HuckleberryFinn wandered into the streets. He’d been here too little recently, mostly down to assholes who like to hassle him about his father and past associations, and while it didn’t actually bother him, it was easier to just avoid the place for the most part. That being said, something had happened recently that he had witnessed, that certainly stuck in his craw. If LL had still been around he’d probably have gone to court over it, but that wasn’t an option anymore, and with just shysters and hucksters around these days, even the courtroom was a waste of time. So it was time to roll out the old soapbox once more.

“You know what, I was watching something on the tube the other day, one of those new Situational Comedies…. No it wasn’t a big tickle like The Phil Silver’s show, but it was kinda like that. It was about this family of miscreants. The Dad worked in the Coal plant, drank a lot, and was as thick as two short planks. The mom was pretty much a regular mom, doing the house work, looking after the kids, you know the kind of show. But this episode had a background character in it, kinda like a crazy cat lady. This lady walked about spouting gibberish and being mean to people by throwing feral cats at them, real dumb shit to be honest, but it was on and I was 6 beers in and couldn’t be assed to change the channel, besides, when I’ve spent the last 40 odd days watching paint dry, even a stupid TV show is better entertainment. After the show went off the air though, it got me thinking, Crazy cat lady reminded me of someone we have right here in our own little corner of the world. Someone who walks down the streets, avenues, boardwalks and what have you and talks gibberish, and while they don’t actually hurl cats at people, they do their best to fuck there shit up.

Now, everyone goes through a bad patch from time to time, just look at some of the folks in Detroit, but this is the modus operandi of ‘Crazy Cat Lady’, and her moms, and her mom’s mom and so on. She talks shit about folks and gets them riled up, makes them flip their lid, but, I dunno how she does it, she does it late at night, or when no one’s around, cos when the person who gets the Royal shaft gets dragged into court for breach of the peace or some shit, there’s no evidence, no one has seen the exchange or heard the exchange. So the person who has just been shit all over is left to look like a douche. It’s like being in a pit of really liquid shit, bloody piss like shit, right up to your neck, and someone bends down to help you out, but the stench makes them puke their guts, right in your face, I mean it’s not like you can duck. Ain’t that a bite?

I guess’ Crazy Cat Lady’ is just made in the shade, you know? Now there is some of you out there that probably feel me right now, and are probably down with what I’m saying. And there’s probably folks out there that don’t have the first fucking clue ‘bout what I’m yabberin’ about, no I’m not looking at you Detroit, and that’s ok too, but you know what, perhaps this could be a place we could talk about the real assholes in this life of ours, the folks, past or present, who don’t seem to get along without making other people’s lives a misery, who seem to get a boner from shitting on other people, or at least barfing in their faces.

Finn finished his smoke and crushed the dregs under his shoe, wondering if anyone would answer or if there was nothing more to life than tired basketball clichés and churlish behavior.   

Hello HuckleBerryFinn, please disregard all remarks made by Jaws, as he is not in a position of authority to speak on behalf of Detroit, as opposed to me, who is really the only person that should be speaking on behalf of the city.

So I stand before you here today to humbly apologize for any wrongdoing on our part in relation to comments made about your father Godfather Constipated.  I did not know the man personally, I only knew about him what we all know, that he was jovi.... well, you know.

I sometimes forget that the only people that it is acceptable to drag through the mud are those from the Disorder, Grin-22, Mikhail and Kuklinski line.  This is not only only accepted, but applauded.  Take a guy like Jaws for example.  Along with exclaiming things his ancestors actually did do, it is also ok to exaggerate the truth to further vilify him, regardless of how vile those exaggerations or mistruths are.  Same with Disorder, as it is fashionable to speak as viciously about him as possible, despite Disorder being sent to the electric chair years ago since no one else was able to take him down themselves.  This often muddies the waters, and we sometimes veer away from the individuals that the court of public opinion deem to be exempt from any decency. 

And as a result of this grey area, we find ourselves making fun of guys like Constipated for doing things like killing his own right hand man and then following it up with an absurd and laughable statement.  I'm guilty of this myself, and if you would like, I can start misquoting Godfather Constipated in my ridicule to make the original comment less-stupid sounding.

I can't even imagine the HELL it must be, seeing the events that your father made public to everyone highlighted in the same streets the events were made public in to begin with.  We should NOT be poking fun at Constipated for killing his own Right Hand Man, as the slain Right Hand Man in question was of Fareham descent.  Man, imagine all accolades Constipated thought he was going to receive for killing the guy everyone hates.  He must be turning over in his grave at the way it backfired on him.  It's just not fair.

We will do better.  We will be revisiting our team's code of conduct to ensure that only certain APPROVED mafioso are teased in the streets.  This list will be a work in progress, so please bear with us as we do not know who is off limits and who can go about doing stupid things without consequence.

One last thing, I apologize on behalf of HeadCoach, who when ordered to provide a protection shot for your father during the Fareham War responded to the instruction with "no thanks", possibly leading to the good Godfather's demise.

I can only that this apology resonates with you, and that it helps in the healing process.

Hmmm, I may be fresh out of the closet, erm off the boat Mr Frizzlefry, but it seems to me that HuckleberryFinn was talking about something completely unrelated to Detroit, its denizens or the treatment of former Don Constipated, I say former Don as I believe that from what I have read, Lincoln_Lawyer was Godfather, and Constipated his Captain, although I could be wrong, and I am happy to be corrected if this is the case.

Finn Clearly states that 'Crazy Cat Lady' is female, which I guess you could also assume from the name Cat Lady, I know I have been called a flaming Queen from time to time, but I assure you I am definitely all man. Finn also clearly states that he is not talking about Detroit, although he does obviously get a few digs in at the Basketball capital of the mafia world, but given that many a Detroit resident delights in ridiculing him at every turn around, I would say that fair is fair. 

This is all by the by of course, and really it has little to nothing to do with me, but I was a little concerned that you may have thought that Mr Finn was targeting you or someone else within the fine city of Detroit when he made reference to someone who only seems to get their jollies from bad mouthing or ridiculing other people. Perhaps it was a simple miscommunication, perhaps a case of defensive guilt, only you can answer that one. Any way, I'll be on my way now, back to the street corner where I ply my trade.

The name Lincoln_Lawyer isn't ringing any bells, Ray_Gillette.  Maybe he was before my time.  Was he widely known for anything in particular that I would have heard about?