose into other people's business in the name of a story earned himself a contract on his life - without anonymity - #2 on this list would know all about that, I'll bet.

I was disappointed to hear about the collapse of my multi-million dollar move to BricktownCL, especially when you see how tired and grey his uniforms look. I'd have those babies whiter than your grandmother's chuff. I guess it wasn't to be. A return to the day-to-day life for this baller; HeadCoach's shorts need easing out another few inches. 

Jarrick picked up a copy of the Associated Press and caught a glimpse of the power rankings for Detroit.

"What is this? That BricktownCL may be putting up good numbers this season but that 'spark plug' is nothing more than a flash in the pan. His time in first is limited and before long he will just be another free agent no one wants to sign."

Jarrick took a look around at the now noticeable silence that had fallen over the small diner. Locking eyes with many patrons, Jarrick realized he had been thinking out loud again and probably looked crazy to the onlookers.