When I woke up this morning from my customary 9-hour sleep, tummy grumbling for a wholegrain, high fibre-based breakfast, I noticed that at some point during my slumber I was attacked.

Someone attempted to WACK! you.

The event sent me into a brief mental tailspin, like a reverse-360 dunk, except much more existential. Sometimes, no matter how talented you are or how much mass you have accumulated, people will not like you. Even Coach has enemies, surprising as it is. You cast a glance at my credentials - head coach, war hero for both sides, underboss to BricktownCL - and you wonder why anyone would want to rob this community of it's roundest light.

I am no Constipated - killer of John_Fareham's, lugubrious and woeful, like a Scrooge who would kick Tiny Tim's crutches out. I am HeadCoach - leader of men, kisser of wives (my own, though not recently), a person described by my many friends as "extremely tolerable". 

At the JFMAST, like any good mafia sports organization, we have learned to deal with challenges and adversity. One example of that is the lengths we have gone to encourage and collect testimonials into the clarity of vision & general morale of our team, such as this one:

"I would like permission to leave your crew. Unfortunately I am not into basketball and I don't understand what you are talking about half the time. I would like to move to chicago and look for a new crew." - D0m3n1c

The truth is, being an elite athlete isn't just about hard work or heroic levels of mental strength, it is also about being born with tremendous natural talent & genetically-desirable physical attributes. That's a tough thing to teach. Even as probably the best coach mafia basketball has ever seen, that's a big challenge for me. As a result of that, sometimes even the best prospects slip through the cracks. The JFMAST famously runs the toughest job board jobs in the business but even that can be an imperfect screening process. 

Still, I surround myself with the best men and women this community has to offer. Men like Amir_Malik_Ahmed, who slept through the entire war (and 25 days before that), but emerged out of his coma shortly after and scrambled for shelter at our gym. Men like LarryLardass, who I have not seen for a week, likely on account of the mafia basketball missionary work he has been known to do. And men like Grin-22, who I mugged and who Nicola-Trevisani mugged too, as was her right and I am proud of her for exercising it. 

The JFMAST has survived to euro-step into another day and I am proud of all my all-stars for the work they have put in to achieve that, especially CancidRunt, whose 12th Street Public Toilets remain the crown jewel of the Detroit Business District and a source of immense comfort & solitude to me. 

Long live the JFMAST.

Thank you for your due diligence, Ragnarok_. Your fastidious nature is what helps you succeed on & off the court, and what makes you such an important member of our roster. Though my wife's kisses grow more infrequent by the day, we are still very much in love and NOT in an open marriage, no matter what or WHO tells you otherwise. She is faithful to two things: HeadCoach and her incredible personal fitness journey, of which I am extremely supportive. 

Knowing of Head Coach's impressive fortitude, girth and rotund shell, I was not surprised to see him standing here still very much alive. He was an immoverable imposing statuesque figure, no doubt in part , because his tree trunk legs would rub together and chafe should he attempt to move too fast away from any scene. Coach was saved by his incredible bulk, but the same incredible bulk would prevent him from moving and escaping most attacks. 

It was the dilemma to end all dilemmas. Yes, on the one hand, he would be immune to most bullets, vehicular collision and buffet food poisoning from sheer size and mass, but he was also vulnerable to bullets, vehicular collision, and most buffet food poisoning.

"Coach, as a fellow athlete, I'm glad you survived. I need you to help hone me into a perfect fighting machine so I can true become a champion. In order to aid your survival I will offer to SEND HOOK to you free of charge."

Hobbs paused for a second

"...by free of charge I actually mean $2 million dollars."

Hobbs, I am besieged with assassins left and right, with BricktownCL looting and burning my city, with two-a-day practices, and with managing the exploding popularity of the 12th street toilets, but even with this heavy workload/burden, I believe I can find the time to mould you into a champion, because that's what I do. 

Some people wack goombas. Some people receive kisses from their wives. I coach.

