It has come to my attention that a rogue individual, while in the process of being murdered, managed to heave a few dying words out of his mangled skeleton:

UneasyMurkiness looks you in the eye, and says: "HeadCoach & Telkin are fat cunts.. pass it on"

I don't know who 'Telkin' is and cannot speak for him but on my end of this I have to say that this is a ludicrous allegation. I'm a mafia sports coach. Maybe the greatest mafia sports coach this world has ever seen. We've got boxing, golf, and mafia basketball all in full swing right now, and I believe this to be the direct result of the JFMAST promise of whipping this community into shape, in memory of John_Fareham and the prescient and prophetic words of FourMenInSuits. 

It's understandable that someone such as myself, packed to the brim with muscle after ludicrously-sized muscle, would be mistaken for a 'fat cunt', as our deceased friend so eloquently put it. For a man who went rogue, popped one shot off, missed, and then immediately died, it takes some gumption to be tossing out words like that. In comparison, when I went rogue out of a rogue crew during the Forever/Fareham war, I survived the deaths of 99% of the community and was rewarded with my own city - a simple coach who started with nothing but a basketball and a dream. How about that for two timelines. 

Is it easy to achieve what I have achieved? No. That cannot be expected of any regular man. It would be unfair. And, indeed, it might be easy for UneasyMurkiness to stew in jealousy over my improbably and unprecedented success. That kind of attitude can cloud the mind. It can drive a man into madness. It's with that in mind that I can forgive him for missing the obvious details & descriptions of my physical appearance:

A) I am what is known as 'aggressively ground-tethered'. 

B) I am wider than I am tall, like Hadrian's Wall, a heroic monument fraught with the promise of mystery & danger.

C) I would be assumed to be prosperous, if discovered during a time of great famine.

D) I am Wisconsin skinny.

Is it because he has me pegged so wrongly that his perception of who I am is so skewed? Possibly. Was it this false poison in his mind that pushed him to take it as far as he did, to die so uselessly? Perhaps. Will I miss him? No. I'm glad he's gone, because it has given me the opportunity to do away with these vicious rumors once for all.

Thank you. 

Is it because he has me pegged so wrongly

Wait!! He "pegged you???"  

No, of course not. I was just wondering if you mistook your words. My name is "Dirtydirty" btw. My mind is constantly in the gutter.

"I'm generally not one to side with the opposition against Headcoach willy nilly on any lost cause whether I believe it or not... but on this occasion I must side with Uneasy-whatshischops. I never knew he existed until five minutes ago when I scanned the local obituaries, but am I expected to discount his words just because he was a bad man? 

If we review the facts of the case:

1. Your chins wobble when you 'walk'. I say 'walk' loosely as you do not walk, so much as stutter from one misstep to another

2. You would not look out of place on Easter Island

3. You would be uneaten in an unexpected plane crash in the Canadian wilderness by a group of female soccer players (Perish the thought).

4. Hello Winconsin!

I believe I've now successfully refuted your claims. How do I burn remove this God awful Detroit jersey? It's itchy and FEEBLE like the rest of your city. #FreeFrizzleFry".

Ha! I'm in good company then! 

Save me an away jersey for the L.A. Fartknockers with #69 

I can play tight end

I can play tight end

See, that's more productive, enough of this pegging talk. A fellow athlete. A sportsman. I bet you work up quite a sweat. Good. You're welcome to the JFMAST team showers any time with that kind of attitude. 

Woo hoo! I'm in!

B) I am wider than I am tall, like Hadrian's Wall, a heroic monument fraught with the promise of mystery & danger.

"Greetings Coach, There is nothing wrong in being built like a wall. You are the head of fitness for all around, an example of a man. We look up to you, with all that stamina. I am surprised that Detroit does not cover football or rugby too. Imagine how great you would be in goal?! 

Anyway, just here to show a little support.  A very a wise Garfield, the Cat person once quoted said," "I am not fat, I am just under tall!"

"Daiquiri I'm sorry to disagree with you in public, but on this occasion I have to. Headcoach isn't just under tall. He is fat. Overweight. Blubbery. Chubbery. Lardy. Corpulent. Obese. He is a whale on land with legs and thumbs. He is a very BIGLY boy. There is no way around the FAcTS of the situation. The only reason he hasn't been forced to step down like his friend and idol Sunrise is that he's simply too heavy to move."

Thank you, Daiquiri, I am so grateful to always have the support of the good people of Las Vegas minus Hobbs to rely on. Walls have been used for many great things in history: privacy, pet enclosure, to guard against the nomadic tribes of the Mongolian steppe. Metaphorical walls keep perspectives narrow, and invisible walls make mimes their fortunes. I am proud to belong to such a noble size-class. 

Others ways I have been described or prefer to be described as:

1. An industry leader in seats needed in movie theatres.

2. The Hindenburg.

3. Planetary.

4. Capable of being rolled for a strike.

"HeadCoach, although your great girth would've undoubtedly come in handy during one of my casual games of weirdly-competitive bowling — only 'spares' were had — I do feel like the comparison with the Hindenburg is most apt. After all, I am told you are a very gassy man. Rumours reach me that you've banned smoking within the confines of your headquarters, because the last time someone lit up your backend did not stop burning for days. We're all waiting for the inevitable 'crash and burn'. Of course, the only reason Hobbs is so virulently attacking your impressive presence, is because of his own sense of inadequacy. The both of you would make for a very filling dish: a great mass of over-cooked noodles soaked in an excessive amount of blubbery fat. No, if you're looking for peak physical performance, look no further than Bella Vista's own."

"Coach one must admit that questions around the solidity of your girth has been the topic of private debate for a while now. Some are convinced it's pure muscle from the power-squats, some are convinced it's the result of a few too many visits to the local burger joint."

"Having been on the receiving end of many beatings and suplexes (this morning being no exception) I can safely say that it's not mere blubber under that comically-small polo-shirt. Just because someone's mass gotten so dense that it has spawned its own gravitational pull doesn't mean that it's composed of just fat."

"Hobbs if you're so much of an unbeliever I challenge you to give the coach a single punch to the gunt. Once your knucklebones shatter from the impact to "the wall" I'm sure that it will sway your blatantly uninformed opinion."

"Oh little, tiny Hobbs disagreeing with me in public is perfectly fine. Do speak up a little louder though, with how small you are I am hoverheardrd time hearing you speak!" 

Having over heard Sosabowski comment largely and bringing up 'gas', Daiquiri couldn't but help but speak further once Void has stopped, "Nevermind Hobbs Coach, there is a reason he rarely visits Chicago. He fears the wind. One puff of air and his featherweight of a body is off the ground, floating away like a child's balloon. While the rest of us are more grounded. We have to keep him indoors if the winds go about 1mph!" 

Sosabowski, a high-fiber diet comes with trials and tribulations. Nobody ever said maintaining this kind of form was easy. During one languid summers of my younger days, a team of scientists pitched their tents behind my camping chair for 16 hours before discovering that what they were studying was not, in fact, a coal mine fire. 

Void knows better than anyone the unbridled force and power I am able to generate with each swing of my left and right hemispheres. I've been compared to a mass extinction event while driving to the basket.