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The Detroit Free Press: D0m3n1c Started by: Jaws on Jun 08, '22 13:17

"Following a tip from someone who will remain anonymous, despite the tip being made in a public coffee shop, I have investigated a death-threat made against reputed Detroit mob boss, and leading basketball guru HeadCoach.

This story of treachery begins some weeks ago.  A man named D0m3n1c joined the Detroit underworld, and prospered.  He was earmarked for a leadership position until, to the shock of everyone, he asked to leave and join a different crime outfit.

We, the untitled upper-structure of Detroit, were shocked to find HeadCoach in tears, asking why, oh why, Dom didn't want to stay in Detroit.

We asked Dom this, and he explained that the onus on basketball was not to his liking.  We didn't quite know what to do, but were nervous of Dom - what else could this unpredictable maniac do?  So, he was let go, and he went off and joined another crew, for whom we have the utmost respect.

But Dom wasn't finished with Detroit, no.  He disregarded the basic fundamentals of Omerta and set up a business in the city that he had betrayed so awfully.

HeadCoach still missed Dom, and could be heard crying out "why did that unpredictable maniac leave me?  I miss him!  And now he comes in here and opens a business!  I'm going to bust his tables!"

After repeated table bustings, Dom cried out:

"I am tired of HeadCoach coming into my businesses and destroying my property. He has done it here in Detroit and my business in Chicago. No more!"

What on earth will happen next?  We reached out to HeadCoach for comment, but he was last seen heading back into Dom's coffee shot.

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D0m walked into the newspaper office on a mission. He walked into the managers' office ignoring the secretary's cry. The editor looked up and said, "You can't just barge in here."

D0m  replied "I just did. I am here to answer the question you put in your paper regarding the death threat I made against HeadCoach. We had a sit-down, where I apologized for the threat. This was after HeadCoach destroyed my business in Detroit and trashed my Import Business in Chicago. When I left his crew, it was with his blessing. If he didn't want me to go then he should have fought harder to keep me. I found a new family and now I am thriving. HeadCoach is a great boss, just not the boss for me. Thank you" 

D0m then turned around and walked out of the office.

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It is true. The beef between myself and D0m3n1c has been squashed. I cherish the time we spent together in Detroit and regret my actions in tearing off the curtains in his Detroit business and stepping all over them, as well as setting his Chicago import warehouse on fire with a flamethrower. I was not myself. I was an animal, directed by instinct, blinded by passion, engorged on heavily-caffeinated pre-workout supplements. If there are infinite universes with infinite timelines based on every decision made or not made at any point in time, there is a universe out there where D0m3n1c remains at home in Detroit with the all-stars, making full use of his God-given talents, but sadly it is not this one and I must accept that. 

That said, there is also a timeline where he follows through on his threat to kill me, which is a timeline I do not like and am angered by, knowing HeadCoach in that timeline would be equally furious, if he were not dead. HeadCoach solidarity across timelines is an important issue for me, and one I must get over if I am to truly forgive D0m3n1c, which is my wish and something I work towards every day. Rest easy, D0m. We are not enemies. Is that good enough? I hope - one day - we will be friends. 

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Is there too then a timeline in which me and Mrs. HeadCoach no longer do yoga instructions together? What a shame that universe would be. 

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We are getting there slowly HeadCoach. A day at a time
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