I will not send you any money though because Coach just paid to send his wife & her trainer to a pilates convention next month. I would have accompanied her but the facility is on top of a hill and she knows it is almost impossible for me to freely navigate inclines. The beauty of a basketball court is that it is flat, the way God made the earth before liberal yuppies & scientists turned it into a sphere and the invention of gravity turned the prospect of Coach tripping and death-rolling down a hill into a potential Hiroshima-level disaster. 

'Some people just wanth to see the world burn' was Iron Mikes initial reaction to the attempted assassination of his nemesis friend & mentor HeadCoath. Anyone with halfth a brain should know HeadCoach is a treasure to Detroit with organised crime members across the country considering him in the category of too wierd to live, too rare to die.

A high pitched voice pipes from Iron Mike

"There ith thtill a mythtery afoot. Who wath the thhooter? Clearly they have the accuracy of the 'herald of the underworldth' to mithss a fellow of your not inconthiderable bulk & girth."

Iron Mike pulls his best Columbo face (No not Joe Colombo, Lieutenant Columbo) and says

"One moreth thing Coath. I have drawn up a litht of potthible thuthpectth...

1. D0m3n1c - Did not appreciate your coathing thtyle and jumped thhip to thicago in a huffth.

2. The Ghost of Father Mackelpenny. - The late father was seen in irc avenue recently in what onlookers described as "Abtholutely loosing his shit' with JFMAST member JFMAST He then tried & pathetically failed to take the life of promising baller / scourge of the populace JFMAST. Perhaps some bathtard kin tried to take out their frustrations on the fat organ grinder rather than the monkey.  

3. Grin-22 - Unhappy with his recent beatdown for attempting to steal Coath's lunch & failure to recognize his greatness & promote from the laundry room... Maybe the Herald was right & he is making moves to take over the team. I would bet an official Mike Tython Toth bag that he has thought about killing you at least once (As have we all...)

3. BricktownCL - Obviouth one this. He is hitting back & will not go down without a fight.

Iron Mike scratches his bald dome before dealing cantfindasuit a vicious beat down. Peoplth just loves to try Iron Mikes Pockets... 

"What do you think coath? Could Lieutenant Tython be onto thomething?"

Iron MikeTyson, the FMP incident was something that demonstrated one of the greatest strengths of the JFMAST: immense psychological fortitude. Though I did not personally witness the breakdown, it was relayed to me that when asked why he would not accept a challenge to duel, JFMAST associate JFMAST answered: "It's funny watching you flip out like this". And he could've been right. Maybe it was funny. I don't know, I wasn't there. Maybe it was the kind of thing that is very embarrassing to do in front of a big group of your friends and peers, and something you would regret in the morning. What do I know? All I can say is, from the JFMAST perspective, it was also strong. A weaker man would have accepted that duel, and likely killed Macklepenny, but that is not the JFMAST way. 

Let's recap, JFMAST.

We will stop:

A) Any and all discussion about FatherMacklePenny losing his mind in front of the entire community (as was described to me, as I was not there).

B) Kwkw not fulfilling any of the promises made, namely:

1. Talking back at all of JFMAST's speeches
2. Being to JFMAST as JFMAST was (allegedly) to MacklePenny

Let's have MikeTyson weigh in. This man may have a lisp but his listing of potential suspects in the wacking attempt of HeadCoach was the finest damn work I've seen since Skidmark nut-tap dunked some homeless bum who rejected Coach's organized crime invites right into the mortal offseason. Nobody leaves Coach in the corner. 

"Thankth for the praithe coath. Meanth a lot coming from such a thurvivor."

To confirm I will no longer talk about FatherMacklePenny's mental breakdown or "abtholutely loothing hith sthhit' at the incident was dethcribed to me. I will never menthion again Kwkw as I don't even know who that guy ithth. Letth let thleeping dogth lie.

Iron Mike takes a break from beating on another would be pick pocket to continue. 

If we are taking the guy who I will not menthion again (FatherMacklePenny) out of the line up then surely that throws D0m3n1c & Grin-22 (who I earlier overheard being dethcribed ath I quote 'a thcumbag') into Mccann level thuthpicion...

Iron Mike scratches his bald dome.

"Its still a mystery to me Coath, the only fact aroundth here is that the would be aththathin wath a thit shot & a failure."