"We would like to issue an invite to Giorgio-Esposito to visit Detroit and participate in some beatings. We know you miss the rush and excitement of it. We miss you too. Dont let your old age and godly powers stifle your true desires. Come on Giorgio, you know you want to. "

I have a  story for you guys!

So there I was, minding my own business in Detroit. You know putting the screws to some big beefy guy that forgot to pay me some money. You know, like literally, there were screws in his hand. I mean I don't tolerate thieves very well when someone had the audacity to try to steal from me.

FROM ME?! Like I am the nicest person in the world.

Shayna smiles sweetly at the crowd that had gathered to hear her tale of a Detroit mugging.
 

What is a girl to do? Well I pulled out Susie and Marie (that is what I call my wonderfully small fists of power) and pounded the victim to the ground. Sadly I found no money but just as I was about to leave, I snatched their shiny gun! So now I have an extra gun, does anyone want to depart with their money by chance? I imagine it's well taken care of given the owner of said fire arm. Here's the receipt.
 

Iron Mike is tumescent with delight at the excellent work by brother BBB & Sister Shayna.

"Great work friendth I am feeling PUMPED! Let me give you a run down of Iron Mikes latest beat downs..."

 You caught up with @Grin-22, beat them within an inch of their life, and took $40,300

Want away laundry superstar Grin-22 has recently been outed as having a momma so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said 'Sorry no professionals'

You caught up with Illuminatiated, beat them within an inch of their life, and took $0 

This beat down gave Iron Mike some solace regarding the whole negligent city of Chicago failing to ACKNOWLEDGE or COMPENSATE him for the loss of his beloved race horse. (In very thuthpiciouth circumthanceth)

You caught up with Hobbs, beat them within an inch of their life, and took $1,257 

A regular on Iron Mikes beat down list. Green eyed with jealousy at Iron Mikes recent good fortune a pick pocket was attempted. A beating into next week followed.

You caught up with @Grin-22, beat them within an inch of their life, and took $1,886,620

 The mugging which somehow ended up with HeadCoach owning 1.8 million lottery ticketh. Shame Iron Mike still won!

You caught up with Giorgio-Esposito, beat them within an inch of their life, and took $0

A major scalp to add to Iron Mikes list of victims. The man who made Hobbs poththible (Aside from that, he is a good dude) A more thuthpiciouth mind than Mikes would be worrying about bodyguard checks. Iron Mike is more shrewd, he knows you don't need to BG check when you have a bazooka! 

You caught up with Void, beat them within an inch of their life, and took $458 You also stole their gun. 

Another gun acquired. Armory overflowing. Thankth friend Void.

You caught up with Vidal, beat them within an inch of their life, and took $139,932 

Friend Vidal was piththing blood for a few days after a risky encounter with Iron Mike.

You caught up with @HeadCoach, beat them within an inch of their life, and took $165 

Just to show no favouritism & to confirm we are the most mug positive city in the USA I welcome Mug City leader & Girth God HeadCoach into smack city. Population You.

"Even though I am not a member of Detroit and it was not against a member of Detroit, I wish to share my own 'mug tales' of late. I had to mug three members of my own family, two of which were in Detroit. I suppose it kind of counts, yes? The third one was my Godfather. One who knows no one can even attempt his own pockets. Talk about abusing his position! Hope that stays between us!. 

Jul 15, 13:29:15 You caught up with Treebeard, beat them within an inch of their life, and took $1,819,238

Jul 16, 15:30:46 You caught up with Void, beat them within an inch of their life, and took $263

Jul 18, 20:05:32 You caught up with twigs, beat them within an inch of their life, and took $9,642,358 You also stole their gun.

Upside, I did upset my Godfather by taking his gun. I have since been mindful to not be in the same city as him since we have a well-stocked armoury. Until he is more chilled out. It has been two days, maybe I can return home soon? I mean I did ensure he got his money back with a bit of profit. Anyway, thanks for letting me share!"

These tales of debauched muggings and bringing a tear to my eye. They remind me why I love Detroit, and almost makes me forget that I've been forced to cease all contact with my oppressor who treats me like some sort of store clerk, offering to trade me in exchange for some of the most deplorable wretches in the country. Fortunately, I saw him washed out to sea and I'm sure there will be she-whales flocking towards the now-largest mammal in the ocean in the hopes of his whelping pups on them. The hideous progeny of this she-whale-Head-whale mating fiasco remains to be seen, but I would still suspect them to be less gangly and offensive looking than Henson.

Anyway, now that HeadCoach is unable to keep me silent, I've got quite the sharing to do. Not of Detroit Bingo prize money, no, just tales of routine near-death beatings in this wonderful behemoth-free city. 

Jul 12, 10:56:36    You caught up with MikeTyson, beat them within an inch of their life, and took $1,415,700   

A mere pittance of what this lisping oaf owes me. 

 Jul 14, 09:03:35    You caught up with Hobbs, beat them within an inch of their life, and took $7,795

I didn't so much as catch up to Hobbs as ferociously bore him down to the ground and mauled him limb from limb like a savage. 

Jul 16, 12:24:38    Void tried to PICKPOCKET you.

This little chump waited until my back was turned and then ran for the police like a little girl. His card is marked. Marked with the words "dead dickhead".

 Jul 17, 18:31:09    You caught up with Gidan_N, beat them within an inch of their life, and took $0

Something weird went on here which I don't want to talk about. Needless to say, I was not adequately compensated. 

 Jul 18, 11:49:18    You caught up with Torael-thatcher, beat them within an inch of their life, and took $188,594

I might have been on this team before you were even a sparkle in your Dad's eye, but don't think that means I won't turn around and NAIL YOU TO THE FLOOR.

 Jul 18, 14:46:48    An unidentified assailant PICKPOCKETED you, taking $15,000

This was one of the final acts of HeadCoach before he became entangled in seaweed. I hope he's dead. 

 Jul 19, 12:02:53    You caught up with MikeTyson, beat them within an inch of their life, and took $104

I literally cannot beat this guy up enough times. I want to make his face into a paste and then use to point the brickwork at my house. Mortar bed Mike, I'll call it. 

 Jul 19, 19:24:23    You caught up with DeathbecomesMe, beat them within an inch of their life, and took $0

A pathetic organized crime given the treatment it deserves. Don't you dare bring that shit around here again. 

What will tomorrow bring? Another beating for Mike? Almost certainly. Something for Hobbs to be embarrassed about? Virtually inevitable. All JFMAST players becoming free agents because HeadCoach is dead? I fucking hope so.