While I was making my way through the street earlier, Stanmanning on various unsuspecting joggers & streetwalkers alike, I came across a man named RoboCop making highly contentious claims about a shipping company CEO named FrankCastiglia. As a fellow CEO - of Stanman Industries - my first instinct was to jump to the defense of my fellow tycoon, in order to maintain the 1%'s strangehold over the status quo and to keep the 99% from questioning their pathetic low-standing in the world. That was, however, before I noticed 150 million dollars pouring out of RoboCop's tip jar, instantly forcing me to respect him and to believe the things he had to say, at least until a point at which Castiglia could prove he was worth an equal or larger amount of money himself. 

In any case, that pre-amble is laregly irrelevant as the point that really struck me was when RoboCop ended his speech by requesting the following:

Hobbs and Void - please kill Frank. 

It is no secret that RoboCop comes from the brotherhood of muckrakers collectively known as 'Kuku' - whether that is one man or several colluding to maintain the pretense of a singular individual has always been an unresolved mystery, the truth at the heart of which has been chased by many. I personally believe there are 12, and perhaps as many as 15 members of this guerilla unit, comprehensively trained to mimic the actions, mannerisms and speech patterns of 'Kuku'. But personal beliefs aside, there remains an even larger question at hand: from where do they draw their power?

150 million doesn't just appear out of thin air, and neither do the targets of which the 'Kuku' sets their sights on. Yesterday it was Illuminatiated's Chicago - noted war-mongers and murderers of mafia basketball, perhaps the most just cause in the 'Kuku' cannon - and today it is Castiglia - owner of boats, and pusher-out of Stanman Industries from the boat-selling business. My investigation has been a long and arduous one, the details of which I straight up refuse to share, as it would take a long time and I am running out of steam. The fact is, our one clue is a smoking gun in itself: "Hobbs and Void - please kill Frank".

Void's dual allegiances have never been a mystery - known as the "Peace Pervert" for his adultering of Las Vegas with the Detroit mafia basketballers, it would be no surprise if he proved to be one of the Kuku enablers. But why? If he were to do anything, one would suspect it were to besmirch Hobbs in order to ultimately replace him as clown-prince of Summerlin. For them to be working together is an entirely novel twist.

Hobbs' involvement would not shock anyone either - making it two out of two for predictable antagonists and one for one for increasingly lackadaisical detective work. He was seen on Main Street just the other day praising Pigeon for his work as an underground journalist. And who else would be sitting on 150 million dollars in riches to tip a thug's street post than a Godfather from the epicenter of criminal wealth in the nation?

It is my belief that Hobbs and Void are not just Kuku-enablers but his primary co-conspirators in the battle against mafia shipping. Their friendship with RoboCop likely goes back decades and is a well-oiled machine of financial support and street terrorism, extending to the deaths of hundreds, if not millions of gangsters, and nearly a half-dozen goomba's too. 

I will be meeting with counsel to formally levy these charges and then I will see you in court. And not just any court. THE HAGUE. 

"Stan_S_Stanman I am afraid that the mystery of robocop's funding is starting to become one to rival the complexity of the appearance of the Hobbs/Void dopplegangers we've seen the past month (Hibbs, Doiv, V0id, Hubbs, etc etc). That one has gotten progressively worse to the point that more and more people seem to be getting their own set of dopplegangers now, I have seen a Dianca and a Gerald for instance to mock more Las Vegasians."

"The mastermind of that debacle is still roaming free. I feel like certain mobsters (and one very handsome detective in the form of SherlockHolbbs) got very close to unraveling it, but ultimately their lives were cut short before they could reach the golden truth. Some were done in by mysterious arson attacks, others by a city's disdain for mafia basketball (even though it has been more than a week now I still mourn Detroit's loss on the daily)."

"The theory you have put forth about kuku not being a single individual but instead a collective of people is an interesting one which deserves further investigation as well I think. Maybe (and this is just yet another theory) it could be a similar situation as with the aforementioned dopplegangers: The real one is among them, but it's obscured by countless fakes. Which is which? Unlike with Hibbs this time there is no clown makeup to tell us I'm afraid."

