The Bricktown Rec Center is packed to the rafters with screaming basketball fans as the John_Fareham Memorial All-Star Team vs. The Detroit John_Farehams game has just ended.  The Detroit mascot, Purgey, is entertaining the rabid crowd with his on-court antics.  The sound level inside the arena is deafening, and the fanfare has reached a frenzied level of excitement.  HeadCoach and his roster are celebrating a stunning victory over the away team via forfeit, due to the away team not having enough players.  A reporter attempts to ask HeadCoach for his post-game remarks.  The portly HeadCoach takes a moment away from from his festivities to answer the reporter's questions, but is cut short by Assistant Coach FrizzleFry who steps in between and interrupts.

"First off I'd like to congratulate HeadCoach and his team for their big win tonight, and would also like to take this time to appropriately and respectfully make an announcement to you all.  I founded this basketball team post-Fareham War with the original goal to be to house mobsters during the Mafia's rebuild process.  I'm the type of athlete who when he sets a goal for himself, he sees it all the way through, and I'm proud to be able to say that I have accomplished that goal by providing as much available space as possible.

Second goal, fortify my home court to thwart nogoodnicks with long, itchy, basketball-palming trigger fingers like Cantfindasuit from shooting at my roster.  Successfully completed.  

So now what?  Do I rest on my laurels?  Become content and satisfied?  No, that is not the Detroit way. We set new goals for ourselves once the old ones are achieved.  My new personal goal is to find and groom an Assistant Coach of my own, known in less basketball-themed mafia circles as Right Hand Mans.  It has been pointed out to everyone already by my mentor HeadCoach that I don't have one presently by giving me the Huckleberryfinn award, an obvious insinuation that I am making a mockery of the role.

Nothing can be further from the truth I assure everybody, and I am presently holding try-outs for the position.  I have already reached out to many of you and encouraged you to commit suicide, leaving in your will to your next of kin the opportunity to wear their own slanted-striped basketball jersey on my team.  I was pleased with the overwhelming response of interested parties, and will consider applications from that pool of people once their kin returns.  Of course my own members are obviously welcome to apply, but seeing that we are a small franchise, I wanted to cast a net far enough that out there for all the free agents to maximize talent potential.  Old recruiting trick I learned while scouting basketball mobsters out of college.

The reporter asks, "Any thoughts on who you might pick, Assistant Coach FrizzleFry?"

No clue, Mr. Reporter, but one thing I can tell you and all these fans here tonight is that whoever it ends up being, be prepared to see a coronation ceremony the likes of which you'll never see anywhere else other than here in the City of Brotherly Love, Detroit.  It's going to be a party alright, with streamers, booze, and even a ribbon-cutting ceremony after we stencil the words "Assistant Coach" onto their new office door.  It will be a celebration for the ages.

Any advice or suggestions as to what traits all of you would recommend when selecting an assistant coach are welcomed and appreciated.
 

Yes thank you for your interest John however I think we both know that is not going to happen. But yes, it is indeed good to have you back on the team. I hope your time subbing on HeadCoach’s team was fruitful. Now if you’ll please excuse me….
 

FrizzleFry returns to spiking the team water jug with vodka and brown coke in preparation for the upcoming announcement and post announcement party

I'm so excited for your search to formally begin, Coach FrizzleFry. If anyone deserves a good assistant coach, it's you. After you left, I spent many days searching for your replacement. The man I've found - Skidmark - is strong, capable, and looks like a damn ass model in our team road trip khakis. If I were him, I'd bring an electric fan around town, because he's steaming up the place. You can't put this man in a car without fogging up those windows like a damn privacy glaze. You try and towel whip this guy in the showers and the force those glutes send back are sending our guys straight into the porcelain. It's outrageous. He can't turn around with someone fainting. That thing is an act of terrorism.

Anyway, he's been a really good assistant coach so far. If you need any advice, or a second man to sit in on your interviews/try-outs, you just let old Coach know. I will be monitoring your progress very closely.

I would like to apply.

I can't play basketball for shit and according to statisticians, I have a prowess of 26%. I'm also not on your team. And yet, I just may be your best bet.

There is something about hiring something out of team with no experience whatsoever. You'll have someone you can mold into the perfect specimen and watch grow. Someone who's muscles you can carefully carve into perfection through good coaching and LOTS of pushups. 

You should chose me because, first and foremost, no one knows me. It's important to have new faces rise to power in the face of a new regime. Many of you come from a long line of great mafiosos and athletes. Me, my lineage is full of gambling wackjobs who haven't accomplished anything. 

I can't promise I'll make a lot of money. I can't promise I'll put any effort into anything. I can't promise I'll be a good member of your team. I can't promise I wont attempt to overthrow you first chance I get. However, I can promise that... Uh...I forgot where I was going with that but the point still stands. 

FrizzleFry walks back over to the crowd

Hello. A decision was made and it looks like the right hand man is going to be John.

That’s all. Thank you.

He leaves