ℍ𝔼ℝ𝔸𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻
Published in 12th Street, Detroit, Mich. • Monday, May 24 • Vol I, No. 3

Herald of the Underworld Taken Over by @John - World of Media Shocked!

The world of organised crime reporting was today shocked to learn that @John, the leading member of @FrizzleFry's notorious Detroit crime trio, took over from @RonaldCarabbia as owner, publisher, editor, and reporter of the Herald of the Underworld.  Approach for comment, John simply replied "John only talks about himself in the third person."  We reached out to FrizzleFry, but he hasn't as yet replied.  We will publish his statement in full here, and any others we receive, about this development.

Herald of the Underworld Survey Results!

Shortly before his squalid death, @FatherMacklePenny sent his answers to the leafleted questionnaire recently left around the Streets.  He said the following, in response to the questions in bold:

What is Constipated best known for?

Being better than John fareham

What is FatherMacklePenny best known for?

At least trying to kill John Fareham - at least I tried

StringerBell…

Is a legend and a God

The best crew leader in Detroit is

Denis

Do we miss Kuku now that he has retired?

No

Who is better; Fareham or Kuku?

Fareham

 

Anything you’d like to add?

I tried to kill Fareham, I failed, but my son has a rock solid strategy to destroy Fareham.  He will attend his speeches and talk!  He will contribute!  Fareham will have an Audience!

As we can see, FMP's obsession with all things Kuku and Fareham continue.  We can analyse his tragic son's appalling record and surmise that, like his father before him, FMP Jr was not an intelligent person.  

Do we miss him?  Yes.  FMP and his son were amusing to have around.

Come back, mate!  We miss you.

Stay tuned for Vol 4 of ℍ𝔼ℝ𝔸𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻 - It will have more survey results, new features, and all the latest news!

"Sunrise - Sir, with all due respect, you're more intelligent that how you just appear.  I think you're a rock solid guy, a stand-up guy, but that was a sit-down worth comment.

Capo Sunrise, you are letting the shame of seeing Premeir every day and yet, bizarrely, not doing the humane, and human, thing, the natural reaction, and executing him.

Leader of a Crew Sunrise, you are a beaming light in the darkness of this thing of our's world of crime.  But you throw shade on me, a newspaper man?  I think that you have a right-hand-man, and that man's name is StringerBell.  But what does that have to do with anything?

Nothing.  

And what does gossip have to do with newspapers?  Quite a lot.

What is the point of NOT killing Prem?  I don't know.  What's the point of me writing a newspaper?  Well, if not me, who?

So, I put it you, Crew Leader Capo Sunrise, what should I have done?"

A lot of legitimate newspapers are gossip so you did something right +5 points

What a shameful and uninspired self-centered piece of garbage.

This has more use cleaning up a junkie's vomit in the dumpster than a universal display board.

The lack of appreciation for an otherwise well-researched and well-written newspaper is horrendous.

"Yeah, everyone's really tough when it comes to criticising a newspaperman making a newspaper, but would they have the balls to duel me?  I doubt it."

Conqueeftador had just finished having his personal trainer read the newspaper to him. As his trainer finished reading and added another plate to the bar Conqueeftador heard some people talking smack about his good friend's paper. 

"I just want to say thank you to John for coming out here and trying. I particularly enjoyed the part about FMP's murderous obsession with the late great Fareham family. I wasn't too happy about Denis being named the best crew leader, I mean HeadCoach is standing right here!" 

Conqueeftador thinks to himself for a moment.

"You really have to look for the deeper meanings out there, but I'm happy that you took the time to come out and publish a newspaper. Don't let the naysayers take away from this momentous occasion and remember, always shoot for threes." 

Personally, I think the work and effort put in to creating this newspaper is very commendable. 

It's amazing however that someone commented:

"StringerBell…

Is a legend and a God"

about me, when they had died before I was born. 

I mean, I'm thrilled this is someone's opinion but truly, it is your own opinion isn't it John?

John, lower your fees and join a newspaper with me and the finest leader the Bronx has ever seen. 

frizzlefry I 100% agree I hope these two bloodlines can one day work in peace or at least learn to ignore each other

It's just gone on long enough Sunrise, as I'm sure you would agree.  The funniest part of this whole bloodfeud between the John and Premeir lineages have is that is that if they would just both put their egos aside, they'd probably be surprised how much they have in common.  Both share a passion for This Thing of Ours, both are of equal intelligence, and both believe in speaking their minds in public.  They really might as well be the same guy.  I've always found it funny when two people despise one another when to everybody else, the similarities are glaring.

"Somebody somewhere has told a joke - HuckleBerryFinn just challenged Your Humble Narrator to a duel."

Some people see a right hand man and can't help themselves but to try and shoot it.  Even their own, in some cases.  It's in their DNA I suppose.

FrizzleFry shrugs and walks off to contemplate how his own life has gotten to this point.  

Thank you to all who help me grow it is very kind to recognize I need help being a better person, hopefully Kuku finds a family that specializes in mental disorders and can help him.

god bless you all

"Thank you for your kind words, Premier. It is good to see that your growing process and emotional development is well underway. Let this be a lesson to all. It is never too late in life to become a better person. As far as specializing in mental disorders, we have a different theory in Detroit on how to treat those. Rather than try to cure it, we would rather harness that energy and put it to a more productive use. Say, for example, letting it work itself out on the basketball court. Can you imagine a furious and rabid John charging towards you to the basket and throwing down a backboard shattering dunk? You wouldn't be able to do anything about it. Take solace in the fact that it would make one hell of a poster for the children.

And that's what it is really all about, isn't it? We're doing it for the children."

That is a very good point or maybe we could use him on a farm like a work horse and he can donate the food he cultivated to a worthy cause

"As I suspected, this newspaper is far more popular under my stewardship than Ronald's.  So it is that my marketing strategy of attempting to murder famous people, and enraging others, to raise the newspaper's profile has proven successful.

You're welcome.

I'm interested in YOUR tips.  Thought thoughts.  Your gossip.  

In particular, I'm interested in stories about Prem, FMP, and Flash Fire.  They have ganged up on me and, pacifist that I am, I will seek to prove that the pen is mightier than the sword, and definitely mightier than my gun.

I'm glad I killed Honesty- 

Boat drinks, brothers and sisters."