"Another theory I am willing to put forth myself is that the real bloodline of kuku has disappeared from these shores many years ago, and that the figures who we are witnessing in more recent times are from a different bloodline carrying on in his name."

"In all honesty I don't know, that family-tree is shrouded in mystery."

"Now onto your own allegations against me: I have been labeled many things in the past, "Peace Pervert" (a term which I've tried to wear with pride to spite Hobbs), "basketball sympathiser" (stuck on me by Hobbs, questioning my loyalty to the beautiful city of Las Vegas), "MASSIVE NERD" (I do not know what this means but it's no doubt derogatory). What do all these have in common? They were insults pelted at me by Hobbs. To receive a new label to add to my every-growing resume coming from a seafaring pirate is wholly new to me, to be frank I am unsure whether to be excited or scared."

"Now of course I did not have the cash money mad dosh fat stacks lodsemone to fund that massive tip that had gone robocop's way, as of recent all my hard-earned cash has been spent on ace-detective related expenses instead. Though SherlockHolbbs investigative skills ended up being underwhelmingly sub-par, his fees were still absolutely first-rate I can assure you.

I am hoping that we can avoid a court-appearance and that my heartfelt speech has persuaded you since unless I can somehow find a pro-bono lawyer to defend me, this will financially ruin me. Besides, the last time I stepped into a BBB basketball court to defend myself against claims of basketball-sympathising I nearly died in a rather mysterious arson attack. This has emotionally scarred me for life and I do not wish to relive past traumas."

I'm afraid your sympathy-chasing has no effect on me, Void. My spirit has grown callous and uncharitable in my many years of mafia seafaring; it's hard enough being a Wise Guy running rackets on the streets of Philadelphia, let alone figuring out perform collection duties from a boat. In my new role as mafia pirate investigative journalist, I grow more hard-boiled by the day. Your cup game trickery in moving my attention to the various doppelgangers and body doubles (largely improvements on the original, I might add) was a veteran move but one a man as experienced as myself saw past with ease. Your talent for producing doppelgangers at such volume, in fact, compels me to believe you possess the expertise to perform as a member of the 'Kuku' guerilla unit yourself, something I will choose to believe unless hard evidence suggests otherwise.

Robocop, admit to us now that Hobbs and Void put you up to this and I'll do everything in my power to negotiate a plea deal for you at The Hague. 

"As usual my esteemed friend Void has used 537 words when a few would do. Void did it. Void. Void alone. He's almost certainly guilty. For a long time now I have suspected he has had a hand in the imposters following me around. He's always a little too quick to take up the mantle of investigation. When BBB got involved? BBB was murdered by Chicago.... and then to cover his tracks? BOOM, KAPOW. BLAMMO. Chicago murdered too. He is the man behind the curtain. His façade of being a humble Don is surely just for show? Who else but a 'Peace Pervert' could slip like spaghetti through the cracks. No one but Void. A man so anonymous and invisible that his own Crew leader didn't rescue him from a two week prison stay in The Summerlin Hotel & Casino (THREE STARS, BABY)...

Of course I cannot prove it, and I would never publicly attempt to  metaphorically burn him alive when there's so many witnesses around, but we cannot ignore the simple truth; as the ancient latin proverb teaches us 'All roads lead to Void'. The Romans you see. They knew exactly what was up. Et tu, Void?"

The expose from @Stan_S_Stanman was exactly what the streets needed. A man of great integrity and personal taste. That Stan had declared his undying love and devotion to Hobbs was neither here nor there. The Stanman Report was clearly an independent, hard-hitting report full of truth.

"As for myself? I am almost certainly innocent. They don't call me the Hobo the Godfather for nothing. It is well known I was unable to pay the 100 credit extortionate upon gaining the rank of Godfather, and even now I find myself prostituting myself for one credit in order to help pay my extortionate bodyguard fees and other household expenses.

