There was once a saying that I was told a long time ago from someone who I can vaguely recall, maybe it was my loving grandfather or a kind old man who lived on the side of the road right outside of the house that I grew up in Illinois... but that doesn't matter, what does matter is the contents of his words, which still ring inside of my ears to this very day: "Make more money you stupid asshole. You can't live here forever, I'm your father, not your caretaker."

The words may seem harsh, but they really teach you about what is important in this life. Not your music career that's going to take off any day now if you're just given a little bit more support, but money. That's why today I am announcing that I will be giving help to anyone and everyone that wants to actualize their best selves. All you'd need to do is follow my simple plan.

Secure Capital, Accrue Money

Yes, everyone who send me money will be put into what I like to call a creation tank, where will be filling up what was once an empty car, with the gasoline of thought and positivity. Everyone who donates within the next five days will automatically be shot up to level A, which is the fourth highest level behind 1A, 2A, 3A, and Level Zero. Not to mention the other twelve higher levels that are only unlocked when I believe that you are ready to fully commit all of your money to me.

Now some people may say that I am only doing this because of a few dud investments that have left me impoverished, but in that lowest point of my life I was able to truly see the truth, and so can you too if you give away all of your worldly possessions, to my newest and brightest initiative, which of course I run the finances of. 

What are you waiting for? Come join Level A, today, and remember.

Secure your capital, and accrue all of the money that you could ever dream of. S-C-A... well, I hate acronyms and you should too. That's your first lesson, free. Don't do anything short-hand that you can work harder on and do the RIGHT way.

SELF HELP - By Gnoch

Soon to be a best seller

For every 1 million or 2 credits donated, you will move up in ranking.

Trust me, you want to move up.

If you're not moving up, you're moving down. Do you know what else is down deep below? 

Mines, and they're gross. Don't be gross. Give me your money.

Thanks.

Dirty was walking around the streets looking for some cheerleaders to kidnap. It was a hard job as he'd taken so many. Along his stroll he came across a respected don of LV obviously trying to start some kind of cult. Dirty knew of cultish types, they were people to stay away from. Dirty was crazy, but not "cult crazy". 

As he walked past, he heard someone speaking gibberish to the "would-be cult leader". Dirty couldn't make out what the person was saying, only that what was coming out of the persons mouth, hurt his brain. It sounded like someone was flushing a toilet in the 12th st public bathrooms, with a bowl full of elephant shit, over and over, until they got the entire load down ( complete with plunging noises ) 

Dirty decided right then and there, that these people were schizophrenics. Regular crazy people, he could deal with, but schizos were another animal entirely. 

Dirty spit on the ground in their general direction and walked away.

While walking away, Dirty thought that the despicable horse burning Hobbs and his 180-200 midget bodyguards must have some kind of involvement in this "hustle". 

Dirty couldn't walk around the streets of LV without tripping over one of hobbs' midget bodyguards these days, it seemed. Someone would have to do something about these pests sometime in the near future, He thought. 

Dirtys walk turned into a run after likening hobbs' bodyguards to cockroaches, infesting the streets. 

AussTerDVatiON the Midwest mannerd Man's mannerisms, the NoddySleuthed einkered eez purrdy fookin eyezz. 

So wait. If'en'eez not enGwannaKn0 why should I stromboli yer mum's noncesconce winDeezEer portrsyde spear?

Dirty still heard the shrill whining from the weirdo, as he walked away. He still couldn't understand what the idiot was mumbling about. All he knew was that the simpleton was screeching about some nonsense that was incomprehensible. Dirtys run turned into a sprint as he needed to get as far away from said idiot as possible.

DLZ was intrigued by the proposition he had heard, reaching into his pockets he pulled out what little he had. In his palm was some lint and a bobbypin. 

"Perhaps I'll come back when I've got some capital to invest" he said out-loud but to himself. 

The smartly attired gentlemen stood listening to the offer being laid out before him. It did seem like a sweet deal. HeadCoach had tried something similar within Detroit but that was more an attempt to collect some taxes. Recently BBB has seem some sweet returns from an investment with his new lottery life partner the one and only Twigs. Maybe this would be another wonderful investment opportunity. He rummaged around looking for his cheque book to send some money to Gnoch. He put his had to his head. Of course Queef as he was lovingly known as had assumed this role of acting GFC of the BBB and taken all family funds to set up a petting zoo at Frizzles HQ. The smarty dressed man thought to himself. He took off his tattered fedora and placed it on the ground in front of himself. He began to dancing and sing in hopes of collecting some much needed funds. the goats joined in and soon a crowd had gathered. His hat was soon full to the brim with sweet sweet money. He stuffed it into pockets and decided that maybe acting the fool in the streets was a better way to make money that this investment opportunity.