I thank you all for your time, and please send donations my way. I really have gone from Prince to the Pauper."

"I see that this investigation has quickly turned into a Void-badgering conference featuring various prominent speakers from all across the country. I am used to being beaten with a belt as Hobbs' preferred punching bag so I will just take this abuse lying down like the pathetic worm I am, just allow me to make some more cup-game-trickery-like comments along the way despite being ganged up on by 2 passionate lovers."

"Hobbs and Stan_S_Stanman, as stated before I most definitely did not produce all these doppelgangers! It would simply be impossible for me to be the mastermind behind the likes of Hibbs and Hubbs. Think of Knox's 10 commandments of detective fiction, it clearly states:

7. The detective himself must not commit the crime.

"I and SherlockHolbbs are the detectives, so we cannot be the culprit."

"Hobbs I am stunned at how well you are able to keep track of precisely how many words I have used when before you couldn't even remember the room number that you kept me locked away in. I have read the reviews at HOBBER, many innocent tenants had spaghetti slid under their door which has tarnished the Three Star Hotel brand (the barrage of yorkshire puddings at innocent poolgoers had nothing to do with this I assure you). This discrepancy in your mental faculties comparing then and now ALMOST makes me wonder whether the man in front of us right now is not Hobbs but yet another impostor. I don't see clown makeup, I don't see hubcaps, who is this really?"

CORRECTION TO THE STANMAN REPORT, "KUKU ENABLERS", PUBLISHED SEP 01

Loyal readers, it has come to the attention of Stan S. Stanman - editor-in-chief of The Stanman Report - that everything published in this hugely popular and controversial piece was, in fact, false. Using the publicity generated by the piece as a springboard towards higher-placed sources and greater resources, it turned out that neither Hobbs nor Void were associated with the 'Kuku' in any way, and really that it was quite stupid for us - or anyone - to believe so. In fact, it would be very, very stupid to have thought that to be true, or to associate either of these gentlemen as true co-conspirators with the 'Kuku' in any legitimate way. Very, very, very stupid. The Stanman Report would like to extend our thoughts and prayers to Hobbs and Void, who were forced to live under this dark cloud for nearly a full week, as well as to anyone else affected by this brave search for the truth, whether they were very, very, very, very stupid or not. 

We would also like to offer our deepest condolences to the family of a great man recently passed, RoboCop. RIP sir. 

For the avoidance of doubt, Stan_S_Stanman, would you be able to quantify just how stupid one would have to be to truly believe that Hobbs and Void were in league with the 'Kuku'? I just want it to be clear so there can be no confusion. 

And of course, RIP to RoboCop. A big loss to the community. 

Thank you for the opportunity, Platitudes. To visualize the kind of person who would actually believe these things - and, God forbid, even make accusations of such to those individuals - you must first place yourself in a prehistoric time. Turn the page back 380 million years. Before you is a great ocean, swelling with fantastic and awe-inspiring sea creatures. Out of the ocean and onto the beach before you trudges a small fish with two small, gruesome hind legs, more like minor protrusions, propelling it slowly and exhaustively towards you. It cannot yet breathe air but with its last moments it sputters out softly, "I believe Hobbs was in on it with Kuku". 

Mr. Fareham, I'm no psychologist, so allow me to pretend to be one. While vaguely related to a similar condition known as Competitive Writing Syndrome, the specifities of it prevent us (myself and my colleagues in the field) from labeling it as one of the many more typical paranoid or delusional disorders. That's why, as a temporary measure, we've taken to referring to these individuals as having gone "Totally Kuku For Bananas". To go TKFB, one would have to form an opinion as incorrect and wildly speculative as so - "Kuku, Void, and Hobbs are three peas in a pod" - and then accost said individuals on the basis of assuming your opinion to be true. 

As we at The Stanman Report have already apologized for going full TKFB - and are on the road to recovery - we urge all other TKFB'ers to do the same, before it is too late. The last thing we want is for anyone to get hurt for having (and worse, expressing) similar beliefs, as that would be a devastatingly pea-brained achievement.